the gift

The third one arrived on the summer solstice, cocooned in shades of evergreen and holly.  The scent of pine clung to its crisp folds with ink the shade of ripened cranberries sprawled across the muted expanse spelling 'Mrs. Aribella Niccoli' in swirling loops of elegant script.  Her hands shook as she traced the familiar writing.

With the utmost care, Ari's finger slipped beneath the corner, tugging the envelope open, inch by inch.  A rare smile perched on her lips as she pictured her husband stealing away to prepare this in secret.  She imagined his pleasure planning these little weekly surprises for her, hoping to soften the blow of his prolonged absence.

A sigh caught deep in her chest as she thought of him.  It spread to an unbearable ache.  Oh how she wished Rob was here, able to shoulder this burden with her, but he was untouchable for the foreseeable future.

Her smile slipped as she freed the card, revealing a picturesque wintry scene.  She almost dismissed it as generic, the specifics inconsequential, but a small detail caught her eye and held her transfixed.

This was their backyard.

That was her angel sculpture nestled in a copse of bare-leafed maples and white fluffy snow.  She sat stunned, taking in every  minute detail.

How had he managed this?

As she scoured the scene in wondered awe, she spied a set of initials carved into a slender trunk.  Her jaw dropped as she realized this was his work.  Rob hadn't painted in years, but he'd done this for her.  It was uncanny how well he'd captured their home, although he'd taken the liberty of adding a swing and updating their run-down fence.

There was no holding back the torrent of tears that burned hot against her sallow skin nor the damned cough that plagued her as she grappled with reality.  Life. Was. Not. Fair.

Ari dreaded telling Rob the truth about her condition.  In mere months, she'd become a coward and a liar.  Keeping their calls short, and resorting to vague answers and misdirection when he asked how she was feeling.  She was able to stave off the fatigue and cough if she got some rest before they spoke, but there was no way he could ignore her obvious decline during their upcoming video conference.  She looked worn down and sick.  And that was even if she could make the five-hour drive there and back to reach the base.

She considered cancelling, making up some excuse.  Command didn't know about her illness yet, and Ari didn't want their pity or fake platitudes when there was nothing they could or would do about it.  It was the risk of all space missions, and they were made fully aware that tragedy, up to and including the death of family members, would not trigger an early return.  The almighty mission and its exorbitant price tag dictated all.  It made her unreasonably angry, at everyone and everything.  Ari swiped at her eyes, angry with herself now for ruining this special gift.

It took a few minutes of concentrated effort to use the meditation techniques she learned from her new therapist to fully calm her nerves enough to return to Rob's loving gesture.

Admittedly, it was a bit odd (and certainly disconcerting for the mail carrier) to receive a Christmas card in June, but Rob loved to keep her guessing.  She'd already opened a Happy New Year greeting two weeks ago and a birthday card last Thursday.  She wouldn't even turn thirty-five until November.

Each one was crafted as though it was some sort of futuristic time capsule, filled with memories he was trying to create in advance and share with her now.  They were silly, romantic, thoughtful and all things Rob, but the idea of the future haunted her.  She didn't know how how much time she had left.  Maybe this was the last holiday card she'd ever receive.  She might never see her husband in person again.  That thought alone had her teetering on the verge of hysteria most days.

With great difficulty, Ari pulled her attention back to the delicate masterpiece cradled in her hands, and at last read the message inside.

Ari my love,

Merry Christmas!  I wanted to give you a gift that could only come from me.  I hope my sad attempt at recreating our special place brings you joy (and you liked my upgrades).  I've charged the angel with watching over you until I can come home.  Until then, know that I've been blessed beyond measure to call you my wife.  My partner in crime.  My greatest champion.  My one and only.  YOU are my gift, each and every day.

A real present will be arriving on the morning of the 25th.  I think (and hope) it will be exactly what you need.

Hold me in your thoughts and your heart until I see you again, as I will hold you in mine.

All my love and devotion,

Rob

P.S.  Don't try to figure out what it is!  You can wait a few days.

A laugh burst from Ari's lips as she read the last line, followed by an instant wheezing cough.  Her head started to pound from the violent fit.  As much as she loved what her husband was trying to do, the emotional rollercoaster took its toll on her disease-riddled body.

She placed the card on her bedside table with the other two and grabbed a glass of water to chase down the growing pile of mid-day pills.  This was life now.

~

Four days passed in a blur of bloodwork and appointments.  Ari felt like a battered pin cushion.  She sat outside on their back patio, staring at the angel statue in a slight daze.  They'd upped her meds and she was reeling from the side effects.  Nausea and dizziness plagued her body, but out here the sun felt divine.

She hardly remembered today's date, until an alert went off on her phone that there was movement near the front door.  She queued up the live feed and for one desperate moment with the bright light bleaching her view, she thought her husband was smiling up at the camera.

Ari tried to shake off her stupor and shade the phone screen for a better look.  Her heart plummeted to her toes as she realized it was simply a delivery man.  One that was stacking gifts on the porch wrapped in holiday finery.  He went out of frame one last time and returned holding a lush bouquet of wildflowers and a huge bunch of balloons.  He seemed to ready his 'business' face and then rang the doorbell.

Ari took advantage of the speaker system to let the man know she would be there in a minute.  It was slow going making her way back inside the house and then to the front door, yet he looked surprisingly unbothered that 'a minute' had probably been ten.

Her muscles protested the forced exertion and her head swam.  She waited a moment to compose herself before unlocking the door and swinging it open.

Words failed her at the sight.  In fact the shock was so great, Ari's knees buckled and she careened backwards.  With a cry of alarm, the poor man tried to reach out to break her fall, throwing the flowers down and releasing the mass of balloons, but he wasn't fast enough.   She hit the tile hard and blacked out.

~

The familiar smells of the hospital assaulted her as she struggled to surface.  She could hear hushed whispers close by that cut off as soon as the monitor picked up her elevated heart rate.

"Mrs. Niccoli?"

She blinked her eyes open and tried to moisten her tongue enough to speak, but all that came out was a grunt.  Realizing her issue, a straw was swiftly pressed to her lips.  She drew deeply, thankful for the relief.  Even with the water, her voice rasped a strained, "Yes."

"Mrs. Niccoli, you took quite a nasty spill.  You've got a small knot on the back of your head and some abrasions on your right side.  How are you feeling?"

Ari took a quick inventory.  "Not great," she finally supplied.

The nurse's kind smile put her at ease as she looked over her chart.

"We have here that a Mr. Ferin, the delivery driver, witnessed your fall and called 9-1-1.  Does that sound right to you?"

Ari nodded.

"Ok, well we're going to keep you for a few more hours for observation, but we see no signs of a concussion thus far.  Is there someone we can contact to come get you later?"

Ari's face crumpled as she thought of Rob.  He was her only family, and he wasn't even on this planet.  She didn't have her purse or even her phone. What was she gonna to do?

As she agonized over her dilemma, a deep voice cut through the emergency room noise.

"Ari?"

Her eyes cut to the man at the door.  It was the delivery driver.

"Yes?"

"I can give you a ride home.  Rob would kill me if I didn't."  He kept his gaze on his shoes, a slight red tinge spreading across his cheeks.

It took her a moment to realize what he said.

"Wait, how do you know Rob?"

"Uh, he's umm, he was my roommate in undergrad.  He asked me to come do the delivery as a favor."

Ari's face brightened for a moment as she realized this must be Caleb.  They'd never met as he moved cross country before Ari and Rob started dating.  Time and distance ended up getting in the way as the years passed, but she'd always wanted to meet him.

Her curiosity vanished as she also remembered the scene that had caused her to pass out.  Rob had sent her the loveliest bouquet of flowers and a mound of gifts, but the balloons were what almost stalled her heart.  They were pink and blue with 'congratulations' and 'we're pregnant' and 'expecting mom' on them.  Somehow Rob thought she was pregnant.  A hysterical laugh bubbled up her throat.  She didn't understand.

They'd never been able to have children.  They tried for a solid year after they got married before she found a lump on her breast.  Ari's medical team attacked it aggressively, and she was blessed to be able say that she beat cancer and rang that bell.  It took another year and half before she was cleared for them to begin trying again.  But months passed and then years.  They slowly stopped hoping.

It was at a particularly low point that they agreed to start a new chapter and try to live the best life they could with just the two of them.  That's when Rob's professional dream came within reach.  He was offered to be a part of the space program.

It had been a whirlwind since then.  They'd chosen to uproot and move close to the space center, but Ari couldn't find a teaching job there.  So they did the next best thing and found their little piece of heaven a few hours away.  Rob could still train but also come home every few days.  It wasn't perfect, but they made it work.  They were happy.

Until she started feeling sick.  She thought she had the common cold.  She worked at an elementary school, so it wasn't uncommon.  Rob had to be extra careful though as his first launch was approaching.  He ended up having to start his quarantine early when her symptoms showed up.

But her cough and fatigue didn't ease, and she begrudgingly went to the doctor.  The day of the launch, they confirmed her worst fear, her cancer was back and it had spread throughout her body.  They gave her months to live.  Months that her husband would be in space on a nine-month mission.

She watched in horror as the love of her life hurtled through Earth's atmosphere leaving her behind to face this hell alone, and he had no idea.

Now in some horrible twist of fate, he thought he'd be coming home to his wife and their newborn baby when in reality he'd most likely be trading pinks and blues for black.

Ari gave Caleb a weak smile as her heart broke clean in half, and accepted his offer to drive her home.

~

"Thank you for taking care of me, Caleb."  Ari punched in the code to the front door as Rob's friend stood just behind her.  She could tell he was waiting for her to fall again.  He knew.

"Of course, no problem at all.  Are you sure you don't want me to help you bring all this stuff in?  Or maybe check on you tomorrow?"

Ari waved him inside, switching on some lights, and then turned to face him.  They stood for a moment, neither moving.

He broke the silence first.

"You're not pregnant are you?"

She shook her head.

"You're sick."

"Yeah.  My cancer is back."

Caleb's face fell at that confession and after a minute of processing, she could tell he came to a conclusion.

"Rob doesn't know."

"He doesn't," Ari confirmed. "And I just don't know how to tell him.  They won't let him come back, and I'm afraid he'll do something stupid.  It terrifies me."  Once she started to share her fears with him, all her emotions from the past few months came rushing out.  He held her loosely as she cried.

Ari leaned back once she'd calmed down.  She felt a bit embarrassed to lay this all out on someone she'd only met today, but the release felt good.  She hadn't even said all these things to her therapist.

She still couldn't understand how Rob had thought she was pregnant though so she asked Caleb.

"Oh, well," Caleb rubbed his hand up and down the back of his neck as he seemed to be composing his thoughts. "I think he got a message the day of launch from your doctor that said 'the results are positive'.  He wasn't sure what that meant but then when you sounded like you were still sick and complained about being nauseous, he started to get suspicious.  He said you were being sketchy on the phone and when he asked how you were feeling you'd change the subject.  He thought you wanted to keep it a surprise until you were further along, but you know him.  He gets so impatient sometimes.  So he asked me to get my butt on a plane and finally meet his wife to deliver all this nursery stuff..."  His voice trailed off as Ari just stared at him, disbelief etched on her face.

When the silence stretched on and Ari said nothing, Caleb asked the dreaded question, "When are you going to tell him?"

And she had no answer to that.  How could she tell the love of her life that she's dying?  And they might never see each other face to face again.

Caleb reached over and grasped her clenched fist.  "I'll stay.  I'll get a hotel room and be here for as long as you need me.  I'll be there when you tell him.  You don't have to do this alone."

Ari was grateful that in this whole messed up situation, Rob had unknowingly sent her help and support.  She felt the smallest weight lift.  Rob would have other people in his life to count on when things got really rough.

"Thank you."  Ari squeezed his hand before reaching for her laptop.  She needed to send an email to Rob.