The Adventures of Danny Cupcake & Muddy

“What do you call this Muddy?” Danny asks.

“Your surprise party?” Muddy replies cooly.

“Very funny” Danny pushes the door open to an audible creak.

They peer into the old, dilapidated first floor apartment. The room is trashed with torn up clothes, old books, shoe boxes and piles of letters littered inside. There is a faded couch with cigarette burns, a frayed leather office chair turned upside down and a glass chandelier shattered in the middle of the room. The wood floors are chipped off into oblivion, and the lighting in each room has either blown or flickers on and off weakly.

“Damn this place is filthy bro” Danny steps into a pile of damp glass.

“Man, if you think this is bad you should come and see my place downtown” Muddy tramples a pile of chocolate colored dust through the door. His Nike Air Jordan's embellished with his signature brown tick.

A river of water seeps out through a crack in the bathroom door. Danny twists the knob open and with it a gush swallows the entire floorspace of the apartment. The bathtub is full to the brim, the faucet still running. He squats down to turn it off before feeling the water through his fingertips.

“You like baths?” Danny asks.

“What do you think?” Muddy snaps back sarcastically.

Danny walks to the kitchen and examines an old newspaper on the kitchen counter. There is an image of a beautiful, statuesque woman on the front page, she has long dark hair, a warm smile and a big flashy engagement ring. She stands next to a man who covers his face from the commotion of oncoming paparazzi. The page is completely saturated, the ink running down the page staining the woman’s face with black soaked tears.

Danny flings the soaking paper out the front door, it hits a man in the chest as he enters. The man is tall with a buzz cut, a square jaw and a blazer adorned with gold commemorative medallions on both lapels. He dusts off the remnants of soggy paper and stares him down coldly.

“Gentlemen. I am General Basil Herbert Von Worcestershire”. He extends a cordial hand to Danny for what seems like an unusually long time.

The two of them walk toward the man suspiciously. Muddy rips off the personnel badge from his pocket and flings it back to Danny. Danny pulls the badge in to inspect for details. After a minute he casually hands it over.

“Oh, I'm sorry Chief we weren’t expecting you. I’m Danny Cupcake and this is my partner Muddy” Danny says.

“Your partner?” The General asks Danny dumbfounded.

Danny and Muddy shoot each other a confused glance before looking back at The General. He retracts his hand sharply from Danny’s.

“Never mind. I take it you will both be handling this case then?” He tucks his badge neatly back into his pocket.

"That's right" Muddy vigilantly paces around him keeping a close watch.

Danny bends down to pick up a piece of shattered glass and flicks it in the reflection of the dim light. The glass has a faint red smudge on the outer corner. He pulls it in closely to his right eye, he swipes the glass with the tip of his pinky finger and licks it without a second thought.

“Cherry flavoured lipgloss. Just like the kind my girlfriend wears” Danny says confidently.

“Aw man, you’re back with Megan?” Muddy groans in disapproval.

“We’re figuring it out” Distracted, he pockets the glass and begins to rifle chaotically through some old letters in the garbage can.

The General looks at them both with uncomfortable disdain. As Danny bends over he dubiously leans forward to peer at the badge sliding out from his back pocket. Muddy slaps him with an old rolled up newspaper.

"OW!" The General shrieks.

"Be nice man" Muddy eyes him over watchfully.

“What can you tell us about the person who lives here?” Danny pulls a pile of drenched letters out from the bottom of the garbage can.

“Well. Believe it or not this terribly run down tenement is the current accomodation of none other than Miss Monroe Sinclair - Éclair” He rubs his arm in discomfort.

“Monroe Sinclair - Éclair?” Danny drops the pile of letters in shock.

“Man. She’s straight fire, I would let her take a bite out of me with five dessert forks just to have one night alone with her” Muddy slaps a hand on the General's arm leaving a few flecks of chocolate dust on his sleeve.

“Yes. Quite right” The General says, dusting the chocolate remnants away.

Danny walks back to the bedroom in a moment of instinct, he flings the contents of the closet on to the floor and digs through the racks until he retrieves a silk night gown from the very back. He pulls out a wad of cash, a tissue with a lipstick mark and a cigarette from one of the pockets.

“So what is a movie star like her doing hanging out in a place like this?” Danny asks suspiciously.

“Well it seems her ex fiancé is none other than David Hasslehoff -’s maid's driver” The General lifts up and inspects one of his pant legs which is entirely soaked through with murky fudge stained water.

“You mean the guy who was run outta town after making all those propaganda videos about toddler skinny tea on Instagram?” Danny asks.

“The very same”. The General forensically swipes a glob of chocolate frosting off of the bottom of his sleeve.

“Yeah. I heard he’s hiding in a warehouse next to an Kmart somewhere selling Baywatch swimsuits for dolls on Etsy” Muddy flicks one of The General’s medallions. He slaps his hand away in protest.

“Whatta guy” Danny continues to sift through the closest turning the pockets inside out as he goes. The entire closet now tipped on the floor.

“So what. Miss sin goes into hiding to get away from the toddler tea controversy. Why all the chaos here then? Muddy asks.

“Was she taken?” Danny juts his head out from the closet door.

An Officer in uniform walks into the room clutching a yellow envelope with the words “OPERATION HAPPY MEAL” emboldened across the middle in red pen. The General ushers him quietly back outside and returns a few minutes later with the envelope which he hands to Danny.

“Gentleman. Ahem. Gentlemen. I’m afraid it’s far worse than we could have imagined. We have some trouble across the Atlantic. It appears Miss Sinclair - Éclair has been taken hostage. She's being held ransom at The MTV European Movie Awards”. The General says, panicking.

“IN EUROPE?” Danny and Muddy exclaim in unison.

“Yes, THE Europe. Regrettably it seems she’s been taken on a promotional tour against her will for a new cable television show called "Eat or be Eaten By: The Real Housewives of St Tropez” The General says, pained.

Danny stalks the room clutching the envelope in utter distress.

"Damn those French. First Emily in Paris. Now this?" Danny shakes his head in disappointment.

"Well actually sir, that was an Amer-". The Officer pipes up before being interrupted by Danny again.

“Well. We gotta go get her right now!”.

“You wanna go to Europe NOW?” Muddy exclaims.

"Yes Detective Cupcake are you quite sure that is wise?" The General says.

“We’ve got no choice. It’s our job to protect her! She's one Liza Minelli biopic away from winning her first Oscar. She was voted the best fake British accent on TV two years in a row. The MTV Awards? How could they do this? We've gotta find out who's responsible and take them down” Danny says stuffing a damp box with a pile of old notes and other water damaged, chocolate smudged evidence.

"General. Book those flights!" He walks to the door with wild determination.

"Hey man, but not with Delta because they make you pay extra for Netflix" Muddy wipes his hands and a bowl of chocolate dust engulfs the room.

The Officer comes back in with another envelope and taps The General gingerly on the shoulder.

“Yes. What is it now Johnson?”. The General snaps back at him agitated.

The Officer whispers to The General. The General nods in quiet agreement before looking back at Danny and Muddy cautiously.

“Right, yes. So, that will be one exit row seat for you and one ..uh?” He gestures between Danny and Muddy.

Danny and Muddy stare back at him blankly.

“Two exit rows will be fine Johnson” He says, smiling triumphantly.

“Thanks General. I’ll buy you a wifi voucher on the plane or something” Danny pats him on the shoulder matter of factly as he turns to leave.

“Thank you Detective Cupcake. That surely will not be necessary” He dusts his jacket once more.

They trudge out of the room slowly with the boxes of evidence, the apartment floor knee deep in swirling chocolate sludge.

“Just one moment?” The General stops them in his tracks pressing a finger to his lip.

Danny and Muddy turn back around.

“I’m sorry but is it just me or do you seem remarkably unfazed by the fact that your partner is indeed a piece of chocolate cake?” The General blurts out.

“That’s right” Danny says, unflinching.

“With arms and legs who can... talk?" The General stammers.

Danny and Muddy continue to stare at him obtusely.

"A piece of chocolate cake who appears eloquently well versed in criminal intelligence and who is now the leading detective on one of the most highly classified criminal cases in the world?” The General gestures to Muddy.

Danny’s eyes narrow in on him suspiciously.

“Hey man, watch it. I’m a chocolate mud cake. Okay?” Muddy says confidently.

“Don’t step on his kicks on the way out General” Danny winks as he exits.