THE DARKNESS INSIDE

I know now, that I should not have done it. Would not have done it, had I been in my right mind. But, the anger and the loud buzzing of pure, intense, unrestrained hatred in that moment, rendered me incapable of self control.

I saw myself through a furious rose colored haze, lifting my hand and bringing it down with such force, that the pain ricocheted up my arm and throughout my entire body. It did not matter, my arm kept moving up and down, over and over again, until the pain rendered it unmovable.

Red, crimson red. It was everywhere.

As I slowly regained my senses, I became aware of my surroundings. I was covered in this crimson rainbow. The walls, the bed, the furniture, the curtains, the floor and even the ceiling.

Tiny lights played around my eyes. They were dripping with redness, and I collapsed unto the floor. Who am I? Where am I?

What Have I done?

I tried to scream, but no sound emanated from my throat. My spiraling into the abyss, into that dark bottomless pit, was continuing. She was dragging me down to somewhere dark and ominously evil. No one would believe me. No one else can see her. HELP ME!

She is me, and I am her. HELP ME!

Still, I had the presence of mind, though in a zombie-like trance, to head directly for the shower, I removed my clothing and protective booties carefully. I was not feeling remorse. I knew that it was her deeds, not mine. The deed had been a long time coming. I had been battered and blown about in the wind, abused and mistreated, ignored and sometimes forgotten, my insecurities have rendered me socially inept. The time had come to face my demons and fully exorcise them. I somehow cleaned all the personal evidence away.

I stood under the hot shower for the better part of a full hour. I washed away the red and crimson, washed away the pain in my arm, the pain in my heart, ran the water from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. I ran the water until I felt clean again. I dried my hair vigorously and wrapped the towel around my head. I dried myself, using a second towel, did my toiletries slowly, while fighting with the voices in my head, and contemplating the ordeal that I still had to face outside the bathroom walls.

With the towel draped around me, I absently cleaned the bath and surrounding areas. I took a long deep breath, squared my shoulders and stepped out into the bedroom.

Nothing. The towel fell to the floor without my even being aware of it. My lips parted unconsciously. I stood there gaping and trembling for a long time.

No red anywhere? There I was sitting on the window seat, peacefully reading a book. A cup of tea was on the windowsill.

What is happening. I am here, but, I am there too. I do not understand.

Hearing the door open, she turned around slowly, and smiled, a pleasant welcoming smile. "Hello, Janai, how are you feeling?, I hope you don't mind me waiting for you in her room. I heard you in the shower, and I wanted to talk to you. Come to the sitting room when you are dressed, I will give you some privacy". With that she exited the room.

I suddenly became aware of being naked. Picking up the towel and wrapping it around myself for warmth I went back into the bathroom. Clearing the steam from the mirror, I stared at my reflection. I am not her. I am me. I am not Janai. I grabbed a bottle of perfume to fling at the mirror in confused anger, but she grabbed my hand. "Not that one, this one is a thousand dollars an ounce fragrance, choose something a little more expensive". She was always with me, taunting me. Driving me to do wrong. The expensive bottle of perfume shattered loudly, along with the bathroom mirror. I stared at myself as the broken mirror reflected my state of mind in a hundred different images.

My demon other self. "You need to get rid of her", she whispered. But, how do I get rid of myself, of you?

I think that I am mad. It runs in my family. There have been many stories abounding about my forebears, I have had many crazy ancestors. It has skipped many generations, but I think it did not skip me.

I cannot go to psychiatrists or psychologists, or any kind of head shrinkers. So, my alter ego and I, are having a mental battle of will. She shows me, what she wants me to do. Realistically playing scenarios, messing with my head. I no longer know what is real and what is not.

Did I hurt someone?

I again, stepped from the bathroom, and froze. The body was exactly where I had left it. My mind had refused to face the reality of the deed that I had done. "Now go to the safe, the large one on the wall, you know the combination, you've used it often enough. Get all the money and assorted jewellery, pack it into the small valise and lock it, then get all you clothing from the bathroom into a bag, do not leave anything behind. I heard the disembodied voice in a trancelike state of mind. I obeyed, moving to her every command. I was unsure why I had to do that.

I do not recall exactly how long this has been going on. I vaguely remember a similar scene not so long ago. I think that I need help, but she won't let me go. I do not want to do this anymore. I am tired, I need to rest.

Shutting out the voices by sheer force of will. I picked up the phone and dialed 911. I went to the closet, luckily we wore the same size in clothing. Choosing an outfit of pure black, slacks, silk shirted blouse and a form fitting jacket, I got dressed, pinned my hair up in a simple bun, put a pair of black dress loafers on and sat down to wait.

She was raging mad inside my head. She, me, I am not sure, started throwing everything inside the room. Chair, thousand dollar bottles of perfume, smack into the dresser mirror, clothes from the closet were piled on the floor, she started to rip them apart. The bed was upturned with such strength, it was terrifying. "Get out." she screamed, so loudly, I thought my head would explode.

I got up to run, but I was already up, I am so confused. "Grab the valise and your clothes and let's go." I heard a loud explosion. I looked back, the house was on fire. I do not remember doing that, but, in retrospect, that final burst of anger and rage would have left evidence that we could not have cleaned up. I did say that she was thorough.

We ran. I could hear the siren from the police car blasting it's way to the house. She was directing me the whole time. The car was parked around the corner. It was a really nice car. Audi A8 or something, I love Audis. A moot observation at a time like this. We started the engine and the car kicked into jet speed. We needed to get as far away as possible before the cops got here.

She was mad, she kept yelling, my head started to hurt. "Stop." I think I yelled. All went quiet. She did not speak after that, except to give me directions as to where to go.

We drove for maybe three and a half hours, before she directed me to a private road somewhere in upstate NY. We began our journey in mid Manhattan, of that I am sure, I knew the area well, I lived and worked there for two years.

Earlier, we had left the noise and traffic of downstate NY and approached the peaceful tree lined roads leading to upstate. At least here there was peace and quiet, with just the approaching twilight and the cool wind as I opened the window a little to let the fresh air wash over me.

My headache had subsided, with just a dull ache above my right eye. I think I suffer from migraines. My belief is that I have some other neurological condition that is messing with my thought processes. I wonder why I am quite certain of that fact somewhere far in my subconscious self.

After maybe five minutes driving up the private road, we emerged in front of a grand, but tiny mansion. It was really a beautiful sight. The house was obviously neoclassical in design, it seemed familiar, but in my present mind numbing stupor, I was not sure of anything. Whoever built this loved the Greek and Latin styles, being both a bit opulent and classy at the same time. Inside, the furniture was a bit ostentatious, but plush and luxurious, very comfortable looking, with a welcoming beckon to lie down and rest. I hoped with my whole tired soul that all this was real and I could relax and get some sleep.

I woke up with the feeling of restlessness. The valise, which was by the couch where I had fallen asleep, was placed in a huge safe behind a nondescript painting, next to a very expensive looking Monet or Manet, that too is confusing. It could be fake, I had no idea, I think it was placed there to distract from the safe. I somehow knew where everything was. It was a bit surreal.

I made my way to the tastefully arranged bathroom upstairs, I knew instinctively that it was mine, I took a warm bath and tried to relax. The beautifully decorated bedroom yielded expensive and well designed clothes. I dressed and proceeded to the kitchen for the welcome taste of coffee. I sipped the coffee and tried to clear my mind of the cobwebs.

She was not here. I was happy and relieved, maybe things will come into focus and I can sort fact from fiction. I made toast with jam, I was really hungry. After finishing my coffee, I decided to explore the interior of the house, before heading outside.

I found the library first, walls of books showed our preferences. Medical books, loads of them decorated one entire side of the wall. I noticed popular books, some of my favorites, Conan Doyle, Dan Browns, among popular authors. There were books on Poetry, Philosophy and Ethics, I spied Dante among the treasures.

The wall that interested me the most was layered in official medical achievements, certificates, diplomas and awards. The name on every single one of them was Marie Rosa Kline. On the wall hung pictures of a long ago childhood where there were two of us, Marie and Janai. Twins, identical twins. Memories came flooding back. My sister, she died twenty years ago. We were sixteen when she passed away from neurological damage due to a boating accident. I had been devastated.

I am Marie, but we used to exchange names and play pranks on everyone just like any ordinary twins would do. She came back almost immediately after the funeral, whispering in my ears. At first I was happy to have her back, no one else knew this. We were still together over the next years of teenage life. Strangely, when I went to medical school, she was eerily absent.

It was as if she had became a different person upon here sudden reappearance after I graduated. I wondered about her fortuitous absence and timed reappearance. What omen was this lapse in time a portent of, good or evil.

I had gone to medical school to study about the brain, partly because I wanted to understand why I had lost my sister at such a young age. She knew that, we had discussed it in great detail. Yes, I conversed with my sister, my deceased loving sister. Madness? Maybe, but it happened. Maybe we had both been going down that rabbit hole from a young age.

I had many lapses in time after she came back. Confusion and uncertainty plagued my sleep with nightmares. I found our photo album from our teenage years and begun to gingerly thumb through. I was wary of the things that I had forgotten.

Suddenly, I saw two photographs of the day we went on the fated boat ride. I never noticed before but the people on the boat seemed familiar. I went to the basement and dug out copies of the report on the boat accident, something was puzzling me. They were all friends from our teenage years. I was never sure about what happened that day, one minute Janai was there, and the next minute she had been knocked into the water, her head hit the side of the boat and caused irreparable damage to her brain.

A scream so terrible and full of anguish resounded and bounced off the wall, scaring me so badly that I dropped the album and reports and spun around. She was standing behind me and I realized that she had seen and understood what I was trying to understand.

"I died because of a stupid teenage crush. Becca pushed me off the boat. I punished them all. We punished them all." I covered my face with both hands and sat down heavily onto the old divan. Everything fell into place, all the puzzle pieces fit perfectly into their places. My head, my mind was suddenly quite clear.

I ran upstairs and called the school. They emailed over a list of students from our school year back then. As soon as I received it, I raced over to the nearest library. I cross checked the names with death records. Every single one of the names on that list was matched. They had been systematically wiped out. She had left Becca for last. She was the one that she had let out all of the pent up rage upon. The one yesterday had been Becca. She had used me to do the terrible deeds.

Maybe they all deserved it. They knew what had happened and had all covered it up. Maybe somewhere deep inside I had known what was happening, and went along with it.

The madness was, undoubtedly in both of us. We had taken the valuables from the house to make it look like a robbery. We threw it in the river miles away from the house, and burnt the clothing that I had worn on the trip upstate. We had no further need of them. I apparently wore gloves on that day. I am a doctor, after all, I am always prepared. She had been the smartest of the two of us, very meticulous and ordered.

They never found any evidence linking us to the' situations' during the years of investigation. My sister had been thorough. We eventually left the country and started a new life. I have written all the details in a book which I intend to self publish very much later in my life. Maybe on my deathbed.

Our parents had left us a sizable sum of money, we never lacked any of the comforts of life growing up. One could say that we were rich spoilt kids, with a large inheritance. I would agree. We discovered how to transfer our money so it would be virtually untraceable, unless someone with a firm determination decided to track us down. Our lawyer, who was like our second father, pretended innocence in the whole affair. He was in touch with us only through several proxies, never directly. He is the best. He keeps us updated on the latest news.

We knew that anything could be entirely possible at any given time. But, we prepared the best way that we could. In the meantime, we are living our best life and death.

It has been ten years since the beginning of our new lives. We adopted a lovely set of twin girls. We are so happy.

I do not practice medicine anymore. I am now a very successful author working under a carefully chosen nom de plume, there will be a huge scandal whenever my real book is published, the one that really matters. The girls will be apprised of the situation when they are old enough. They will be far away and safe.

The authorities have since discovered that all these unfortunate dead people had been kids on that ill-fated boat trip. Since our parents are both gone, they were never the same after my sister died, they could find no trace of our family, the investigation is still ongoing.

I finished the book and have put the whole situation behind me. We are happy and living, one not living altogether, as happy as we can possibly be. I changed my name and appearance, I must say that I really like the new me.

She only whispers happy thoughts now.

Time will tell how our story ends.

N.A. 12/29/2022