The Crow Named Joe

NEW CUSTOMER

Vomit is a portly man in his mid-forties wearing an old Sex Pistols T-shirt and browsing through the chips section of the local Grab-N-Go. He has a shaved head, curly mustache, and pointy beard which makes him look like a retired supervillain.

Many believe his name Vomit is a nickname that he got when he was part of a semi-successful Punk band twenty-five years earlier. In reality, he was christened with his name at birth because his alcoholic father thought it was funny and knew the name would piss off his mother.

As Vomit tries to decide whether the lime-chili potato chips or the barbeque corn chips would go better with homemade brownies. A man with a gun bursts into the convenience store demanding the clerk put up his hands and give him the money from the register.

This confuses Vomit. How are you supposed to get the money from the register with your hands raised? He looks over a bag of spicy puffs to see a man dressed all in black, wearing sunglasses and pointing a gun at the clerk, who is filling a plastic bag full of money.

The gunman yells at the clerk to hurry up and the clerk obliges nervously handing him a bag full of money. The gunman takes the money and dashes out the door. In response, the clerk grabs a pistol from behind the counter and chases after the man yelling obscenities in a language Vomit doesn’t understand. The loud cracking of rapid gunfire is heard soon after.

In his rush to catch the thief, the clerk leaves the door open. A blackbird deciding to take advantage of the opportunity hops through the open door with dollar bills in its beak. It flies onto the counter, places the bills down, and then flies over toward the chips section. The bird lands on top of the shelves choosing the spicy puffs and flies out the door.

Now Vomit had seen many animals steal food before. He worked at Sea World when he was young. He witnessed many crying babies and angry mothers chasing sneaky storks that had just stolen a burger for which they had just paid twenty dollars. However, he had never seen a bird actually pay for a meal.

Curious Vomit follows that bird forgetting all about his chip dilemma. As he exits the store Vomit sees the clerk firing his last shot at a vehicle that can now only be seen by its taillights.

Vomit looks around for the blackbird discovering it perched on the arm of a strikingly beautiful woman with bright blues eyes and dark hair. She wears a veil that is crested with black roses and a black dress that appears to have been made sometime in the early part of the last century. He walks toward her.

“What’s your raven’s name?”, asks Vomit.

The woman looks over at him expressionless. “It’s a crow.”, says the woman in a monotone voice. “And his name is Joe.”

“Joe the crow. That’s awesome!”, Bemuses Vomit. “My name is Vomit. My friends call me V for short.” Vomit holds out his hand. Unmoved that woman continues to feed Joe spicy puffs. “What’s your name?”, asks Vomit as he retracts his hand wiping it on his shirt.

“Do you know the Saint Lutheran Children’s Cemetery?”, asks the woman.

“Yeah it’s about ten miles that way.”, says Vomit as he points down the road. “I can give you a lift if you need it.”

“That would be lovely.”, says the woman. “Would you be so kind as to help me with my package?” The woman gestures toward a box wrapped in brown paper. “I’m afraid Joe is being quite needy at the moment.”

“Of course.”, says Vomit. He grabs the package and places it in the back of his Volkswagen Van. He helps his guests into the van and proceeds to get into the driver’s side. The van pulls away onto the dark road.

THE ROBBERY

Ken Dog never intended to become a criminal when he was young. His dream was to dance with the New York City ballet. However, after being beaten within an inch of his life several times by the local thugs he decided to join the Reaper street gang and tonight is his initiation which is to rob a convenience store.

Their leader Six Pack chose a store around ten miles outside the city in hopes of having less chance of getting caught. It is a small store on a backwater highway giving plenty of hiding spots and directions to escape.

Ken Dog chambers a round in his pistol and exits the car. He soon jumps back into the car with a bag full of money. Six Pack floors the gas peddle making the tires squeal. The squealing sound is quickly followed by the loud rapid cracking sound of gunfire, which in turn is followed by bullets exploding through the back windshield one of which hits Ken Dog in the neck. Blood gushes from the wound as Ken Dog tries to put pressure on it.

“I’m Hit!”, yells Ken Dog.

“Damn G, Ken Dog is hit yo!”, yells Dr. Dee from the passenger's seat. “He bleedin' out!”

“Damn put some pressure on it!”, yells Sixpack.

Dr. Dee takes his shirt off and attempts to put some pressure on Ken Dog’s wound.

“Shit, he bleedin' out fast yo.”, says Dr. Dee.

The miles melt away as the car reaches speeds of nearing one hundred miles an hour. About ten miles down the road the steering becomes unstable. Sixpack slows the car down to a crawl near a cemetery.

“Damn front tire is flat.”, says Sixpack. “I’m pullin' into this graveyard.”

Six Pack pulls deep into the cemetery, turns off the headlights and engine.

“Help me with this tire Dee.”

“What bout Ken Dog?”, asks Dr. Dee.

“Man there's nothin' we can do until we get this tire fixed.”, Says Sixpack.

THE CEMETERY

As Vomit drives down the dark road, he attempts to make small talk with the mysterious woman. “So ah, it’s kind of late. Why are you going to the cemetery this time of night? You’re not a ghost are you?”, Vomit asks jokingly.

“My children are there.”, says the woman.

“Oh I’m sorry.”, says Vomit uncomfortably. “I didn’t mean to.” He stops himself before says anything else that might offend. “So ah, what’s in the box?” He asks.

“My ashes.”, the woman says as she crumples up the now empty spicy puff bag.

“Wow, Joe really loves his spicy puffs.”, says Vomit bemused.

“The cemetery.”, says the woman. Vomit distracted by his guests almost misses their stop. He quickly slows down and pulls up to the pedestrian gate.

Vomit gets out of the van to open the door for his guests only to find no one there. No woman, No Joe. He looks around to see where they might have gone spotting a green light coming from deep inside the cemetery.

“Damn this weed is really good.”, Vomit mumbles to himself as he closes the passenger's side van door. He gets into the van and suddenly remembers the box wrapped in brown paper. Grabbing the package Vomit begins looking for a way into the cemetery. He tries the pedestrian gate which is locked. He sets the box down and examines the height of the iron fences surrounding the cemetery. Seeing a possible way up he begins to climb. As he crests the fence and jumps down on the other side he rips his pants.

“Shit.”, says Vomit as he examines the tear on his pant leg. Deciding nothing can be done about the damaged pants he looks around for the box discovering that in his haste he had left it on the other side of the fence.

THE CHILDREN

A barn owl hoots in the distance as the gangsters finish repairs. A strong wind picks up and a crow perches itself on a nearby tree branch.

“Let’s get it yo. Dis place gives me the Jeebees.”, says Dr. Dee.

“Word.”, says Six Pack.

As they stand up they notice a woman dressed in black staring at them from a distance.

“Yo check it.”, says Six Pack pointing toward the woman.

“What dat bitch want?”, asks Dr. Dee.

A voice responds as if the wind itself is speaking. “My children are hungry.”, says the woman in black. Green lights begin to dance around the cemetery landing next to graves.

“Oh hell no! Let’s Fast and Furious up out of here.”, as Six Pack says this an infant's head emerges from one of the graves.

“What the.”, before Dr. Dee can finish his sentence the infant lets out an ear-piercing scream. Both gangsters cover their ears and drop to their knees in pain.

The undead infant frees itself from the grave and begins crawling toward them as another head emerges from a different grave letting out another scream. The gangsters begin to convulse and spasm as they fall to damp earth. Yet another infant wakens from its slumber and another until it seems the whole cemetery is writhing with the dead.

“My children are hungry.”, says the woman in black as she turns towards Vomit who is holding a box wrapped in brown paper. His eyes are wide with terror as he drops the box and runs as fast as an overweight man his age can in the dark of night. As he reaches the gate of the cemetery Vomit hears screams that will haunt his dreams for many years to come.

He will also be haunted by the fact he can’t remember the name of the weed he smoked that night and that he has an overwhelming craving for spicy puffs every time he gets high.