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The Cool Cats Café

by Frank Macaluso 9 months ago in Script
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A sketch with cats.

The second performance of "The Cool Cats Café" (2020)

The following is a stage adaptation of a sketch I wrote for a radio program I created and produced in my college years, and later used in a web series I produced during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic. I'm posting it here for the sake of anyone who wants it. I, the author of this work, hereby give you full permission to perform this in whatever capacity you desire, provided you give me due credit as its author.

CHARACTERS

Karen: 40; exactly what her name implies

Mittens: 5; cat

Barista

Manager

Customer

Other Customers

Other Cats

SCENE

The Cool Cats Café

Chicago, IL

TIME

Present day

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SETTING: A busy café. It’s the lunch hour, and the place is somewhat crowded. There are at least two tables—one downstage left and one upstage center—and a counter with three stools center stage right.

AT RISE: CUSTOMERS are seated at the tables; some are playing with CATS. One CUSTOMER is at the counter, being helped by the BARISTA. MITTENS sits next to the cash register. Other CATS sit or lie in designated spots. A tip jar sits to the other side of the register. The BARISTA hands the CUSTOMER their order.

BARISTA: Here you go!

CUSTOMER: Thank you.

(The CUSTOMER walks to one of the tables and sits down with their friend(s). KAREN enters the café. She looks around.)

BARISTA : Hello! Welcome to the Cool Cats Café! How can I help you?

KAREN : (approaches the counter) I’d like a vanilla cappuccino, please.

BARISTA : (cheerfully) You mean a “Cat-uccino”!

KAREN : (half a beat; flat) What?

BARISTA : Around here, we call it a “Cat-uccino”.

KAREN : Yeah, whatever. Just get me the thing.

BARISTA : Okay! That’ll be $4.65.

KAREN : Alright. And, uh, what’s the Wi-Fi password?

BARISTA : Oh, it’s—

MITTENS : Meow!

BARISTA : What?

MITTENS : Meow.

BARISTA : Oh. I’m sorry, miss. I’m not allowed to give you the Wi-Fi password.

KAREN : What? Why not?

BARISTA : Mittens says so.

KAREN : But...she’s a cat.

BARISTA: I know, miss, but she’s my superior and she gave me an order.

KAREN : But...she’s a cat.

BARISTA : Look, it’s a long, boring story and I’d rather not subject you to it. Let me just make you your Cat-uccino, and then—

KAREN : Could I see the manager, please?

BARISTA : It really wouldn’t do much good, miss—

KAREN : I don’t care. I’m not putting up with this foolishness. Get me the manager.

(The MANAGER enters.)

MANAGER : Hello, miss. I’m the manager. What seems to be the issue here?

KAREN : Your employee here won’t give me the Wi-Fi password.

MANAGER : Oh, really?

BARISTA : Mittens told me not to.

MITTENS : Meow.

MANAGER : Oh...well, if Mittens said it, I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do.

KAREN : Oh, my God! She’s a cat! You are human beings! Why are you acting like she makes the decisions here?!

MANAGER : Because she does, ma’am! Look, I’m going to be blunt here: I’m pretty much manager in name only. My sole function around here is to make sure that everyone does exactly what the cats say. If Mittens has disallowed your use of our Wi-Fi, my hands are tied. Her word is law.

KAREN : Fine! Could you at least please let me know why Mittens won’t let me use the Wi-Fi?

MANAGER : We can ask her. Mittens, why don’t you want the nice lady using the Wi-Fi?

MITTENS : Meow.

MANAGER : She says it’s because you smell like lavender. She hates lavender.

KAREN : Ugh! Unbelievable! Well, I’ll be taking my business elsewhere!

MANAGER : I’m sorry to hear that. Well, have a “mice” day!

KAREN : Oh, shut up! (storms out)

MANAGER : (sigh) Well, that’s the fifth customer we’ve lost today thanks to Mittens.

BARISTA : Yeah. Maybe this cat café was a bad idea.

MANAGER : No, no, the cat café idea was brilliant. Bringing in Mittens was the bad idea.

MITTENS : Silence, puny humans! The café is a success, and will continue to be so as long as I will it! Now bring me the meat of a thousand goldfinches, for I am hungry!

MANAGER : But there aren’t any goldfinches in—

MITTENS : Do not question me! Just do as I command!

MANAGER : Yes, Master! Right away, Master! (exits)

MITTENS : And you, Coffee-brewer! Knock down that tip jar!

BARISTA : Yes, Master.

(The BARISTA knocks over the tip jar.)

CUSTOMER : Hey, look, everybody! Free money! Let’s all swarm at it like a bunch of vultures!

(The CUSTOMERS rush to the broken tip jar and stuff their pockets with the spilled tips.)

BARISTA : (sighs; to themself) It’ll all be worth it when I graduate. It’ll all be worth it when I graduate. It’ll all be worth it when I graduate.

MITTENS : Ha, ha, ha! It’s good to be a cat.

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SKETCH)

Script

About the author

Frank Macaluso

A comedian. I may have made a huge mistake.

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