The echos in my mind

The streets are guided by lights, some red, green, yellow. Similarly, our brain is guided by lights, ones we are in control of. Telling ourselves to stop, slow down breath, then go. Why God gave some of us three green lights is beyond me. Three green lights can make a living hell from a simple moment.

A simple moment, at a simple time, of a simple day in the city of sin. Just some time to reset the brain back to yellow. Ironically in the sin of greed. not a casino, not a bank heist, nothing too lavish or expected. No in an M&M’s store, where thousands upon thousands press against each other. when confusion strikes the mind as you are pulled out of the way. A flash of green light triggers as you fall back.

"YOU CAN'T GET IN PEOPLES WAY IT'S RUDE! IT EMBARRASSES ME!!!" A friend will yell out of stress and their own frustration

A simple sentence. a compact sentence, a logical sentence even. One that means nothing, one that should be brushed aside when stated only once. Yet the flash of green keeps repeating as the words flow through the mind.

"IT EMBARRASSES ME!!!"

"IT EMBARRASSES ME!!"

"IT EMBARRASSES ME!!!"

and, like a game of telephone, the words morph and shift as it shoots through your mind. Like green-lighting hitting a telephone pole. shocking the poor soul stupid enough to get close

"IT EMBARRASSES ME!!

"DO EMBARRASSES ME!!"

"TRULY EMBARRASSING!!"

"WHO EMBARRASS ME?

"YOU EMBARRASS ME!!"

Then the mind lingers. On that new simple phrase. What does that mean? What does that say about me? The mind thinks as it dissects each moment before. Picking apart each moment in your life. When you were cut off because you were rambling. When you worried you said nothing. When you did something idiotic. the thoughts and memories building until they change into a few sentences that sting your heart. Like magnet letters on a refrigerator

"YOU CAN'T TALK!!"

"YOU CAN'T STAY SILENT!!"

"YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK PROPERLY!!"

"YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!"

"YOU EMBARRASS ME!!"

All the while, the original phrase is repeating in your head. You try to ignore it, breathe it away, but it's too late. The burnt popcorn in your head has already triggered the smoke detector telling you to be afraid. To be offended, to be upset. You've gone on the defensive and any fun you could have is quickly turned back on you. As the thought blocks your view.

Before you know it, you're back home. you're panicking. you worry about how much your life means to others, how much it means TO YOU. Eventually, it erupts the thoughts you were desperately trying to keep to yourself in hopes of not ruining a nice day. Whether through the acknowledgment of your silence by a cohort, or through you trying to stop the thought yourself as you desperately ask those closest,

"Do I embarrass you? Do I make you uncomputable? Do I scare you?" you don't know what you want them to say, but chances are it will not suffice to instantly cure it. Perhaps they may even get made if you bring it up not because they hate you but because they don't understand. All you can really do is take the time to process it.

They will hopefully learn and try their best to calm your nerves if you fail to do so. Though you wish you could truly explain, the attempt is thoughtful. You find you can breathe easy, till the next moment yanks you back downward. With a flash of green light as you tumble down the rabbit hole once more.