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The Brave moments in the dream

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By JackmamaPublished 2 years ago 5 min read
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A long time ago we were in the deep mountains, that year grandmother was eighty-eight years old, I decided to take her away. I packed my bags and walked with Grandma to the side of the dirt highway to wait for the bus, and waited for a long, long time. I said to Grandma, "From now on, you will follow me and live with me in Urumqi." I had planned how the two of us would live and what kind of house we would rent. Grandmother gently agreed, but said nothing. Only later did she say, "It's not that I don't want to be with you. I am afraid of dragging you down." I couldn't stop the tears, but I said, "Grandma, we'll live together, don't be afraid." Then the car came and we got in. I was seasick and kept getting out of the car and vomiting along the way. Grandmother also followed and got out of the car to rub my back. Then the car passed by a small wilderness store, we got off to rest. The store only offers fried fish, so I bought some for my grandmother. Grandma had never eaten anything fishy, but she ate a lot that day. We rode for seven or eight hours in a row through the mountains and forests, and we were all tired and hungry from the bumpy ride.

Another time, a friend called and told me something. I forced myself to calm down and think clearly to ask and answer with her. After hanging up the phone, all thoughts were lost, as if I felt a word for the first time - "no one to turn to". I cried in spite of everything and later heard my grandmother walking around in the next room.

Once I moved to a new house and brought my grandmother in. The room was empty, all the furniture was a folded marching bed and a rope. Grandma slept on the marching bed and I slept on the floor. The rope was held across the living room. All the clothes and odds and ends were hung on it. I didn't have a bed until six months later. It took another six months before the bed was made with mattresses. Grandma was ninety-three years old that year. When I walked into the empty room with her for the first time, I said to her, "Grandma, this is where we will live from now on." She looked around, found a place to sit down, and unbuttoned her jacket.

One time, I decided I didn't want to go to school. I went to look for my mother. When I got out of the car, the driver pointed to a lonely mud house at the head of the village and said, "That's your house." I pushed the door inside and was greeted by the smell of smoked lamb. Grandma was stewing meat, she never ate lamb, the smell was disgusting, but knew it was something nutritious. She was happy to stew it for us to eat. At that time she was eighty-six years old, she hadn't fallen yet, she wasn't paralyzed yet, she was still very strong and awake. The room we lived in was very small, ten square feet at most, with a tailor's store in the front half, sleeping and cooking in the back half, and a cloth curtain hanging in the middle. There were four or five pieces of cloth hanging on the wall in our house. Another tailor's store in the village had 50 or 60 kinds of fabrics hanging all over one wall. I started to work with my mother as a seamstress, and life was quiet all day long. Then my mother bought a tape recorder and kept playing songs. We sang every song on all the tapes.

Once I came home from a trip to the mountains, and our home was a plastic shack held up by wood. It wasn't as strong as a tent. I walked into the plastic shed and saw my mother weighing the sugar cubes, which she divided into piles for every two hundred grams. Grandma stood aside and put the piles of sugar into plastic bags and tied the mouths tightly. That way, a packet of sugar is sold for two dollars. The two of them did this for a long time. I saw that there were several boxes under the counter. So long years.

Another time, I was five years old. Grandma said to me, "We don't have any money." For the first time in my life, I felt anxious and sad. At that time, my mother was wandering around, and Grandma was a rag-picker at the time, going through garbage cans all day. I was eating an apple and said to Grandma, "I only eat one a day or tomorrow there will be none left." Many years later, Grandma could remember those words.

--These, were not dreams. Last night's scenario was a dream. I dreamed of those years when I used to keep moving and renting, of the very little bit of merchandise sparsely placed on the shelves. I dreamed that we were a family of three quietly eating around a plate of food.

Life kept getting caught up in those years. In the future, after I see him, I will say to him: "There is so much sadness in the world. But it's okay. I ended up being the person I wanted to be the most."

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Jackmama

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