The Absurd Same-Name Incident

The lights flickered on at the teen walk-in clinic. Jerry, the opening attendant, began his rounds to set up the place.

Just a day like any other, he thought as he restocked the pamphlets. Little did he know how wrong he would be.

LJ, the reception clerk, arrived half an hour later. Jerry’s tasks were done and he was now rearranging the magazines out of boredom.

She wore a bright patterned blouse and coral-green pants and, carrying a sugary iced coffee, extended her usual bubbly greeting as she passed. He responded with little more than a grunt.

The office assistant , Sally, and the various clinicians arrived over the next half hour. So, at 8 am, Jerry switched the door sign to “Open.”

By 9:30, there were four patients waiting — three girls and a boy. They were sitting in a line of eight chairs at the front, where LJ had directed them to after each intake.

Then, as the routine goes — and has always gone — a physician’s assistant came out and called a name. This one was Ted.

“Rebecca,” he said blandly. But two of the girls jumped up and started heading over. They stopped dead, however, once seeing the other one going in the same direction.

“Uhh…” he said, taken aback. The girls scrutinized each other. One had fair skin and was blonde and blue-eyed, while the other had dark olive skin and was a brunette. After a moment, they turned back to the man who called their name.

“Which Rebecca?” the blonde one asked. The other nodded.

“Well,” he said, looking down at his clipboard. “Uh… Rebecca Black.”

“That’s me!” they shouted in unison. The man’s eyes went wide with shock. The girls turned towards each other, exasperated, as all eyes turned to them.

“What do you mean?” the brunette asked, making a bee-line for the other. “I’m Rebecca Black!”

“Excuse you?!” the blonde one demanded. “No, I’m Rebecca Black.” The man in scrubs shot a look at Jerry and LJ, who then glanced at each other. Nothing had prepared them for this.

“You’re lying!” they shouted in unison at each other. “No, you’re lying!” The two still-waiting patients glanced at each other uneasily.

“Look, uhh—“ Ted tried to cut in as LJ scrambled to gather the girls’ intake papers. Jerry tried to signal her to ask how she possibly couldn’t have noticed, but she waved him off.

“This is ridiculous,” the blonde one said. “Which Rebecca Black?”

“I have…” Ted said, looking down again. “Rebecca M. Black.”

“That’s me!” they shouted in unison. “What?? Ohhh, hell no!”

“I’m Rebecca M. Black.”

“So am I! I’m Rebecca Mary Black.”

“No freaking way! I’m Rebecca Mary Black.”

“Seriously?? Well, I’m Rebecca Mary K. Black!”

“So am I! The K stands for ‘Kay.’”

“Whaaat??!”

“Well, what does yours stand for?!”

“Kate, ha! I’m Rebecca Mary Kate Black.”

“Ok, look!” LJ finally cut in, holding their papers up in each hand. “You each put your names as ‘Rebecca Mary K. Black.’” Jerry elbowed her in disbelief, but she waved him away again. “So we can’t know by what the K stands for.”

“Oh, great!” they once again yelled in unison. Sally had come out to see the commotion, and now spoke up.

“Well, you’ll have to go by date of birth,” she said.

“I’m not supposed to say a patient’s date of birth here,” Ted protested as his hands started shaking.

“C’mon,” the brunette demanded. “Cut the crap!”

“Ok,” he said apprehensively. He looked down and now had trouble making out the small print. His movements didn’t help. This is why he couldn’t cut it at the hospital, Gerry thought. “Well… It’s June uh… June….”

“Ha, that’s me!” they once again declared together. They both screamed and pulled at their hair. The brunette fell to her knees.

“You were born in June too?!”

“Yeah, mid-June.”

“No, no, no! So was I.” Ted’s head fell into his hands. LJ had already left the reception desk and was hastily crossing the room.

“Ok, ok,” she said, taking the clipboard from him. “It’s… um… June 16th.” She braced for another clash, but this time it didn’t come. “Oh, ok. Yeah, June 16th, 2013.”

The brunette sighed when the blonde one didn’t push back. “Ok, wow. That is me,” she said.

“Yeah,” the blonde one said disappointingly. “I guess I’m literally 2 days older than you too.”

“Ohh…Kay,” Ted said after a silent moment. “Now that that’s finally settled… come with me, Reb… uhh, this Rebecca.” He walked away with the brunette and the blonde Rebecca sat back down. The other girl and boy stared at her, mouths agape.

“So…” Jerry began as LJ joined him behind the desk again. “How —?”

“Don’t ask, ok?” she begged.

“Ok, but how… I mean, why… would they both be named Rebecca — whatever — Black?” he asked.

“Well,” she said. “There was a one-hit wonder pop star that year —“

“Ok, nevermind,” he cut her off. “Sorry I asked.”