THE GHOST OF A BOY

I was standing on the frozen pond, laughing when suddenly I heard a loud crack. As I looked around, I could see the horror etched on my friend’s face. I felt the ice tilt beneath my feet. I found myself sliding and my arms were flailing around as I tried to stop the fall. My friend’s hand reached out for me but I hit the icy water and . . . . . .

I jolted upright, trembling from head to toe, finding my bed in total disarray.

I looked around my safe, familiar room, to reassure myself that it was just a nightmare. That was the third time this week I had been haunted by that nightmare.

Thankfully, the sun was just starting to brighten the room. I always liked to open my blinds at night so I would see the morning sun. I lay there now watching as the light crept across the room, illuminating familiar treasures. It was comforting and safe.

A light tap on my door and my mum’s voice brought me out of my reverie.

“Hop to it Jules or you’ll be late for Uni”, she said.

I went for my shower, hoping the hot water would dispel the last of the chill my memory had retained from the nightmare.

I had nearly an hour’s drive to the University I attended. We were in a small town, on a large house block, overlooking some beautiful farmland. From our back patio, the land dipped to a line of trees just beyond our fence. You could just see a glimmer of water past these and sometimes, late in the afternoon, as the sun set, the water would often turn to molten gold.

My father, Frank, was a builder. He had planned and built this house before I was born. The detail and thought that he had put into its design was solar and energy-efficient to the max! It was his passion for this, that had led me to study to be an architect.

* * * * * * * *

At Uni, Jason was waiting for me. He was a year ahead of me and was studying Town Planning but some of the subjects from our courses crossed over, which is how I met him this semester.

After our first class together, we went to the on-campus coffee shop where we talked for hours. I don’t think I would have made it to my next class at all if it wasn’t for my friend, Sue.

“Don’t you have another lecture this afternoon?” she asked when she saw us.

I frowned and looked at my watch and gasped in amazement when I saw the time.

That was nearly four months ago now and Sue keeps asking why we aren't dating.

“You two are meant for each other”, she said.

I couldn’t explain it, not even to myself. Jason had asked me out but I had declined, using the excuse that I just needed to focus on my study.

How could I explain that when I was with him, I felt like I was cheating on someone else? It didn’t make sense as I had never even had a boyfriend but that didn’t stop this feeling that kept eating away at me. And those nightmares were starting to do my head in as they became more frequent again.

Sue wondered why I had never had a boyfriend.

“It’s not like you don’t get offers”, she said. “Why do you push them all away?”

I had no answer to this and now she was asking again.

“It’s obvious, at least to me, how much you care for Jason. I just don’t get why you keep turning him down”.

* * * * * * *

Midway through June, coming up to the end of the first semester and our exams, Sue asked what I had planned for my birthday.

“It’s your twenty-first next month”, said Sue, “are you planning a celebration for it?”

I hadn’t given it much thought but Sue just said to leave it with her to work something out.

The week leading up to my birthday had been one of the worst in years for the recurring nightmare. I didn’t know if it was the exam stress making it worse or if the extreme weather was playing a part. We had snow on several days and, each morning, it seemed to take longer and longer to extinguish the chilling memories from the nightmare.

My birthday weekend rolled around and true to her word, Sue had taken the reigns and together with my parents had planned a BBQ for my birthday.

It was a beautiful day and as the sun started to set, we lit a fire and sat around it listening to music and talking. It’s mesmerising watching fire where flames dance in the air and kick up sparks with their heels. They weren’t the only sparks flying as Jason and I had a few sparks going ourselves. Once again, this made me happy but left me feeling guilty. Why?

I noticed several people had disappeared from the circle but then one friend, Ben, came up from the back fence area.

“Hey, guys”, he said, “you have to come and look at this”.

“What’s that?” asked Jason.

“There is a really cool frozen pond in the paddock out the back. It looks like glass. You can see right through the ice and it is all glowing.”

Suddenly, the tips of my fingers were burning, though three out of five were missing on my left hand. I had been asked many times, what had happened to them and apparently when I was very young, they had become infected and had to be removed.

Why did I suddenly have this burning sensation? Why was my heart racing?

I wondered how they had got to the pond as the gate in the back fence had always been locked but everyone started to follow Ben, including Jason, who had grabbed my hand.

As we went through the gate, my nightmare flashed into my mind and as we approached the pond, I found myself pulling back.

Jason stopped and turned. I could hear his voice but I wasn’t there anymore.

“Sue!”, Jason called. “Something is wrong with Jules, help me!”

I was wet through and so, so cold. I couldn’t feel my hands or my feet.

It was nearly dark, with no sun in the sky, just shadows of big dark trees towering over me.

I tried to look around for Adam. Where had he gone? Why had he left me here?

Whimpering and shivering, I called for Adam and for mummy and daddy. No one answered.

I just wanted to sleep and I knew Adam would come back for me. He was my best friend!

* * * * * * *

“She started to pull back as we neared the pond and she made a whimpering sound and then just stopped in her tracks,” said Jason. “She was rubbing her hand really hard as if she was trying to warm it. I’ll carry her back to the house. Can you go ahead and tell her mum and dad?” he said.

Jason gently carried Jules back to the house where he explained again, to her parents, what happened. When he mentioned the frozen pond, he detected a worried look pass between them.

Her mum asked him to carry Jules through to her room.

When Jason returned to the lounge room, he interrupted a heated discussion between Sue and Jules' dad.

“You know what the problem is with Jules, don’t you?” said Sue.

“Yes, unfortunately, we do”, he said. “It is something we should have dealt with before now.”

* * * * * * *

I woke as the sun danced across my face and lit my familiar room. It was all just a nightmare, though more vivid than ever before. I was perfectly safe and warm in my bed.

Why was I still fully dressed in my clothes from yesterday? What happened last night? Hell, I hope I hadn’t done anything embarrassing I thought as I went for a shower. I needed that hot water to warm me through.

When I returned, I went downstairs. I was surprised when I entered the kitchen and found Sue and Jason still there. Jason gave me a big smile, which made me feel special.

“We were invited to stay over”, he said.

I looked around and I had four pairs of eyes watching me anxiously. What had I done last night?

“Did I get drunk and pass out or something as equally embarrassing last night?” I asked.

“You don’t remember what happened?” asked Dad.

“No”, I said nervously.

“I suppose the reason you don’t remember,” said Dad, “is that your brain has been protecting you from a terrifying memory for years. In fact, since you were four. I’m sorry we left it this long before discussing it but we honestly thought you were fine. Why stir up bad memories? Obviously, we were wrong”.

Dad and Mum, together, proceeded to tell me of the worst day of their life when I had gone missing.

I had been playing with the little boy next door, Adam, who was five. Mum had to run some errands and Anne, our neighbour and a close friend of Mums, had offered for her to leave me there playing.

When Mum returned a few hours later, Police were swarming the street.

Mum pulled up in our driveway and was greeted with the news that Adam and I were missing.

Anne explained that we had gone out to build a snowman in her backyard where, she said, she could hear us squealing and giggling together. It was a little while before she realised everything was quiet. Wondering what we were up to, she went out and discovered we were missing.

After unsuccessfully searching for us, Anne had then called the Police for help.

My dad had joined the search while Mum and Anne waited, hoping and praying for good news.

About ten o’clock that night, an Emergency Service volunteer located my near-frozen body beside the pond.

While I was rushed to the hospital, the search continued for Adam.

It wasn’t till the sun came up, that divers located his body in the frozen pond.

In the hospital, Mum and Dad didn’t know if I would survive. The medical team worked frantically to bring my body temperature back up. There was evidence of water in my lungs and I had frostbite on my fingers. Some eventually had to be amputated.

Mum and Dad were thankful that after everything I had been through, I had no memory of it. Apart from some nightmares, that they thought had stopped, I appeared to have recovered well.

* * * * * * * * *

I felt like I was on a roller coaster of emotions.

Anger at being kept in the dark all these years; sorrow for my friend I had lost; relief that my nightmare had a root cause at least and some vague understanding, maybe, as to my feelings of confusion around any boys I got close to.

The most overriding emotion though was guilt. Deep and all-consuming, guilt.

I looked around at the concerned faces watching me and I registered that the strange noise I could hear was from me gasping for air.

I stood and pushed back from the table. I had to get out of here to somewhere I could breathe; somewhere I could calm the turmoil.

I ran out the back door and just kept running. I could hear Jason calling out to me as I ran.

When I reached the frozen pond, though I had no conscious plan to go there, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I sank to my knees, clutching my chest and gasping for air.

When he reached me, he held me in his arms and let me cry myself out. He didn’t ask questions or make any sound.

He just held me gently.

Finally, I spoke the words that had been drumming away in my head.

“It was my fault Adam died”, I cried.

“No, no, no”, said Jason softly. “You were only a child. How could you think that?”

I told Jason about my ‘nightmare’, which I now understood. Where I always woke from it, was obvious to me now, my brain had been protecting me from what had followed.

However, the flood gates had now been opened and I couldn’t stop the horror from crashing into my mind.

That day, as I fell, Adam had reached out to grab my hand. He hadn’t been quick enough but as my head had started to go under, Adam managed to snatch at my hair. He held on, pulling me along till he saw that I was in shallow water and able to crawl out. I remember laying there, sobbing. When I could, I turned to thank him for saving me but he had gone. Where he had been, the ice was now broken. I hadn’t heard anything. I sat there shivering, waiting for Adam to come up. He never did.

“So, Adam died trying to save me”, I sobbed.

Jason held me together. That’s the only way I could describe it. We talked for a long time.

Over the following year, I received counselling and Jason helped a lot. We became very close and during our summer break, he asked if I wanted to build a memorial to Adam at the pond. He had cleared it with the owner, so we planted a garden, with a seat and a plaque, in Adam’s memory.

Finally, the ghost of a small boy was allowed to rest.