Telephone

I was sick for several days. I texted him every morning and night. Good morning, I’d text him. Good night, I’d text him.

He didn’t know how those consistent things we did meant more to me than the sun rising, more than my first morning sip of coffee, more than the moon rising.

I had to call him today. I missed his face, which feels so weird to admit. So I need his voice at least. We work at the same place. Smiling Friends. Pim started joking saying he was my work husband. Whatever the fuck that means.

Allan was my friend. My homie. My bro.

I texted him that I wanted to talk on his lunch break. Within a few minutes, he called.

“You still can’t come into work?” He said with a sigh.

“I got Covid. Can’t come into work for another week,” I say, low-key bursting inside. He called me immediately. “How’d you.. did you take an early lunch, man?”

Allan makes an affirmative mmmhmm sound.

God I feel weird that I use any excuse to talk to him. It’s addictive. He’s addictive to me. Worse than alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, anything.

I know my dopamine levels are high when I’m around him, because I feel some sort of high, like a pure adrenaline rush.

“Mmmhmm?” I answer back.

“Mmhmm, hmmm?” He answers. I laugh.

“Hmmm, mhmm, hmm!” I answer.

He laughs now, “Charlie, you’re fucking around too much. Are you even really sick?”

“Why? Do you like when I fuck around?” I blurt out. I can’t help it. I can’t shelter my own thoughts around him anymore.

There was a brief silence on the other end. I can hear him breathing but he isn’t sayin anything. Damn. I know he texted me that I looked cute when I drank the coffee he bought me. Am I misreading things? Damn it. I fucked up. I fu—

“Yeah. Kinda. It’s kinda funny. Kinda…” his voice almost gets too soft. Like sultry. Like those sex phone lines. But this isn’t a sex phone line. It’s Allan. My homie.

“It’s kinda… like I want to egg you on so you can keep fucking around,” Allan whispers.

“Huh? What?” I don’t actually need him to clarify. I just didn’t have any thought processing time to complete a normal sentence.

“Charlie, do you want me to come over?”

Bro’s voice sounded more and more flirty. I couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit nervous and anxious. And a bit turned on. Maybe? I am so stupid at reading signals.

“Um, what? Allan, I’m sick, dude. When I’m all cleared, we can hang out.”

“I can bring you anything you want. Something to eat? Drink? Stuff like that,” Allan offers.

“That’s so sweet, Allan. But I’m too nauseous. Thanks though, man.”

“Come on Charlie. I don’t care if I get sick. I..” I hear him made a clearing throat sound. “Charlie.”

I feel my breath hitch as he keeps repeating my name.

“Charlie,” he says in this wistful voice.

“Allan?” I say back, gripping my phone so hard I know my knuckles are white.

“Charlie, Charlie, Charlie,” he says in a playful tone.

I bit my lip. God, what is this? Why is this making me hot all over? I don’t even have a fever.

“Allan..” I cough, then I just let it out.

“Allan, Allan, Allan, Allan… oh, Allan…” I didn’t mean the last part to come out. I hear a strange squeak from his side. I’m about to apologize but he starts to speak.

He takes in a deep breath. “Charlie, Char-liiie, Charlie … oh, Charlie…”

What the fuck is happening!?? I’m freaking out here!! Why?????

But I want more. So much more. It’s not enough even if I had it all. And I don’t even know what “it all” means but I want it. I want it.

I want…

“Your voice is really loud. It makes my silent insides very uncomfortable. Do you think I should go to the doctor too?” He asks. I chuckle.

“You’re not sick, bro. It’s… I think that I may interrupt your nervous system. Or maybe I cause you to panic? I hope not, because… I… I know I’m a little.. I am bit too much sometimes. Sorry. Sorry for that, dude…” I ramble, feeling dizzy so I lay on the bed.

“Don’t worry, Charlie. It’s not a bad thing. Don’t apologize. You… you’re not too much. That’s not what I meant.”

“Well, what did you mean?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“Dude, honestly, if this is not something you want please be honest…” I start to say and he interrupts.

“I think it means my body reacts to your voice. It makes me come alive. I’m not used to it. But it happens. Your voice is my alarm clock, Charlie.”

“Fuck. You’re joking, Allan.”

“I don’t joke like that. Especially not to you, Charlie.” The sincerity of his speech makes my heart flutter.

“Oh. Wow. Well, thank you. I feel the same way.”

“I make you feel alive?” He asks.

I laugh. “I’m, uh… I think so?”

Allan laughs. “You’re not very good at talking about your feelings are you?”

“Way to make my biggest insecurity sound so easy to fix out loud. I mean, sure, if we as people could just immediately fix our emotional problems without all the stress and anxiety… I’d do that in a heartbreak… I mean heartbeat…” I say in a fast way, feeling heart travel up my neck.

“Oh, Charlie. Everything about you is so sincere that nothing is never missing with you. Your words may not sound pretty or profound but you have this wonderful way of expressing yourself. I really… I respond well to it.”

I grin, sighing softly. “Uh… wow. Thanks man. That’s literally the nicest compliment I ever received. Fuck, that’s sweet, thank you, Allan.”

“I used to think you didn’t care about anything. You always acted so carefree. Cool and chill. But I see your heart. It’s not on your sleeve. It’s written on your face. I don’t think most people have that,” Allan continues to say.

“You got that too. You act so calm and have that breathy, monotone voice. Bro, sometimes I wonder if you even like me. But, I see you… the way you freak out over things. You show up. You don’t use words. You just show up. That’s rare, you know. People just like to lie. You never lie, Allan.”

“Oh man, Charlie.. that’s… well, you… you just made me smile.”

“Same here, man. Same here,” I say softly.

“I don’t want to get off the phone with you, Charlie.”

“I… don’t want you to get off the phone either, Allan.”

“Did… uh? Did… this is gonna sound weird but did I overhear Pim saying that I was your work husband?” Allan laughs nervously.

“Oh, uh, yeah. I guess. Pim loves to dog on me.”

“What’s that mean though?”

“Who knows? Pim has weird action phrases. He says things and I don’t know what to say half the time.”

Allan laughs. “He’s a very nice guy but I never seen someone that loved their job more than he does.”

“He legit loves to work. He lives to make people smile. It’s like.. his calling. Or some shit,” I explain.

“What’s your calling?”

“Um, I don’t know.”

“Yeah you do. Charlie tell me.”

“I wanna be … I wanna change shit. Make it better. Help people. I.. used to be kinda aimless. Lazy. Dumb as dirt. I didn’t think I’d ever do anything but party and get with random chicks. But yeah I met Pim and he helped me. He motivated my dumb ass. Saved my life, kinda,” I gush. I wasn’t sure why I was just sharing this private shit with Allan but I felt like I needed him to know. I trusted him. We’ve been talking every day for weeks. It’s felt like an eternity.

“So you wanna help people?” Allan says in this passionate voice.

“Uh, yeah. I do. You?”

“I do too.”

“You wanna help others?”

“Yeah I just said that Charlie,” he says in a straight tone.

“Cool. Cool. Very cool Allan.”

“Thanks Charlie.”

“Is your lunch over yet? I think we’ve been on this call for forty five minutes…”

“I don’t care. I…” Allan sighs. “You asked me to call you. I had to do it. I’ll stay on the phone with you. Do you want me to stay?”

I take in a deep breath.

He takes in a deep breath.

“Yeah, man. I want you to stay,” I say, trying so hard to stay casual. This is burning me alive.

“Then, I’ll stay.”