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The Gas War

A.H. Mittelman

By Alex H Mittelman Published about a year ago Updated about a year ago 9 min read
9
The Gas War
Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

Every night at midnight, the purple clouds came out to dance with the blushing sky. The clouds were a build-up of fairy gases, for a typical fairy diet consisted mostly of magical beans. They were the same magical beans that Jack had used to grow and climb his beanstalk, and the fairies found them irresistible. The gas from these beans would build up all day and release at midnight, creating beautiful looking purple gas clouds, which is what made the sky blush. The magical properties from these gas clouds were capable of generating massive amounts of electrical energy.

The gas company would drive their trucks to the gas fields every night and collect these gases for what they called a ‘safe, clean alternative to traditional fossil fuels.’ This irritated most of the fairies, however, because the gas companies were run by humans, who collected the gas without paying or trading the fairies anything in return. The leader of the fairies had gathered all of the government officials for a meeting.

“We must start charging for our gases,” Fairy President Aldus said.

“Why? Our economy is thriving, we can afford to give away our gases to keep the peace with the humans,” Senator Florimell asked.

“Where’s your sense of patriotism? We must put Fantasmia first. We create the gas, we trade for the gas. The humans have no right to take our gas for free,” President Aldus said.

“That’s ridiculous. It’s just gas. We fart it out for free, we should give it away for free,” Florimell retorted.

“Yes, but it’s our gas. If they’re going to use it, we're entitled to a profit. I’m declaring a war on the humans. A war that won’t end until they agree to pay for our gas,” President Aldus said.

“You can only do that if the other senators agree and vote for a war. We’ve been at peace with the humans for a thousand years. We haven’t even updated our weapons arsenal in that time. We’re completely unprepared for a war, especially with war mongering humans who constantly update their war arsenal. They have a military industrial complex, were mostly agrarian. We have swords and spears from a thousand years ago and some magic we could use. They have heat seeking missiles, drones, jets, bombs, machine guns, satellites that can launch nuclear weapons that can destroy the planet, and every other weapon imaginable. How would a war even work? We live in a democracy and voting is…” Senator Florimell started to say and the other senators behind him started chanting, “War, war, war” and stomping there feet.

“War it is,” President Aldus said.

“Excuse me, President Aldus. While I support your war, the senator has a good point. What do we do about our arsenal? I don’t think our magic alone is enough to defeat the humans. And our swords and spears are no match for their missiles,” General Gunthor asked.

“Let’s use our magic to steal human weapons. Then we can use our magic to enhance them and use their own weapons against them,” President Aldus said.

“You’re a genius sir,” General Gunthor said. General Gunthor ordered the army to use their magic to steal and enhance human weapons. Senator Florimell snuck off to try and warn the human president of the impending attack and try to convince him to make President Aldus an offer to pay for fairy gas and keep the peace.

A few days had passed, and Senator Florimell finally had a meeting with President Henry Washington of the humans.

“President Washington, President Aldus is preparing for war with Ameriland. The only way to keep the peace is if you make an offer to pay for their gas. Please sir, you must…”

President Washington interrupted.

“Isn’t Fantasmia’s arsenal out of date? What are they going to do, poke us with toothpicks? Throw a spear at us? Attack us with swords? Curse us with a scary fairy magical spell? Bring it on, we’ll nuke them all,” President Washington said.

“Then where will you get your fairy gases from?” Senator Florimell asked.

“That’s a good point. We’ll take some fairy prisoners and force them to fart for us. Starting with you. Guards, take Senator Florimell here to his cell?” President Washington ordered.

“You can’t do this,” Senator Florimell said.

“Yes I can. I’m the president,” President Washington said.

“No, I don’t mean morally. I mean, literally, you can’t do this. I’m magical, remember?” Senator Florimell said. Then the senator snapped his fingers and disappeared.

“Damn. Call General Patrick, tell him to get ready for war with the fairies. Send a few missiles there way, remind them we have superior weapons that can beat their magic. Make sure they’re stealth missiles, if the fairies see them they’ll send them back our way with their magic. Maybe that will end this war before it gets started,” President Washington said.

Senator Florimell rushed into Fantasmia’s presidential chambers.

“What are you doing here, Florimell? I’m in the middle of…” President Aldus started to say.

“We have a problem. I was trying to negotiate with President Washington and…"

“I’m sorry, what? You went on an unauthorized negotiation and talked to the president of the humans?” President Aldus asked.

“I wasn’t aware I needed your authorization, sir. And that’s not the point. I pretended to leave using an invisibility spell, and overheard President Washington making plans to launch stealth missiles at us so our magic can’t stop them. Please sir, you must call President Washington and…”

“No need for that, Senator. We’ve stolen an advanced human radar system and an Iron Dome which is capable of capturing missiles from those daft humans. Let them launch there ‘stealth’ missiles. We can now stop them. We’re turning their technology against them, as planned,” President Aldus said. A loud beeping sound was heard coming from the radar.

“Oh, it looks like those stealthy human missiles are here. Activate the Iron Dome,” President Aldus said. The Iron Dome was activated and captured the missiles.

“Relaunch the missiles at the humans,” President Aldus ordered. The missiles managed to hit several human targets, including a communications satellite.

“If the humans want to negotiate, let them come to us. Fantasmia first,” President Aldus said.

“This is ridiculous. If we hurt the humans, they won’t want to negotiate,” Senator Florimell said.

“Blah blah blah, get out of my chambers,” President Aldus said.

“Fine. But you’re a horrible, petty little creature. You’re worse than the humans. You completely lack empathy, compassion and common sense. Traditionally, those are human traits. For a fairy to show those same qualities is baffling to me. You and your horrible supporters in the senate will have to deal with the consequences of your actions without me. You’re a monster,” Senator Florimell said and disappeared.

“I’m not a monster. I’m a genius,” President Aldus muttered.

Senator Florimell again traveled to President Washington’s chambers, but this time did not wait for an appointment.

“As I tried to explain earlier, it’s not so easy to defeat the fairies. Now we’ve upgraded our arsenal. Are you ready to negotiate with us, President Washington, or would you like to try to launch more missiles at us?” Senator Florimell asked.

“You struck our military bases, you filthy fairy. And with our own missiles. This means a full on war. I’m sending everything we have to Fantasmia. We will destroy you,” President Washington said.

“I don’t think so. You and President Aldus are equally arrogant. You might think we’re the enemies, but I think you’ll both make great friends. Once you two get passed your egos, of course,” Senator Florimell said. Senator Florimell snapped his fingers and teleported President Washington to Senator Florimell’s house. As security tried to grab the senator, he snapped again and disappeared.

“What did you do? Where am I?” President Washington shouted.

“Be quiet. I’m going to summon President Aldus. You can talk to him,” Senator Florimell said. He snapped his fingers and President Aldus appeared next to President Washington.

“Why have you summoned me? And is that President Washington? What’s he doing here?” President Aldus asked.

“You two are going to talk to each other. I refuse to let a war start. Especially a stupid war over something as ridiculous as farts. You do realize you guys are trying to kill each other over fairy farts, right? Talk to each other,” Senator Florimell said.

“What’s to prevent us from leaving?” President Washington asked.

“That’s actually a good question. I’d like an answer to that too,” President Aldus said and was about to snap his fingers when Senator Florimell snapped his and put rubber bands around President Aldus’s fingers. Then Florimell snapped again and put the two presidents in chains.

“Those are magical chains, by the way, so no point in trying to escape. The chains aren’t coming off until both of you make a deal for fairy gas. If you’re going to act like children, I’m going to treat you like children,” Senator Florimell said.

“You can’t do this. This is Treason,” President Aldus said.

“Want to bet?” Senator Florimell said, snapped his fingers and disappeared.

“I guess we have no choice, now…” President Washington said.

“Shut up,” President Aldus said.

Every day for a week Senator Florimell went to visit the two presidents, bringing breakfast, coffee and donuts.

“It’s been a week, and every day you two have remained stubborn. As I keep saying, neither of you are leaving until you reach a deal,” Senator Florimell said.

“You’ll be happy to know we’ve reached a deal, you jerk. Now let us go,” President Aldus said.

“Is this true?” Senator Florimell asked President Washington.

“Yes. Please let us go, I miss my family. Well, not my wife. But I miss my kids. Ok, maybe I don’t miss them either. I miss my dog though. Please let me go home and see my dog,” President Washington said.

“What is the nature of this deal?” Senator Florimell said.

“The humans have agreed to give us ten thousand solid gold bars for every metric ton of gas we give them. And open up technology trading with us in exchange for some magic spells and potions,” President Aldus said.

“I thought we agreed on nine thousand gold bars?” President Washington said.

“Don’t start with me,” President Aldus said.

“Fine,” President Washington said and shrugged.

“That’s fantastic. Just sign this binding magical contract I have, and I’ll let you guys go,” Senator Florimell said. Senator Florimell handed them the contract and a pen, and they both signed. Senator Florimell unchained them.

“Now shake hands,” Senator Florimell said. The two presidents rolled their eyes and shook hands.

“Can we go now?” President Washington asked.

“Say hi to your dog for me,” Senator Florimell said and snapped his fingers, sending both presidents home.

Senator Florimell locked his doors and transported his house far away from both Fantasmia and Ameriland, just in case either president decided to come after him.

Then he tucked himself into bed and smiled before going to sleep, knowing he had saved the world from another war it didn’t need.

Copyright © 2/27/2023 by A.H. Mittelman. All rights reserved.

Short Story
9

About the Creator

Alex H Mittelman

I love writing and just finished my first novel. Writing since I was nine. I’m on the autism spectrum but that doesn’t stop me! If you like my stories, click the heart, leave a comment. Link to book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQZVM6WJ

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Outstanding

Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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    Writing reflected the title & theme

  2. Easy to read and follow

    Well-structured & engaging content

  3. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

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Comments (4)

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  • Melissa Ingoldsbyabout a year ago

    Ohhh I was entertained by this one. Very intellectual satire. I enjoyed this mirror of fantastic surreal narrative showcasing society. Very good! Hearted. I found your dialogue snappy and witty too. I definitely laughed at the say hi to dog part.

  • I absolutely loved this story! It's so imaginative and entertaining, and it really highlights the importance of being empathetic and compassionate when dealing with others. The descriptions of the purple gas clouds and their magical properties were absolutely mesmerizing, and I loved how the fairies used their magic to enhance human weapons. Senator Florimell was an incredible character. He was a master negotiator with a strong sense of justice, and he understood both human and fairy culture so well. I was really impressed by his determination to prevent a war, even when it put him in danger. He's a true inspiration.

  • This was so creative and entertaining, luv it

  • I loved your take on the challenge! Fairy farts were so creative! And I loved Senator Florimell! Excellent job on this story!

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