The Bartholomew Roberts School of Wayward Pescatarian Sharks

In my thirty-plus years roaming the high seas as the most wanted pirate that ever walked the face of the earth, known back then as the rascal Black Bart, and who has sent more than my share of rotten scoundrels to the bottom of the sea to meet with Davy Jones, I can count on two fingers those poor souls who became a meal for our brethren of the sea, the sharks. Unlike their pesky counterparts who wander the earth on two legs devouring everything from cattle to pork to leaves to worms, the shark is much more choosy when it comes to putting something in its belly. I guess that's why they are referred to as pescatarians.

If you're unfamiliar with the word, look it up. If not, the short definition is someone who prefers a diet of fish. That's right! Sharks prefer to eat fish over just about anything else in the sea. I wonder why that may be. I have an idea or two. When it became abundantly clear to me that pirating was not what it was all cracked up to be, especially when it came to retirement benefits, I decided to leave my rambunctious ways behind and open a culinary arts school. I called it The Bartholomew Roberts School of Wayward Pescatarian Sharks. The menu would contain specialty dishes where humans were the main dish.

I traveled the world and interviewed countless sharks inquiring about their diets. Without exception, they all turned their snouts up when I mentioned devouring humans. Most would rather starve to death. A few stated they might sneak a bite if humans were the only thing available to eat. But they were quick to qualify it was only for nourishment and they didn't enjoy it. When I quizzed them about the numerous random "shark attacks", I was dismissed with accusations of making things up or bullying them. Without exception, every respondent stated the so-called "shark attacks" were accidental. Several respondents told me they had been involved in these random accidents and were actually intending to feed on fish or maybe an occasional seal and the human got between them and their prey when they were already committed to biting. I suppose this is plausible enough. That's for another article. The purpose of this article is to share with you those recipes sharks would prefer if they were forced to eat humans.

First things first! If you ever want to entice a shark to taste you, it all begins with the visual aspects of the dish. No matter how good a dish tastes, if it looks like trash or goop, most things won't put it in their mouth. It's the same with sharks. We've already established that sharks detest the taste of humans, so the first thing is to make sure your human dish resembles their most favorite foods. Dress and move around like a fish or seal in distress. That's a guaranteed way of getting most hungry sharks to at least take a look-see at you. Don't expect them to come in and wolf you right down. Sharks are finicky eaters. They're liable to make a pass or two and check you out first. Does the odor smell like their favorite fish? Do you really look like their favorite seal? Are you worth their time or do you look sickly? Remember, it's all in the presentation!

It's difficult for a shark to pass up a small seal or sea lion that is separated from the pack, maybe splashing around oblivious to the dangers of the deep. You can put on a black wet suit and swim out from shore a little way and start splashing about. When you get tired, float on your back for a spell. This alone will get you a few passes from some hungry sharks, but maybe not a bite. If you are really intent, you may have to chum the water around you some. Consider it an appetizer. Sharks in general love blood and fish guts so consider adding it as a side dish to the main course. But enough of everyday fast food cuisine. Let's get down to the brass tacks and reveal some recipes sharks just might take a liking to if humans were on the menu.

Tiradito (South Pacific Island Style)

I cannot legitimately find a reason why any shark would turn away from this recipe if it's prepared properly. The Peruvians used thinly sliced raw fish for this appetizer and sweetened it with specially selected cooked veggies. Here at the culinary school, we do the same thing, but we substitute thinly sliced raw fish with thinly sliced raw buttocks of man. We add in Peruvian whole tomatoes and spice it all up with a dash of lemon and lime juice and coriander and to give it a bite back (and to hide the distasteful appearance of buttocks), we liberally sprinkle Amarillo pepper over the entire dish. This appetizer is sure to be a hit among the more laid-back island-hopping sharks found in the South Pacific. So far, we've received rave reviews from the white tip and hammerhead sharks who frequent the Soloman Islands.

Trucha a la parrilla

Trucha a la parrilla will most likely go down in history as the dish that changed the way sharks viewed humans. In the past, sharks feared humans and actually tried to avoid them. Once this recipe hits the mainstream, sharks from all economic classes will be scampering to the beaches to get the freshest little humans they can find for their next meal. Instead of cannibalizing the trout populations, sharks will enjoy filets of little humans served fresh and partially cooked in a melody marinade of lemon juice, chopped parsley, cumin, garlic, and salt. And unlike trout, there are no nasty little bones the sharks can choke on. If sharks are looking for the perfect, quick, ideal meal for their own finicky children to eat, then this is the recipe for them.

Patarashca

For the discerning, unencumbered king of the reef shark, I highly recommend the Patarashca. This is another Peruvian recipe that originally began with plain old white fish and a few potatoes. We've modified the recipe to make it more palatable for Makos, Tigers, and of course, the Great White Shark. This recipe is best found around large yachts and right off the beaches in some of the more wealthy resort areas of the South Pacific. Regardless of the human chosen, it must be obese, intoxicated and it helps if the human has eaten within the last 4 hours. The meat is best eaten raw. The dish is intoxicating so it's not recommended for any shark to operate heavy equipment after eating Patarashca. We've found the meat to be a little more fruity around and near yachts, especially in the Cancun area. This is not a meal for first-timers. But if you've enjoyed accidental bites in the past, go for it!

I hope you enjoyed my short story about sharks during that time of the year when sharks are usually making the news everywhere for stuff they typically didn't start. I also hope you learned a few new words and new things about sharks too. I don't often write humor because I'm not that good at it, but I do hope I was able to bring a smile to your face. If you liked the story, please consider leaving me a heart or maybe even a tip in the tip jar. I drink an abnormal amount of bottled water, diet dr. pepper and coffee. Also, I recently started participating in the Vocal Creator Support Group on Facebook if you want to contact me there.