The Broken Version

It started small. A crack, a groan, a hint of amber dancing by. It’s as if it knew it was taking too long, for in a moment it took everything with it. The flame burst through the carefully set trinkets, the portraits that adorned the walls, the furniture we wore in. I just watched it burn, thinking if I stood still long enough it would freeze too.

The smoke filled my lungs, there was no escape.

I still see it when I close my eyes. I could have done something… but I ran. Like a coward. She’s gone because I ran. I didn’t grab a single photo, a pillow, the stuffed animal she kept with her in the hospital. She held onto it when the treatments got more painful, called it her good luck charm. A cute little black-spotted yellow owl she named Stuffy, now a charred memory.

Everyone keeps saying how lucky I am, lucky to have survived what could have easily taken me without a second thought. I don’t feel lucky though. How am I supposed to when everything we built together is gone? We had a life, a happy life where we woke up and every day was an adventure. I’m not ready to get out of bed without you… especially in a place where you don’t exist.

I stood outside what once was my house without a word. I heard the commotion around me, but none of it was louder than my own thoughts. Neighbors watch on their porches; I can feel the pity from here. A tap on my shoulder pulls me out of my head, a firefighter stands in front of me holding something small in his hand.

“It doesn’t look like there’s much to save, but we found this. We thought you might want it.” His voice was soft, echoing around the lights and smoke. I reach my hands out as he gently places Stuffy in my palm.

“Thank you,” my voice was a whisper at most.

Stuffy’s half form stared back at me. At least I have you.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The office was small, hidden in a corner inside an overly large building. Somehow it was still too loud, despite the only noises being papers rustling and hushed voices in nearby rooms.

“I am so sorry to have to tell you sir, the damages to your home are extensive. In good news, we can place you in a hotel while you look for something new. We can discuss what kind of budget we’re looking at once we get those numbers in. It shouldn’t be more than 48 hours.” Her voice was grating.

“I understand, how long do I have to find something?” My voice felt broken, it hasn’t felt the same since… I blame the smoke.

“Five weeks is the most we can give you, Mr. Romero. I know it’s a tough time, but we’re here to help in any way that we can. Hotel-wise there weren’t many options, but we’ve chosen something that should keep you comfortable while you’re there. Here’s the address, call if you have any questions or don’t hear back by next week.”

I think she’s worked here too long; she is far too casual about everything. I lost my home; I lost the love of my life and everything she ever loved, and this woman sits across from me like it’s a regular Tuesday and I’m inconveniencing her.

“Great. Are we done here?” My tone came out harsher than I meant it to.

She seemed taken aback, “Yes, Mr. Romero.” She silently hands me the slip of paper with the address.

I heard a soft good luck as I left the tiny office.

_ _ _ _ _ _

The car ride to the hotel was okay. I haven’t been able to convince myself that driving is a good idea yet. I’ve done it for over forty years but suddenly the idea of sitting in an empty confined space gives me a reaction I don’t know how to classify. It’s like I forget how to breathe and all I can see is the fire again, the crash of flame headed towards me.

I only have one suitcase… it’s all that’s left. Stuffy sits in the handle, she reminds me of you. The driver wanted me to put it all in the trunk, but I can’t be away from it yet. It’s safer with me.

The whole drive I couldn’t help but notice how different everything looked. The lake that runs on the side of the road looked darker. The laundromat that El and I used to go to when our house was under construction didn’t give me the usual sense of nostalgia. I feel sick.

The sign screamed at me WELCOME TO ATLANTA. I remember when we moved here, I loved how cloudy it was. El and I used to joke there must be something hiding above them. Every day we would try to think of new secrets it might have. Her last one was my favorite, “above the clouds there’s another world but this world you see, is filled with tiny dogs, no humans allowed in Dogtopia.” I smile at the memory.

The driver pulls up to an empty-looking Marriott. I never thought I’d be semi-living in a single room space past the age of sixty, it was one of the perks I was looking forward to. Life has decided otherwise, I guess.

I thank the driver as he side-eyes me and drives away. At least we’re alone now.

_ _ _ _ _ _

The room is depressing at best. I’m trying to be positive for you El, but this is hard. My daughter won’t stop calling me, but I really only want Stuffy right now. A little piece of you.

Beige walls surround me, the bed rests in the middle of the room. The window looks out on a dingy street corner, a crowded bus stop below. I’m on the fifth floor so no one can see me at least.

I sat on the edge of the bed and let the days take me. Stuffy lay next to me, the soft tuft of her fur is comforting. That must be why El loved you so much. That and she thought your heart-shaped face was adorable. I still have the pictures, not that anyone really cared to look at them. I can’t blame anyone for it, as much as I want to, she wasn’t the same person in the end. They’re pictures of a broken El.

“The view isn’t so bad Stuffy, you always liked how the streets looked at night.”

The owl looked back at me; I swear it cocked its head.

“Are you hungry too?” My voice echoed back at me.

Calling the front desk was more interaction than I wanted, but twenty minutes later we had food. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve eaten, but my stomach would argue at least a day.

“I got you a burger, I know you don’t eat them much, but I figure we can take a cheat day.”

Stuffy seemed undisturbed. I gave her the one chair the hotel gave me; I took the bed. This way we could have dinner together.

“Do you remember when we didn’t have any furniture at the house? We would sit on the floor and eat sandwiches. It killed my back but getting old will do that anyway. You my dear never aged a day.” My voice was small, but it feels good to talk.

I know you’re listening; I hope that doesn’t sound creepy. I just miss you.

_ _ _ _ _ _

The do not disturb sign is highly effective. No one’s come in for a while, a week maybe. My phone stopped ringing so that’s good. Stuffy and I have been getting along well. I should let housekeeping into the room soon though…

The pile of trash in the corner is overwhelming. I haven’t gotten the nerve to leave, besides, I have everything I need here. Toilet paper’s low but I can make do. Room service should be here soon; El and I have a standing dinner date at five.

The knock on the door is timid, I open it to a middle-aged woman.

She looks behind me at the pile of trash we’ve collected, she’s visibly taken back but quickly corrects herself. “Good evening Mr. Romero, here’s your food, let us know if there’s anything else we can get you.”

I take it from her hands and shut the door. Everyone here is so needlessly polite. What good does that do for them? It’s all a waste.

I try to talk to Stuffy, but this time you’re not staring back at me. Your ocean blue eyes have been replaced by black soulless pits. Your short blonde hair taken by small tufts of singed fur. Your signature green jacket lost to a set of off-yellow clipped wings.

I can feel myself crack, like a floodgate opening and I can’t stop it. Everything tinges red.

“YOU’RE NOT EL. YOU’RE NOT EL. GIVE HER BACK. I DID EVERYTHING YOU EVER ASKED.” My voice breaks, a million tiny shards hit the walls around me.

I throw the owl as hard as I can, I want it to break. I want it to hurt. It lied to me… it made me believe I could keep something from you. But I can’t.

My whole life I did everything I was supposed to do. Enlisted in the army young, served my country with pride. I married the absolute love of my life, had kids, worked a dead-end job for twenty years to give them the life they deserve. We were happy, we were supposed to die together. Now I’m sixty-six and living in a hotel while the burned remains of our life lay four miles away.

What’s wrong with me?

_ _ _ _ _ _

I don’t know what week it is anymore; I’ve stopped keeping count. It's easier to pretend that time doesn’t exist. I’ve been passing it by making promises to any god that might exist, if I beg hard and long enough something good has to happen.

My promise today: if you bring El back, I’ll donate every dime I have to charity.

It’s better than driving myself crazy. I still haven’t gone outside… I’m just not ready. The sky does look pretty today though, a deep amber set in a hazy background.

“Okay Stuffy, I know you aren’t El, but you have to be something. What if we traded? My life for hers. Anything for hers.”

Silence.

“Please.” My head hung low.

The sad truth being that I have nothing to bargain with.

_ _ _ _ _ _

I have to stop eating dinner with the goddamn owl. I have to stop talking to it.

It was giving me hope that I can’t allow myself to have.

I’ve resorted to putting it inside a pillow, but I can still see its outline. I can’t throw it away, it’s still you. Just not as big of a piece as you as I want it to be.

I haven’t spoken since I threw you. What’s there to say? Instead, I’m letting my thoughts consume me. They circle like vultures in my head, pecking away at any sliver of sanity I’ve been holding on to. I know I should pull myself out… but there’s nothing outside. There’s a world that keeps turning without you, but I don’t know how to press the play button.

The tape of you keeps skipping, playing on repeat. All the memories we made, the love we had, It’s like I won the lottery with you and now my life is irreparably changed.

I need to stop thinking, I’m going to go back to counting the spots on the ceiling.

_ _ _ _ _ _

I begin to fall asleep… somehow Stuffy found its way next to me again. It’s a comfort despite my best effort to push it away.

A knock on the door wakes me up. This one isn’t timid. I open the door slowly, only peeking my head out.

My breath catches in my throat, my heart feels like it might stop.

“Dad! I… I… I’m so glad you’re okay.” Mia rushed at me, embracing me in a hug that could break me.

In that moment I forgot the pain, the suffocation, the loss. I hug her back with everything I have.

“I’m sorry,” my voice feels dry, cracked. My lip shakes uncontrollably, “I know I should have answered your calls… it’s just been so hard without… yeah.”

I fall to the ground and for the first time since I got to this room, I don’t feel like my life is over.

Stuffy stares back at me from the bed, and I swear she’s smiling at me.