THE BUMP

THE BUMP

An Inconvenient Truth

Icy silver crystals in a bed of gray. A rare bit of sparkle where a chance ray of sun snuck through the clouds to reflect from the surface. Biting cold as the occasional gust of wind seemed to suck the heat from her body. Trees no more than single black brush strokes on the canvas of the horizon.

Claire stared at the frozen pond trying to memorize every detail. After today nothing would be the same and she wanted some memory to carry with her, some reminders of how this moment felt.

Her life, her career were just starting. She had been on a successful path until her boyfriend of three years tilted her world sideways. While Claire had been contemplating marriage and buying a house, he was making other plans. While Claire had been dithering over changing her name if they married, Michael had been diddling an OB nurse.

He gave her the tired cliches of “it’s me not you” and he “wanted to see other people,” believing it would ease the blow and absolve him of any wrongdoing, after all, he “hadn’t put a ring on it.”

She was proud of her reaction, no tears,no hysterics, just a simple, “If that’s what you want.” Having just finished her internship, she was moving on to a new hospital to complete her years of residency; she took the secret inside her with her, not telling Michael of the child. “Clump of cells,” she reminded herself.

The grayness and despair of her pregnancy had weighed on her mind these last four months. Some day,when her career was well established, she would have children. But a baby right now was just too much of an inconvenience. She patted the bump and felt the baby kick as if in response. Being a doctor, she knew it was just a coincidence, the fetus was not yet a real person who could think and react. The kicking was just part of the gestational process, an instinctive, involuntary muscle movement much the same as taking in nutrition through the umbilical cord.

Claire looked out again at the frozen pond. In its summer phase, this pond was her happy place. In her mind she pictured the warm blue water that she loved to swim in, trees and plants in bloom spreading color and scent, soft grass beneath her bare feet, warm breezes caressing her skin, and all around her laughter and other sounds of people having a good time. This is what she escaped to in her mind when life got tough.

This is where she had come today to make her final decision. Or so she told herself; in reality she had made the decision a long time ago, today she was just affirming it, justifying it to herself. She was grateful the enlightened leaders now allowed abortions into the third trimester, allowing her to delay taking action on that decision. She had treasured the extra time to play at the fantasy of being a mom-to-be, enjoying the sensation of being pregnant while knowing she would not have to bear the consequences of its natural conclusion.

She looked to the pond again, trying to see the bright colors, feel the warming breeze, hear the laughter, but instead it was all just gray ice, cold wind, and dead trees. Claire touched the baby bump again, but there was no response this time, just a gray, cold emptiness that matched the vista before her. Even the sun had disappeared behind clouds taking away the tiny bit of sparkle that had once lived there. Claire sighed, someday the color and warmth would return to her world. But for now, especially in the next few days as she made and kept the fateful appointment, her world, and her body and spirit, would be cold and gray.

Claire knew it would be a long thaw before warmth and color returned to the pond and to her world.