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The Ghost of Christmas Dysfunction

You Know Me

By J. Delaney-HowePublished 3 years ago Updated 2 years ago 9 min read
30
The Ghost of Christmas Dysfunction
Photo by Kai Wenzel on Unsplash

Before we get to the story, let me tell you who I am. No one talks about me on their Christmas cards or in their “Christmas edition” family newsletters, which by the way, is just to show everyone they are keeping up with the Jones’s. No group of carolers will be singing my name or singing about me. There are no tv specials or movies about me. Everyone likes to pretend I don’t exist, but oh, I do. All the drama, chaos, and general holiday fuckery you experience during your holidays? Yup. That’s me. I’m the Ghost of Christmas Dysfunction.

Let’s drop in on three life-long friends, Krissy, Lil, and William (though he prefers to be called Will, not Bill). Krissy is a single mother with an autistic son. Lil is married to her college sweetheart, Jeff, and they have two teenagers, one boy, and one girl. Will was married to a woman and has grown children. After his divorce, he came out as gay and is now married to David. Every Christmas night since they were in college after all the family festivities had ended, they would meet at “Mickey’s”, a bar in their hometown. They would take turns venting about their shitty Christmases in between lemon drop shots and pitchers of beer. Then they decide who had the worst day. This particular Christmas, I gave them plenty to vent about. PLENTY.

*****

“Damnit, I am always late,” Krissy said as she approached the door of Mickey’s.

There were lights in the window and a wreath on the door, but it still seemed out of place being open on Christmas day. She opened the door and was immediately greeted with “Hey Girl” from Jackie, the bartender. Jackie had been the bartender almost every Christmas night since they started their tradition.

“Merry Christmas!” Will said as Krissy hung up her coat and made her way to the booth.

“You too, sweetie!” she said as she kissed him on the cheek. “Where’s Lil?”

“Oh, she’s in the restroom talking to her man. I think he’s mad that she left.” Will said with a grin.

“Well, this has been our Christmas tradition for more than a decade. He’ll cope.”

“Sorry, guys. Jeff is still upset,” Lil said as she slid into the other side of the booth.

“GREAT! Let’s start there!” Will announced as he poured Lil a beer.

They held up their glasses, clinked them, and shouted cheers.

Krissy and Will focused intently as Lil started to talk about her Christmas day.

“Let me start by saying there was not enough weed to get me through this day.”

“Same!” Will and Krissy said at the same time.

“Jinx,” Will and Krissy said at the same time again. They all laughed.

Liz downed about half of her beer, shut her phone off, and began recapping her day.

“It was a great morning. The kids were both happy with what they got. Jeff made his famous cinnamon pancakes, and we sat around the kitchen Island eating together, talking and laughing. That rarely happens now that they are both asshole teenagers. It was nice. At about eleven o’clock, my dad and grandpa show up. Mind you, we are not dressed, the kitchen is still a mess, and no one was supposed to be arriving until four-ish.” She stopped talking long enough to finish off her beer.

“So there’s that. But who do they have with them? My cousin Derrick. You know…the one that just got out of rehab. Grandpa felt bad and couldn’t let him be alone for Christmas.”

“Wait, is he still with that chick? What’s her name?” Krissy asked.

“Mitsy, right? What the hell kind of name is Mitsy? Sounds like a grandma stripper.” Will added

“Oh, I’ll get to her in a minute,” Lil said. “So the kids get dressed, Jeff cleans up from breakfast, and I take a quick shower. I’m in the bedroom doing my hair and putting on make-up. My door was open, and I could see into the bathroom. What do I see? Frigging Derrick is going through my medicine cabinet.”

“Oh no. He was looking for pills?”

“Ding! Ding! Ding! Will for the win! Yes, he was looking for fucking pills. I didn’t realize until he passed out and fell out of his chair that he did, in fact, take pills—Jeff’s blood pressure medication. Ambulance comes, takes him to the hospital. Jeff is bitching the whole time because now he is short blood pressure meds. And what does my father say? Too bad he didn’t get a med book for Christmas; he would have known what to take,” Lil says, leaning back in the booth.

“Shot time. Jackie!” Krissy yelled across the empty bar. “Lemon drops! And come do a shot with us!”

“Oh, there’s more!” Lil exclaimed. “So we are at the hospital, and who strolls in? Mitsy. Drunk off her ass. She starts telling me that I should have known better than to keep pills out when he is around. I inform her that I didn’t even know he was coming because he wasn’t invited. To which my grandpa gets pissed off. Now, this crazy bitch is yelling; the security guard gets involved. Jeff and I leave, dad and grandpa stayed at the hospital with Derrick. They could still be there for all I know.”

“Bottoms up all!” Jackie announced as she got to the table with the shots. They all drink their shot, and Will says, “Okay, Krissy. Your turn.”

“So you guys know my sister Tammy. You know how she is.” Krissy said as she poured another beer.

“Oh, Tammy. How is she?” Will said in a snarky tone.

“Exactly the same. Crazy.” Krissy responds. “So mom, grandma, Tammy, and her son come for dinner. My mom brings the presents she got for my son and Tammy’s son. They open their gifts, and her son has a total meltdown. He runs away, yelling, ‘I didn’t want that one!’ as he slams the door behind him. Tammy acted as nothing happened and poured her third glass of wine. In an hour.”

“Can’t fault her for the wine,” Will said, and they all laughed.

“Anyway, I tell her she should go after him, he doesn’t know this neighborhood, and clearly, he is having some sort of emotional issue. She stands up, squints her eyes and scrunches up her face, and says, ‘Oh look at me, I’m an expert because my son is on the spectrum. Ooh, look at me. I’m an autism mom, la di da.’ Y’all know I can be petty. I stood up, made the same face she did, and said, ‘ooh, look at me, I raise bunny rabbits, and I have everything and still cheat on my husband.’ My mom laughed out loud and said, okay that’s enough girls. It wasn’t enough.” Krissy took a sip of her beer.

“Krissy. Please tell me you didn’t hit her.” Lil said.

“You should be proud of me. I didn’t. Anyway, after I made that comment about cheating on her husband, she lets out this scream. Not just a little scream. A blood-curdling howl-type scream. Then she yells at me, ‘you diseased whore! You promised you would never bring that up’ and lunges at me. I dodge her, and she falls headfirst into the wall. My grandmother is sleeping, and my mom is laughing. Legit is laughing while this is going on. I walk away, and she goes after her son. Everybody cools down. I have a glass of wine. We sit down to eat dinner, and Tammy asks, ‘Is there sausage in this stuffing?’ Then another drunken meltdown occurs because she is vegetarian, and grandma intentionally put sausage in the fucking stuffing. I seriously cannot make this shit up.”

“Bathroom break time,” Lil said.

“Yes, it is. Hey Will, get us another round of shots, then it’s your turn to talk, buddy.” Krissy said

Will walked up to the bar and said, “Another round Jackie!”

“Coming up. So who has the worst Christmas so far?” She asked.

“Still anyone’s game. So what’s your shitty Christmas story?”

“Just that my niece decided to tell my sister just before Christmas dinner that she was pregnant. She’s sixteen. She told her mother that one of her friends, Tim is the father. My mom says, ‘I thought you were just friends.’ My niece says, ‘we are’. My sister yells out, ‘well last I knew, friends don’t fuck!’ Then we pretended nothing was going on and had dinner. That’s how we do things in my family. Deny, deny, deny. Anyway, I’ll bring these right over.”

Will had just enough time to sneak outside and take a couple of drags off his weed vape. The girls and the shots were already at the booth when he went back in.

“Really Will? You couldn’t share?” Krissy asks jokingly.

“Sorry ladies, Daddy’s got me on a weed budget.”

*****

Apologies for interrupting, but as the Ghost of Christmas Dysfunction, I should point out that sometimes my work isn’t so loud and angry. Sometimes my best work isn’t that obvious.

*****

They raised their shot glasses, clinked them, and again exclaimed, “Cheers!”

“So Will. Speak. How was Christmas with David and the kids?” Lil asked.

“Completely uneventful. Nothing like the shit show you two have going on. We woke up in the morning and opened each other’s gifts. We politely thanked each other. I called my family to wish them Merry Christmas, and he called his. He drank his coffee in the living room while I got dressed. Then he got dressed, and we sat in silence until the kids got home. Complete silence. I don’t think we were even in the same room again until the kids got there. We knew we had limited time before they had to move on to other family gatherings. Such is the holidays with a big, blended family. So we exchanged gifts, and while I finished getting dinner ready, they all sat in another room on their phones—even David. Then we ate dinner together for all of about twenty minutes. As I was cleaning up, the kids had to leave. Then David got a call about a temperature alarm at the plant, so he had to leave. There I was, in this perfectly decorated house, after a perfect holiday meal, alone. By three in the afternoon.”

Will looked away, so the girls didn’t see his eyes tear up. There was an extended period of silence as they processed the day. Will’s story hung over them as a familiar Christmas song played, filling the gap in the conversation. Krissy got up to get another pitcher of beer, and as they drank, they laughed and talked about everything other than the day. Jackie made the last call, and they ended the evening singing “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. Together in unison, even Jackie sang out “and a par-tri-dge in a pear tree”.

*****

Here’s another thing about my work. It makes me a busy guy. I visit just about everyone, just about every family around the holidays. That is why I don’t understand why you all pretend I don’t exist. Considering how many of you I fuck things up for, you all should talk about me more. Maybe you would realize there is no such thing as a perfect family or a perfect Christmas, and stop killing yourselves to try to pull it off. Just embrace me- I’m the Ghost of Christmas Dysfunction.

Satire
30

About the Creator

J. Delaney-Howe

Bipolar poet. Father. Grandfather. Husband. Gay man. I write poetry, prose, some fiction and a good bit about family. Thank you for stopping by.

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Outstanding

Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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  1. Easy to read and follow

    Well-structured & engaging content

  2. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

  3. Expert insights and opinions

    Arguments were carefully researched and presented

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Comments (5)

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  • Hannah Moore5 months ago

    Why are so many funny stories also so sad?

  • The dialog was great. A lot of great clever moments. Well written Jim!!!

  • Mother Combs5 months ago

    ROFL love this

  • Cathy holmesabout a year ago

    I remember this one from last year. Fabulous.

  • Lol! This had me laughing so many times!

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