Survivor’s Refuge

These are the ramblings of a horribly mentally scarred survivor of family violence and sexual assault…, retriggered. Now a mental prisoner. If this is a trigger … Don’t read. You were warned.

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Keys? Yes! I hear them…

Jingle, jangle, snick …

I can see them there…Dangling,

Hanging there …

Like a rotting corpse left on the gallows

Hanging on a belt loop…

Teasing me …

STOP with that rictus…

That wickedly grinning skull face …

That evil, leering grin…

Just like Dad’s …

That grin ….

That awful rendition of a soothing smile…

That wheedling voice …

Tempo rising…

Rising to vibrato …

Then to an angry baritone…

NO! Please…

Please… don’t hit me… I’ll do anything…

Whirrrrr…

Thud ….

Please don’t …

Please just pull your pants back up …

NO! ….

NO!

p l e a s e ….

Okay,,,

I’ll be goo …. ….

Scrabble …

Knees … scraping … bleeding

Scrabble … claw … rend …

Why are my fingers bleeding?

What happened to my nails?

My face?

The door?

… Get rid of the evidence …

Can’t let him know I tried to get out …

Lick it up.

Swallow the evidence. QUICK!

What? Say that louder …

SPEAK UP!

The door?

The locked door…

No!

Don’t open … Just don’t…

Nothing good ever comes through …

I’m sorry Daddy …

I didn’t mean it …

Keys? Clank… clack …

Whisper of metal …

YES! … no … Why?

Please! Just open my mind..

Open the rusted iron door

This prison

This horrific hellhole …

This hidey hole

Refuge

Safety …

I’ll do anything …

Anything, I swear…

Why do you have keys?

Why am I unable to breathe freely?

You have the power

The kingdom of reality is your fiefdom…

Air… sweet, clean …

Wind blown hair

Blue sky … Sun

Clouds …

Floating above ..

Airborne Steampunk Dreadnoughts …

Cannons! Gunpowder! CRACK!!!!

STORMS! Thunder … Lightning…

CRACK!

NOOOOOOOOOO!!! STOOOOOOPPPPPPP !

Please.. Dear God…

Just open this damned door.

Wait… What… NO!

I refuse to listen

YOU ARE NOT REAL!

Slit my wrists?

Lick the coppery crimson floods?

Feed 0n arterial gourmet bounty…

Drink of the flowing river …

Red… Crimson … Beauty … Wonder…

I wonder … what? …

I don’t know… I don’t care….

SHUT UP!

…. …. whimper … …

Why are my hands over my ears?

C L O S E Y O U R E Y E S

Don’t look…

Don’t Listen …

What?

Join you in the true freedom?

Where there are no chains…

No shackles…

No locked doors?

No Daddy?

Wait… he’s … it’s … deafening

No, he’s dead … not deafening…

That bastard is dead….

So why is he still here?

Why do I hear him?

Grunting… Whispering … flesh smacking …

Yes Daddy… I’m good .. I swear …

STOP STARING AT ME!

I WILL NOT!

I WILL NO…!

I … will …

I WILL!

Please unlock this door in my mind…

Release my psyche …

Just LET ME GO!!!!

Please don’t …

Please …

Just … pleeeeeassssee….

What was that?

What’s on my neck?

N OOOOOOOOO!!!! …, wait …

It’s a jacket …

It’s not Daddy …

It’s just a jacket … on a hanger …

In the darkness of this closet …

Hanging like my fragile scarred sanity

Holding on by the skin of my bloody, smeared teeth …

Slipping … knotted noose slick with arterial warmth

AIR ! ! Must get …. Air …

Keys><NO …

Lock the door…

This dark corner … shrouded …

Festooned with wispy cobwebs of fragile pain …

Here I am …

Here .. I’ll stay …

Where it’s safe …

Here in my private refuge room

Where nobody has entered in years…

The room I built years ago…

Unused since his murd…. Passing…

Unnecessary … until …

Twenty years of neglect …

This refuge room … My mental panic space

Carved from my psyche

A crawl space in the dim corners…

Forgotten … Dusty… musty …

Until now …

Until You …

“Honey?! I’m home.”

Noooooo….