The Clarity of Sharks

The sun was bright that day. It glistened off the coast and caused my eyelids to close. I took in the smells of the sea and listened as the waves were crashing along the shore line.

My daughter Ava was playing at my feet making a castle and pouring sand through her tiny four-year-old hands. She had her favorite stuffed toy beside her, Mr. Benny. Mr. Benny, a golden lab with one eye missing goes everywhere with Ava. Jack, my son had a boogie board and was jumping the waves with my husband, Dale right beside him. My college friend, Tammy was staying with us for a few days and had joined us on the beach. She was rubbing extra lotion on her legs and laughing as Jack and Dale plunged into each wave.

My mind was trying to take in this glorious day but I was somewhere else. I was trying to decide whether to return to work in person now that the pandemic that rocked the world over the last two years was in a better place. I should tell you I live on Cape Cod and work in Woods Hole Marine Biology lab. My director gave me the option of continuing to work from home to enter data or to try a hybrid model of two days in the lab where I was able to have to access. I could also return full time to the lab. I was trying to take it all in as to what would be the best for my family, my work and my sanity.

As an adult I have usually been good at making decisions but I can’t say that was always the case. I often had anxiety as a teenager about making the wrong choice. My mother was whom I would turn to but she did not often give me the answer I wanted to hear. From the earliest I can remember I would try to illicit advice from my mother about decisions in my young life. She would always look at me with soft spoken eyes and recite the same simple statement “You’ll know! You will know if you trust your instinct, your gut feeling!” Sometimes her theoretical type of support would leave me rolling my eyes as I just wanted her to tell me which was the better choice, the right choice. Do I wear this dress? Do I apply to grad school right after college? Do I marry this guy? How do you know?

As I got older, I learned to appreciate her words as it taught me to follow my own path. It helped me navigate my own career as a scientist. A research scientist who studies the movement and migration of sharks. I study predators in my own way; their movements, where they hunt, what attracts them, what conditions make it easier for them. I also have had to take charge at home. Dale works long hours and has to travel quite a bit for work. Many times, I feel as if I am raising the children on my own.

My eyes open up as Tammy started to say something about another friend from school who was now divorced and wasn’t I lucky that my family was so together. She went on to say that I should consider leaving my job completely to take care of my wonderful clan. I envisioned myself as 1950’s housewife as she was speaking. “Yeah, I’m not thinking that will be the case.”

Truthfully, I’m not sure why Tammy is here to begin with. We were never close friends in college, but I ran into her last year when I was in Boston meet Dale for lunch outside in Seaport area. Tammy was in the same take-out line and I told her unwittingly that I now live on the Cape. She took it upon herself a few days ago to ask for an invite when she called out of the blue. I thought it strange, but trying to be polite said she could stay while she was in town which didn’t seem to have an end date yet. I had already asked her a few times whether she was here to see family. Her response was that she was "just vacationing while she had the time."

My attention turned back to the water. It was good to see Dale. He had been very busy with work during the last two years. He was constantly travelling. I know that I should not complain as so many had lost jobs during this time. Jack seemed to be having fun and it was good to see them laughing together.

I heard a splash and watched to see a large seal swimming across the seashore. My instincts kicked in. I watched the speed of the seal which was fast. It was probably being chased. I ran to the water and checked the temperature. Fairly warm.

“Dale, there is a shark in the area! Please take Jack out of the water!”

“Jesus, Leah we were just getting into it. I don’t see anything!”

I then grabbed Jack who was having a fit until I showed him the fins, I could now see in the distance his eight-year-old eyes opened wide and he ran out of the water. I shot Dale a look for undermining me. As always, I have to be the parent and Dale gets to be the friend.

I offer to take the kids for ice cream and plan to come back to the beach when it is clear. Ava jumps up. The life guard is now clearing the beach. Dale says he will catch up with me later and will walk to ice cream stand down the street. I pack up the beach towels and chairs. Tammy is still sitting there.

“Leah I’m going to catch some more sun. It is my first time at the beach in so long”

“No problem, I’ll bring you back an ice cream.”

“Yes, thank you a double scoop of peppermint stick.”

“Sure thing.”

Dale has disappeared. I’ll get him his usual. I load all our beach gear and waddle everything to the car. I buckle the kids in and Ava starts to scream;

“I left Mr Benny!”

“It’s okay honey, I’ll go back. I’ll find him.”

I shut the car door with windows open. I head back up the sand dunes my feet getting caught in my flipflops. When I reach the top, I see the spot where we were sitting. Mr Benny is still there beside Ava’s half made castle. I glance over as Tammy is not in her chair. I pick up Mr Benny and look at the ocean as the seal leaps out of a wave with a shark on her tail. She darts across and moves in on the sand to escape. Some people on shore move quickly and pull her in and the shark passes by missing his prey. A smile spreads across my face as she made it. I spin around and look up to see two people embracing. I look again and that moment occurs when everything makes sense. It is Dale and Tammy embracing. They do not see me. His eyes are closed and Tammy’s back is to me. His fingers slide under her bikini and his fingers loop around the strap with familiarity.

“You will know!” speaks into my ears from my mother’s perfect advice.

I hold Mr Benny close to my heart, walk back over the dunes and leave the beach.

I never returned. I packed up both Tammy and Dale’s things before they made their way back to the house and left them outside while I took the kids to the movies.

I called work the next day and agreed to return on a hybrid model so I could be home with kids and still have time for my research at the lab. My sister agreed to take the kids two days a week until school opened back up.

Dale and Tammy are in a relationship now while we are separated and going through a divorce. Both have insisted that there was nothing going on beforehand

However, I know what I know.