The BGP Patrol

There weren’t always dragons in the Valley. Unfortunately for the residents of Dongle Heath, a particularly stupid, infuriating and odorous fellow by the name of Philip Brushtongue decided it was a good idea to go on holiday for a week without properly locking the cage that held his pet Arithonian Regal Spotted Eastern Dragons, known to the locals as “ARSE” dragons. This proved to be a tragic blunder on Philip’s part, because the resulting carnage led to a verminous infestation of dragons that swept through the valley like wildfire, decimating the residents’ cheese supply and their good moods along with it.

***

Michelle was peckish for her afternoon slice of cheddar. You weren’t very well a Donglian if you didn’t snack on a slice of cheddar at least twice a day. Content after spending a few hours reading in the garden, she strolled into the kitchen with a rumbling tummy. As she reached to open the larder, however, she heard a bump come from within. Shit. Her cheese protection instincts kicked in and she grabbed a knife from the counter. She stared at the door, taking shallow breaths, and found she was beginning to sweat. Tense, Michelle slowly reached towards the handle again, this time with a shaking hand, and tried to prepare herself for what might lay on the other side. Taking one final deep breath, she tore the door open and began to stab and slash wildly, her eyes shut so she didn’t have to watch the slaughter.

But when she opened them, all that greeted her was a block of cheese which perhaps had a few more holes in it than normal. She breathed a heavy sigh of relief. It wasn’t a dragon. A jar had probably just fallen over. She’d been so uptight recently; she was the only one on the street who hadn’t had to fend off a dragon yet, and she’d been seeing them in every cupboard and ‘round every corner because of it. She felt a moment of pride in how she’d managed to keep the house free of them as she picked up the block of cheese, smiling to herself-

Eyes.

Michelle yelped. The crafty creature had been hiding behind the cheese. The ARSE dragon had deceived her by hiding behind the cheese. Michelle felt great shame in being outsmarted by an ARSE, especially one so small as that. The dragon launched itself at Michelle’s face, coating her in its viscous mucous. Michelle dropped her weapon as she gurgled on slime. Despite being partially blinded and suffocated, Michelle refused to allow such embarrassment to go unpunished. There must be justice. As Michelle wiped the slime from her eyes, the ARSE dragon has disappeared. There was just a block of cheddar on the floor, dripping with ooze. The creature had not given up. Michelle acknowledged her foe as a worthy adversary.

An epic battle ensued between Michelle and the ARSE dragon. They hid from each other, picking their preferred corners. Occasionally, they would courageously peek at each other from their hiding spots. This time, they made eye contact, human eye to bulbous reptilian eye. For a moment, she thought maybe, just maybe, the ARSE dragon wasn’t just a simple beast. Maybe it was intelligent, and deserved some compassion. To think, she’d nearly shredded this animal. A fellow living being she shared this planet with. She could actually feel a hint of sympathy budding in her heart, with a tinge of guilt.

That disappeared like a fart in the wind when the dragon popped a fat turd on the kitchen floor while licking its eyeball, never breaking eye contact with Michelle. All compassion gone, Michelle felt pure bloodlust. The dragon might survive Michelle but it wouldn’t get away with defecating in Old Lady Stern’s kitchen. Neither of them could survive that. Michelle had to capture the creature to prove the faeces came from the ARSE and not her. Michelle grabbed the cheese and threw it into a jar, lid off. She hid again, making sure the creature couldn’t see her. For what felt like an eternity, but was actually only 6 minutes and 46 seconds in reality, the ARSE dragon slithered out and crawled into the jar. Michelle pounced on the jar with the lid like a frog pouncing on a jar with a lid. Successfully contained, the ARSE proceeded to play dead.

***

Mayor Lewis Krankenbottom of Dongle Heath was, frankly, sick and tired of dealing with the ARSE infestation. As of that morning, Mayor Krankenbottom had already dispatched a quivering of the ARSEs. Yes, the collective term for ARSE dragons is called a quivering. Contrary to popular belief, scientists do possess a sense of humour, although it is rarely observed and generally tends to stay so deeply hidden it leaves you questioning whether it is actually there. Just as Mayor Krankenbottom was about to enjoy his bi-hourly tea, Michelle ran in screaming. Despite not possessing any ability to predict the future whatsoever, Lewis already knew what it was about. Michelle plopped the jar in front of Lewis.

“When are we going to fix this?!” Michelle screamed while gesturing to the jar containing a well-fed dragon that was sleeping off its meal.

“I swear I’m on it – these scoundrels have been an equal blight on everyone and, if you’ll pardon my Freanche-”

(Author sidenote: Freance has absolutely no affiliation or association with the real-world France and I’m unsure how you’re even drawing that connection).

“But I must say, they are quite a rather large pain in my buttocks,” Lewis replied. “We’ve tried everything: poison, traps, more traps but nothing seems to work. I fear we might soon have to call in professionals.”

“Maybe we should have called them in at the beginning. You know, just saying.” Michelle’s annoyance was thinly veiled. Actually, it wasn’t veiled at all, because she rolled her eyes as she spoke and her tone was one of complete distaste.

“Ah yes. You see, the problem is most local pest companies are not capable of handling such a foreign infestation. Therefore, we’ve had to look outside Dongle Heath and I do think we’ve found one company that said they’re willing to take the job. Although, their qualifications seem dubious at best.”

“Who are they?”

“They refer to themselves as the “BGP”. Be Gone Pests. I actually used to go university with one of them. A jolly good lad by the name of Mathias Comfortable. We just called him Mat, though.”

“Well, what are we waiting for?!”

“Well, you see. They’re a bit… off the rails, if you catch my meaning. A few eggs short of a dozen. A few nipples short of a full breasticle…” Lewis cleared his throat. “You see, during university, dearest Matty met a Molenisian by the name of Jimmy Peartree. Jimmy had, erm… an exotic palette. Literally, I saw the man eat a trashrabbit. He was sick for days, and then he did it again. Twice.”

“Listen Lewis, I don’t care what they’ll do to the ARSE dragons just as long as they are gone. Mother almost did a backflip out of pure rage after seeing the mess this one made, if I have to clean up after another ARSE I will burn down Dongle Heath.”

“Fine, I’ll get a hold of them.”

***

A few days passed and two men showed up in Dongle Heath of the Valley.

One of them was dressed in enough layers to stop a rhinoceros charging through him.

The other decked a floral shirt with shorts.

An ARSE dragon attempted to slither out from the entrance to the town hall and the thickly clad one swiped it up in a net.

Brandishing the captured ARSE, Jimmy Peartree spoke with a glint in his eye. “Hmmm. I bet this will taste good if we skewer it and grill it over a fire. Add some peppers and onions. If we catch enough we could add it to our menu for a limited amount of time.”

“I mean, I’m not sure about that. Maybe if- No, no, we’re not doing this now. Come on, we’re being paid to be here. I can’t wait to see Lewis.” The two of them strode across the threshold and into the hall.

Mayor Krankenbottom stood immaculately dressed to greet the BGP patrol. The Krankenbottoms had a proud history of appearing dignified yet still willing to mingle with the common folk and working-class. Further, the extreme degeneracy Lewis had to face alongside his less wealthy housemates during their university experience had irreversibly humbled him, thrusting upon his heart the beautifully enlightening realisation that all people are pricks regardless of colour, creed or class.

Lewis extended his hand to greet Mat.

“Welcome to Dongle Heath.”

“My pleasure,” said Mat in a haughty tone. He took Lewis’s hand and shook it, pulling a funny face. The two stared for a second before bursting into laughter, embracing each other tightly.

“It’s been a while hasn’t it you posh twat?” jeered Mat as they disentangled.

“Too long my friend, too long. How about you Jimmy boy, still cooking any vermin you can fit in an oven?”

Jimmy drew himself up with an excited, perhaps touching on manic grin. “Our previous job involved dealing with a swarm of Polka-dotted Plopper Parrots and let me tell you, they go great marinated with paprika, thyme, lemon juice and lots of garlic. Stick 'em in the oven and hoooo boy. They were a hit at the restaurant.”

“Restaurant…” Michelle said, confused. She’d tagged along to evaluate whether or not the BGP crew were capable.

Lewis turned to Michelle, smiling as if there were nothing at all wrong with either of these human beings. “Ah yes Michelle, I forgot to mention. You see, both Mat and Jimmy both have a culinary curiosity. They consider it an art to be able to concoct all sorts of fanciful dishes. However, they found the cost of obtaining certain ingredients to be too high, which is when these two madmen came up with the idea of a pest control company. By being paid to catch animals, and then use said pests as ingredients for their restaurant, they eliminate some costs.” He spoke with an air of respect for their hustle.

“How do you get people to eat pests?” Michelle asked, her brow furrowed.

“That’s the challenge innit? It’s an art to be able to take a creature so repugnant and transform it into something delectable!” Mat spoke with the loud passion of an extremely strange chef.

Michelle had to admit, Mat was extremely good looking. Although, amidst her perverted thoughts she found herself wondering: do they always have to be such weirdos?

***

Lewis escorted the group to the Dangling Woods of Dongle Heath (of the Valley), where all the trees stand firm and erect. No further description is required for this new area, and I’m afraid any disagreement will not be noted, duly or otherwise.

“We reckon they’ve built a nest in there. They’re breeding like trashrabbits,” Lewis said.

“Well, we’re going to have to have a look around and see what the damage is before we come up with a plan,” Mat said.

Jimmy pulled out an odd contraption. There was a giant tank on his back with a tube connected to a pole with what looked like a plunger at the end. “This’ll suck up any ARSE we find on the way. Keep them fresh.”

The group ventured deeper into the woods. Jimmy was sucking ARSEs left and right. He was excellent at it. Lewis was existing, as he often did, and Mat was making conversation with Michelle.

“There’s simply too many to suck up. We’re gonna have to deploy some broad-range tactics. Perhaps get Emyr and Bonnie on the job as well,” said Mat musingly.

“Emyr and Bonnie?” Michelle asked, expertly prompting further exposition of the story.

“Yeah, we have a beast tamer on the team. She adopted two nightstalker cats and trained them into absolute hunting and killing machines. We use them to handle large number of smaller pests. Especially if there’s too many for us to handle by ourselves.”

“What about large beasts?”

“We have something – or should I say someone – for that too. Hopefully, it won’t come to that, though.”

“So, it’s decided then, we’ll get Kira and the cats and come back tomorrow,” Jimmy said.

***

The next day came along, with a woman riding a motorbike into Dongle Heath. She had two giant felines running alongside her. One was pure black, similar to a panther and the other had a coat of white and black like a funny looking zebra. The woman herself was bulky and definitely capable of crushing a watermelon with her fists. She rendezvoused with the gang right around Cheese Hour, outside the entrance to the Dangling Woods. This isn’t a particularly helpful indication of time because Dongle Heath considered every hour to be Cheese Hour, but in this case, it was around two in the afternoon. Kira had forgotten she was supposed to be there for midday and left in a hurry. She dismounted her motorbike and removed her helmet. Mat spoke while she fussed the cats. They didn’t like him very much.

“In a nutshell, we’ve got too many ARSEs, we’ll need Bonnie and Emyr to track down the nest,” Mat said, reiterating the brief Kira had been given over the phone.

Kira nodded and had the cats sniff a captured ARSE. Their ears perked up and they ran off into the trees. The group followed close behind as the cats occasionally stopped to sniff the trail out. They coursed through the Dangling Woods until they reached the heart. In the middle stood the Great Dingle Tree. There was a hole burrowed underneath the tree. Big enough that an adult could crawl through.

“That’s probably the nest innit?” Jimmy said. The group more or less agreed. “So what’s the plan then? Poison? Fire?”

“Whatever you’re planning on doing I sincerely hope it doesn’t cause great harm to the Dingle Tree, it is a landmark of our great locale,” Lewis interjected.

“That means we’re going to have to get in and get personal. And by we, I mean Bonnie and Emyr,” Mat said.

Kira grunted and did some gestures with her hands.

“Yeah I guess, it would make more sense for us to head in and exterminate the nest and whatever is inside while Bonnie and Emyr hunt the stragglers outside the nest. Fine,” Mat said exasperatedly.

Jimmy and Mat prepared to shimmy into the nest while Kira ran off with the cats.

“Wait hold up, what do you think you’re doing?” Mat said to Michelle as she followed him into the hole.

“I’m seeing this to the end. I’m not taking no for an answer,” she replied. Her face was all grim determination. Mat had to respect it, though he wasn’t happy. Fortunately for BGP, their contract contained a clause that made them exempt of any responsibility for the injury of random strangers who decided to join in on their missions. It was surprising how often that happened.

Mayor Krankenbottom had set up a nice lounge chair outside the hole and was enjoying a hot cup of Erl’s Grey while reading about the Melonesian colonialisation. He really was extremely posh.

Mat understood it wasn’t worth arguing with Michelle. He knew that it was impossible to change certain people’s minds, like when he tried to convince Jimmy not to try trashrabbit sushi or for Phil to try couples therapy to save his dying marriage.

As they crawled deeper into the nest, the path wound so steeply downwards they were practically falling down the tunnel. They had entered a sort of cavernous network. The tunnels were much larger with enough space for the group to stand upright with much space for their heads to not hit the ceiling.

“Let’s not split up,” Mat said.

“Yeah, good idea,” Michelle said.

The group chose a route at random. The BGP patrol were not a complicated bunch.

“I didn’t know ARSE dragons could dig such complex tunnels,” Michelle said.

“There’s no way a regular ARSE dragon did this,” Mat said.

A look of horror flashed across Jimmy’s face. “You’re right Mat. We need to get out of here now!”

“What do you mean?” Mat asked.

“One of the ARSE dragons must have become a Queen ARSE. That’s the only explanation for the size of these tunnels and the huge number of dragons,” Jimmy replied.

“But Queen ARSEs are a theory. One’s never really been observed,” said Mat.

“There’s no natural predators for the ARSEs here. It’s the perfect place for one of them to develop into a Queen. Oh Lord, what is that?”

It felt as though there was an earthquake. The walls, ceiling and floor were all shaking in unison, heralding the arrival of her Majesty.

The trio made friends with the local 180-degree angle at a very fast pace. As they were running from the source of impending doom behind them Jimmy shouted to Mat, “We need Liberty!” He skidded on some slime and nearly fell over, cursing.

“I can’t contact her underground; we need to reach the surface first!” Mat shouted back.

The rumbling grew ever closer.

“Why is it coming after us?” screamed Michelle.

“It probably smells the cheese in my pockets,” Jimmy said rather nonchalantly while sprinting.

“WHY DO YOU HAVE CHEESE?” Michelle screamed in an unsubtle, and somewhat rude, when Jimmy really thought about it, manner.

“I was expecting to have to lure out regular-sized ARSE dragons. Not a flipping queen sized motherdragon,” Jimmy shouted back.

When the group reached the upwards tunnel Mat and Michelle leapt upwards and climbed to the top as quick as they could. However, when they reached the surface they were missing a member. Mayor Krankenbottom had just put away his tea and the copy of the Daily Dongle.

“Where’s Jimmy?” Michelle said.

“He must have kept on running. He knew the queen was after him so he ran past the entrance to buy us time,” Mat said.

“Time for what?” Michelle asked.

“For this,” Mat said as held up a little device that looked like a walkie-talkie. He pressed a button on top and the device started beeping and an electronic voice said, “Liberty deployed. 15 minutes till arrival.”

“Jimmy and I have limits on the type of pests we can handle. Size limits in particular. Luckily, we have someone for that. Michelle, I’m going to need you to hold onto this,” Mat said as he passed her the device.

“Lewis do you have any cheese?” Mat asked.

“Always,” Lewis said in a painfully upper-class manner as he pulled out a block of the finest Freanche cheese.

Mat swiped it before anyone could react and jumped back into the tunnel. Michelle jumped in after him leaving Lewis with the device.

“What are you doing?” Mat shouted at Michelle as she slid behind him back into the rumbling caverns.

“You’re going to need help luring the queen to the top aren’t you?” Michelle replied.

“It’s too dangerous.”

“I do not care.”

Futility was a funny thing. Depending on the context, it could have a whole host of effects on people. In this case, it led to Mat not making any further attempt to argue. Michelle was member of the Stern family and they could out-stubborn a block of marble.

They ran in the direction Jimmy must have gone in. They came into a large cavern with the largest ARSE that any of them had ever seen. It was huge.

The Queen was a behemoth. It was easily larger than 4 adult men stacked on top of each other. Its shimmering, jungle green scales reflected the fear off Jimmy’s face as he was cornered by the royal brute. He had already lost his bait to the creature and was wondering if the Queen enjoyed Molenisian as well. He suddenly knew how it must have felt to be one of the pests they captured, ready to be cooked up. He only hoped the Queen could make his demise delicious.

Mat screamed at the top of his voice, waving the cheese he had brought. The intoxicating smell of the Krankenbottom, specially-acquired Freanche cheese, proved too much for the Queen to resist. It lost interest in Jimmy faster than women lost interest in Philip.

“Time to run again,” Mat said. They sprinted back again to the entrance of the tunnel.

The Queen was gaining on them. It was surprisingly fast for a creature so large. Often the word “fast” is not associated with the word “queen” as one would assume that most queens just sit around all day doing queen things like tax the poor and eat scones. The Queen was snapping at the running feet of Mat and Michelle with its gaping maw, teeth like daggers.

“It’s too fast,” Mat said, huffing as he threw the cheese at Michelle. “Make sure you get to the surface. I’ll slow it down a bit.” He turned around to face the Queen. Just before it ran him over, he masterfully planted a dropkick into one of its eyes. The Queen screamed and right before swiping at Mat, Jimmy leaped from behind and dropkicked the other eye. He had been holding onto the Queen’s tail the entire time. “KEEP RUNNING!” they both shouted at Michelle in unison.

Michelle reached the surface to find Lewis holding the device while playing chess against himself. “MOVE!” she screamed as the hole erupted behind her. The Queen flew out the hole and hid the sun with two screaming men clinging on to her for dear life. The Queen plummeted to the ground, the resulting impact shook both Jimmy and Mat off. The Queen faced Michelle and Lewis, licking its lips. It took a step closer, and closer; cutting off escape for them. Michelle threw the cheese which it caught in mid-air, eating in one bite. Nevertheless, it still continued its advance, only with a mildly satiated look in its eyes. Lewis pulled out a napkin and dabbed his brow. He refused to compromise his reputation in front of this beast. Michelle stared into the eyes of the Queen, determined to stare it down. The beeping in the device of Lewis’ hands beeped lounder and faster until it said, “Liberty has arrived.”

A massive object hurtled through the sky, crashing down onto the Queen like the hammer of the gods imbued with the force of thunder itself. Everyone was thrown back as a cloud of dust rose up. As the dust cleared, a giant figure was holding an unconscious Queen by the neck.

“Introducing Liberty,” Mat said gesturing to the giant figure. The figure stepped into the open dragging the Queen by the neck. Liberty looked like a giant knight. A metallic warrior with size to match the Queen. “This is how we handle the larger threats. And introducing our pilot, George.”

Liberty’s helmet opened, revealing one George seated inside. “Hello, it’s me. George.” George shouted from the Liberty. George had streaks of pink short hair. Big round glasses and an appearance that suited an accountant more than the pilot for a weapon of pest destruction.

Just as the crew were about to settle things, they heard a loud voice booming from the skies. “WHAT IS THIS?!” A large purple dragon wearing a suit flew down holding a briefcase. He pulled out a pile of documents from his briefcase and pushed up his glasses. “According to s.47 of the Protection of Intellectual Sapient Species Act 1888 or PISS Act 1888, the Queen ARSE dragon is protected under statute. Here is her application for status as a protected intellectual entity. Ergo, by trespassing onto her territory and committing assault, you all will be lucky to only serve a decade of imprisonment. Not to mention the clear intention of murdering my client, I could easily convict you all of voluntary manslaughter. I hope you all have a decent lawyer because I will bringing you all to court. So I implore you to unhand my client before I add on to your charges.”

Mat looked at Jimmy who just shrugged. “Time to lawyer up I guess.”