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The Big Golden Sneeze

Berel the Magnificent (the Greatest Wizard of All Time) stumbles upon a horrific journal entry on the origins of The Sneeze of Death.

By J R RajornePublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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Berel the Magnificent (the GWOAT) atop his trusty steed.

Staring down, Berel’s eyes finally settled on the strange, worn red book at his side. He cracked it open.

Examining the fragile pages, many were filled with diagrams and hand-drawn images of various flora, fauna and unimaginable creations, strange symbols, recipes, and languages Berel mostly didn’t understand or recognise.

Turning his attention to earlier entries in fancy cursive script, it appeared as if there was a whole section of the red book dedicated to the reflections of the author on various topics and politics, but predominantly certain major world events Berel had never heard of before. Stopping upon the final entry in the journal, a phrase that looked sickeningly familiar caught his eye…

***

2344 CE, 4th Mey, Year of the Goat.

ARCHMAGI BYERN’DARS

Supreme Chancellor for Magic, The Orange Kingdom

Outskirts of Midulla’Nuwerr

I have crossed the Vindaloo River and stumbled upon the town of Midulla’Nuwerr, a town not presently noted on official maps, and given the insignificance of the place, I can understand why.

My months-long journey in search of answers leaves me only with more questions and hearsay. If I am to discover the truth of whether there is truly another outbreak, I must reflect upon what I have learned, so shall write my thoughts here in the hopes of clearing some of my mind palace of space, or in the unforeseen event of my death…a means to share what I know and the danger we all face.

300 years ago, they called it The Big Sneeze

It would start off as a sniffle, a little tickling of the nose, and then before you know it, with one gigantic…

AAAAAAAAAAACCHOOOOOO!!

You’d sneeze and shit yourself to death in one almighty go.

*A scribbled note in the margin says: *[There are rumours testifying of some rare cases where victims sneezed so violently that their skin and innards somehow reversed! A most horrendous way to leave this world... I suspect such a disease to be of magical origins, but from where, I am unsure…These rumours warrant further investigation as soon as possible.]

To the folk of lesser means, it became known as The Sneeze of Death, or the Sheeze, or the Snits, or simply the much-feared “SOD”, and if you were nearby someone when they SODDED themselves, there was a likely chance you’d catch it immediately and die on the spot too, shits and all.

Needless to say, the “pooping ones way into oblivion” saga led to a somewhat unforeseen and violent rush to buy all the world’s stockpiles of bog rolls, and ultimately culminated in the great BogPaperpocalypse, where every roll, every leafy substitute, and every tree was barren in the lands for a good few years - until things calmed down and the survivors learned the obvious and far more enjoyable solution of washing their butts instead.

Unfortunately, the Sneeze of Death tragically killed uncountable citizens of all races, creeds, and countries, both rich and poor.

Well, mostly the poor…

Much of this remains due to the lack of affordable healers, disinformation, and incompetent leadership who often denied any such plague existed at all (and lined their own pockets at the same time with the ensuing chaos on Merchant Street).

In many ways, this whole plague worked out just fine for the wealthy who privately, and sometimes publicly, thought the world already far too populated with undesirables anyway, and plebeian panic-purchasing of goods like food and water and bog paper, which the wealthy owned of course, made for great commerce. So “bring on the SOD!” they cried, “Our profits have never been higher!”

Publicly, those still begrudgingly bearing some social responsibility, like the Orange King of the time, would state foolishly that “The Big Sneeze is no big deal, no big deal. Believe me. We’ve got the best care there is, the best apothecaries, and they are working on a cure with lightning speed and one day, when it gets a little warmer, The Big Sneeze will magically disappear. Believe me. You wait and see, it’ll be tremendous, it’ll be a miracle and I will make it happen.”

But, after a few million deaths, such leaders could no longer ignore the existence of this plague, and instead chose to resort to what all genetically challenged leaders do - fervently deny responsibility, and blame “nasty, no good” foreigners for the disease.

Following this, citizens were assured they would be safe if you simply washed your hands and stuffed garlic up your nostrils. The Orange King at the time even boldly suggested infusions of Marigold tea as the cure-all – it being seen as a blessed flower to the adherents of The Order of The Rood, his most fervent supporters.

What they didn’t know was that the Marigold, an ancient and alluring flower, was also in fact known as the “Death flower” for those of the indigenous nations. The Keepers of the land, a proud and noble race whose heritage far pre-dates The Orange Kingdom, tell stories of the Marigold growing upon land tainted with the blood of the dead, with some believing one could lure the souls of deceased loved ones back to the land of the living with the Marigold. While those of the Orange Kingdom instead used it as a way to beautify their temples and protect one from evil...

Truth be told, for who knows how many millennia, the Marigold was a beautiful, harmless flower…but near to The Great Collapse, when the seasons changed and brought with them unbearable heat – the icecaps* melted, and the sweet Marigold turned a different shade entirely.

*A scribbled note in the margin says: *[According to research, “ice” is water that has become solidified due to extreme cold. Ice used to be commonplace, back when there were four seasons, with some lands hosting giant masses of “permafrost” - as they were thought to be permanent ice. What a world it must have been!]

It was soon after this event that the first Sneeze of Death was recorded…

Which brings me to my journey's purpose...I must investigate this matter further, and quickly, as there are growing rumours of strange deaths of similar description to The Big Sneeze happening in the rural outskirts of The Orange Kingdom... with Marigold-like flowers sprouting upon the dead.

It is my firm belief, though unproven without magical study, that the Marigold may hold further answers, and if so - the ones responsible for The Great Collapse likely have more blood on their hands than we will ever know…

I pray that I am wrong...

***

Berel slowly closed the book, his mind racing with what this could mean.

One thing was for certain – if this Byern’dars guy was right, he’d need to buy a whole lot more toilet paper before the day was done.

-----

Hey there! Thank you for reading this little snippet from the world of Berel the Magnificent, The Greatest Wizard of All Time – a book series I have in the works. If you like my content, I love you and want to have your babies. Click the heart-shaped button ❤️ to let me know just how awesome you are. Want to read more Berel the Magnificent short stories? Click on my profile! I'm having fun writing stuff for the Vocal challenges as part of the series.

I’ll create and add my new social pages soon to all my works, so you can continue to follow the latest dastardly adventures of my various characters. AND once my book is ready and published, I’ll leave a link for you to check it out!

Many thanks and much love.

J R Rathborne.

Fantasy
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About the Creator

J R Rajorne

Lover of heroic fantasy, RPG's and delightful storytelling.

Creator of Berel the Magnificent (the Greatest Wizard of All Time!), Granny the Barbarian, Usso "Old Grizzly" Abdullah and Rajorne the Wildling.

I hope you enjoy my works.

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