The Birthday Cake Tribunal
A Sing City inquiry into cake deprivation, celebratory biscuits and the proper administration of birthdays
It was the day everyone had to mark—but didn’t quite know how to.
October 6th was Birthday Cake Awareness Day, and coincidentally, Cassandra Soo's birthday. She was miserable; no one had cared to mark the occasion.
No cake. She was cakeless.
An advertisement for the Birthday Cake Relief Society caught her eye. It promised to mark the occasion for Sing City’s cake-deprived citizenry—a conventionally overlooked group.
Its slogan stood out. “No citizen should remain without cake.”
Cassandra picked up the phone and dialled her number. Hers was a national emergency.
So Cassandra applied for emergency assistance—for a birthday cake.
The formalities were horrendous.
The society required Form BCA 06, detailing Proof of Cake Deprivation. A cupcake, muffin, or equivalent celebratory confection would suffice.
Then, the key clause: Celebratory Baked Goods Received within the Previous 24 Hours. She placed a courageous tick against NO.
She posted the form—three signatures, two declarations and a certified birthday later.
She was finally given an appointment to account for her need for a birthday cake. During that session, the official asked if she had anything to eat that day.
Cassandra remembered a biscuit that her mother had suggested she try at 10:30 a.m.
The official froze. Then finally opened his mouth to speak.
“A BISCUIT?”
“Yes, a biscuit.”
“A BISCUIT?”
“Yes. Just one biscuit.”
An angry red stamp across the form. “Application rejected.”
Cassandra was bewildered. “But why?”
“Celebratory Baked Goods Assistance,” the official replied tersely.
“But it was just a small, single biscuit!”
“That’s exactly why this procedure exists. We’d be letting too much go by if everyone came to us with ‘just that small biscuit.’”
The matter returned to the tribunal, with the offending biscuit entered as Exhibit A. The same three judges sat across from Cassandra at a long table.
One of the judges began with expected stoicism.
“Ehem. We are here to answer the question: ‘Does a biscuit constitute celebratory assistance?’ Intention must be established.”
The other judges also contributed assistance—Cassandra didn’t need to answer them.
“Was there icing?”
“Were there candles?”
“Was Happy Birthday included as part of the proceedings?”
Cassandra, completely flummoxed, just shook her head.
But as the tribunal proceeded, someone noticed the date on the Chairman’s document.
October 11. His birthday.
Cassandra, a twinkle in her eye, asked the bold question. “Sir, did YOU get a birthday cake?”
He looked decidedly uncomfortable. “I may have received... a doughnut.”
Suddenly, the tribunal had to decide if a doughnut counted.
While the tribunal was deciding whether the offending biscuit and doughnut were case-adjacent, a bailiff disappeared. She resurfaced, carrying a small chocolate cake.
Plain. A little squashed. The icing? A little melted.
The bailiff laid it on the table—with a solitary candle.
No forms.
No declarations.
No eligibility assessments.
Cassandra eyed the Chairman meaningfully.
He instructed the bailiff to fetch a stack of paper plates—including one for her.
Satire by Michelle Liew Tsui-Lin
About the Creator
Michelle Liew Tsui-Lin
Hi, i am an English Language teacher cum freelance writer with a taste for pets, prose and poetry. When I'm not writing my heart out, I'm playing with my three dogs, Zorra, Cloudy and Snowball.
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