The case of Cockney shark

First of all, there's a list of words - look it over. And don't skip anything because if you think you will understand what your shark will be trying to tell you, well, I got news for you - ya won't! Second of all - be a well-rounded individual, ya know? Those sharks are wicked smart and you never know what they will be willing to discuss that day. Third.. uuuhh.. Bring soda. Yeah, soda! And DON'T STARE. 'Cos that's just impolite. Thank me later

Wiley Nelson 13 years old. Maine. 1985

Wiley's list of cockney phrases to live by:

1. Day's Dawning- means good morning
2. Kitchen sink - probably a drink (?)
3. Bell ringers - fingers!
4. Up the apples OR apples and pears - going up the stairs
5. Pin pegs- clearly, this means legs.
6. Ice-cream - I hope it means "cool" (actually means Gentleman)

"-DEREK!?" I heard an urgent whisper coming out of the phone receiver. "-Derek (Pleadingly) I need you to come down to the pier"

"-Well, hello to you too.."

"-DEREK!" Wiley hissed "-Ayy needyou tocomedown tothepiernow!"

Wiley's voice cracked into a high pitch on the "now". I understood that he was talking through clenched teeth, as if trying to not be overheard.

"-Geez, Ok! Is everything alright?" Suddenly, on the other side of the wire, my friend's voice broke into a high pitch entirely as he sputtered out:

"-Thereisasharkhere.." deep breath "and it is talking nonsense!"

A heavy cockney accent reached my ear, floating over my unnerved friend:

"-Is it ow-rite then, mayt?" I could hear Wiley answering back nervously to the mysterious voice in a fake-calm, oily manner: "-Indeeeed!" then shooting back into the transmitter before hanging up: "-Git ova here!"

Our town sits mostly empty during the summer break and having no better plans for this Wednesday anyway, I hopped on my bike and wheeled over to the beach. I noticed them from the top of the hill, pausing for a moment to evaluate the situation:

The only two people on the white stretch of sand, sitting on a bench. Wiley's unmistakable fiery-red mop of hair. Everything seemed normal. I pushed off the ground, streamlining down the serpentine road towards my friend.

Hearing the soft crushing of sand under my wheels Wiley looked over his shoulder goggle-eyed. His ridiculous face made me snort.

Slowly a tall top hat leaned down behind Wiley's back, an odd face beneath it, looking at me. The stretched physiognomy of this gentleman was white; beaming at me with an awful wide smile full of mangled oversized teeth. I froze, unable to make out the humanly features of his face. Where is his nose? What's up with his ugly mouth?

"-Day's Dawning!" The creep said cheerfully and touched the rim of his hat with a rounded fingerless palm. Wiley shot up from the bench, lurching towards me, trying to detach my white fists from the handlebars.

"-This is Derek, the friend I told you about!" He chippered to the gentleman. "-I told you!" he whispered to me round-eyed, undoing my fingers one at a time, scooping me under limp elbows and leading me to the stranger. I leaned back instinctively, but my loyal friend embraced me, pushing me forward.

He tried to sit me on the bench, but I fell righteously missing it. Without breaking the eye contact with the freak I groped for the very edge of the bench and carefully sat down. The freak studied me with calm curiosity.

"-Mm-hhm.." He rumbled making me shrink. "-Mistah Bates, Squire" He stretched out his fin for me to shake. I took it. I was taken aback by the grittiness of his skin and how cool it was to touch.

"-Derek" I whispered parched.

"-Ay, we could ol use a kitchen sink, amiroit?" and he guffawed, exposing at least ten rows of rugged teeth. I exchanged glances with Wiley, who seemed puzzled himself, but proposed a drink motion with his hand.

"I have an orange soda in my backpack" I offered meekly to the Gentleman. He nodded and I passed him the can. The shark looked down at it, then at me and said:

"-Will you... Mate, don't 'ave them bell ringers" And he wiggled a big, pillowy fin in my face. Wiley grabbed the can out of my hand, opened it and sauntered to the shark, who has unhinged it's massive jaws in anticipation. Wiley lowered his hand halfway into it's maw and trickled the soda in.

Finally, after this off-putting scene ended, Wiley gave me "the stare" and pushed me to sit closer to the Gentleman-shark, sandwiching me on the other side.

"-Mistah Derek," Began the shark smacking his invisible lips "-Would you be so koind to 'splain to me the political system of your gov'ment?"

He quietly nodded along as I mumbled something about the senate and the constitution. The number 435 seemed to especially peak his interest, as he marveled at how big the Capitol building must be to accommodate so many people.

"-Excuse me, Sir" I bleated "-Where are you from?"

"-Hmm?" The shark awoken from deep thoughts looked at me in confusion. He pulled an old political trick and asked a question in return: "-Where d' YOU think I'm from?"

"-The ocean?" I felt like a complete idiot saying it out loud.

"-The ocean eh?... So be it. Now gents, would you take me up the apples?"

And noticing our perplexed expressions he motioned to the stairs leading to the pier. "-Don't 'ave them pin pegs eytha" He broke out in another terrifying roar of laughter wiggling his tail cheerfully.

Wiley and I grabbed the visitor under the fins and gently carried the Gentleman-shark to the pier. He wasn't too heavy and kind of shuffled along the sand, quietly muttering what sounded like a tune. Enjoying himself immensely Gent reached the pier, scanned the harbor, then looking at both of us and said:

"-You two are propah ice-cweams", and bellowing "-Laters!" plunged in the water; and that was it.

We stood for a moment, watching the large water ripples spreading over the surface of the dock. Wiley lifted the top hat that slid off the shark during our walk, and put it on his own head.

"-'Ow do I look?" He asked me.

"-Like a proper ice-cream, I guess.. Race ya to the Corner Cone?" we headed back to our bikes.

"-Sure! But can you pay this time? I spent my last cents on calling you"

Wiley skipped in excitement. He grabbed my arm and spoke re-assuring me

"-I'll give it all back! I'll write a book about this.. or a manual. Yeah, a manual! I'll call it "What to do when you meet a Gentleman-shark" or something.. and will sell a million copies."

"-Sure thing, pal!" I chuckled "What else was he talking about before I came over?"

"-I dunno called someone a plum, and said that he needs to find some Verolynn"

"-Who's Veralin?"

"-How should I know.. clearly not YOU. Did you see how his face fell when he saw you?" Whiley's freckled face scrunched in a bout of laughter

It was an odd mid-summer Wednesday, in the mostly-empty town in Maine.

PLEASE QUEUE THIS SONG to complete this reading experience:

https://youtu.be/h1xrofiEa4w?feature=shared