Super Store!
Your one stop shop for all your Super Hero-ing needs!
Welcome to the Super Store™ catalogue! Here you will find a broad range of super hero equipment and gadgets that will more than satisfy your need to deal a double whammy of justice to your local bad guys!
Each piece of crime fighting equipment in this catalogue carries a lifetime guarantee! (*Note- in this line of work that generally means about 4-6 months.) So should it fail to meet your standards just return it for a full refund.
For this month only with every purchase we will throw in a free superhero taunt book. Never again will you be faced with the mastermind of evil and not have the perfect comeback. Famous taunts include, “You’ll never get away with this (insert name here)! Your dastardly denizens of destruction will be decimated by this debonair do-gooder!” and, “Give it up (insert name here)! Your brash stash of cash and miss-mash gutter trash balderdash will crash in a flash when I bash you with one smash of my mighty (insert weapon name here)!” and many many more!
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Dear Mr Smith,
Congratulations on purchasing Captain Amazing’s Proton Jet Pack™! This jet pack is guaranteed to let you fly like an eagle over the heads of any villains you happen to be chasing in your area. No villain will be able to outrun you as you zip along at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour! Controlling it is a breeze, just speak the commands and the jetpack will instantly obey you. We trust this pack will be an invaluable aid in your super hero endeavours.
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Dear Mr Smith,
We regret that you have returned the Captain Amazing’s Proton Jet Pack™ after just one week of use. We understand that you think the one we sent you was faulty when you found that the pack would not respond to voice commands when, while flying and taunting the bad guys, you had so many insects fly into your mouth that every voice command was interrupted by the words, “Yuck!”, “Erch,” and “So gross!”.
We do advise you that after inspection of the pack that you returned we could find nothing wrong with the safety harness that you mentioned. It could be that the harnesses buckle attachment was not sufficiently tightened after donning the pack, this could have led to the experience you described of the pack stopping instantly on command and yourself continuing through the air for several miles.
We return enclosed your full purchase price and hope you will not hesitate to shop with us again.
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Dear Mr Smith,
Congratulations on purchasing Electro Man’s Electro-static Gauntlets™! Fight crime with the power of electricity! No longer will you be beholden to those villains carrying guns, now you have the power of lightning in your very hands. Direct a devastating electric charge with just a flick of your finger, disable henchmen literally with a snap, and clear a room with a wave of your hand. Now you will always be the brightest person in any room!
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Dear Mr Smith,
We regret that you have returned the Electro Man’s Electro-Static Gauntlets™ after less than a week of use. We understand that during your first practice session with the gloves you managed to short out the power grid and wipe the hard drive of every single computer within an eighteen block radius. As you guessed that was indeed the electromagnetic pulse feature. Well done for finding that so quickly sir!
We do apologise for the wording on the product’s primer sheet. Even though we did state that “No longer will you be beholden to those villains carrying guns,” that did not actually mean that the gloves make you bullet proof. We do hope the chest wound is healing nicely.
Lastly we do not take responsibility for the product of it is not used within proper safety parameters. Each pair of gauntlets has included with them the custom fit Electro Man Full Body Rubber Suit™ which needs to be worn whenever the gloves are used. While we realise that the rubber suit gets very hot and you think you look like “a hideously revolting repulsive freak” while wearing it, it will in fact protect you from any minor electrical feedback, as we are sure you have noticed. In the meantime we do hope all your hair grows back soon.
We return enclosed your full purchase price and hope you will not hesitate to shop with us again.
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Dear Mr Smith,
Congratulations on purchasing Metal Warrior’s Powered Body Armour™. This is the latest release in the line of full action superhero gear and is guaranteed to protect you from all forms of enemy fire (up to an antitank missile). The armour comes fully equipped with lasers, jet boots, night vision helmet, shock absorbing joints, and reinforced titanium shielding. This is the epitome of a personalised armoured fighting machine. Now the bad guys will truly tremble when they see you coming! In addition each Metal Warrior’s Powered Body Armour™ comes with its very own remote control! Controlling the suit is child’s play. Now you don’t even have to be inside the armour to use it to its full capacity. The remote control takes the hurt to the bad guys but keeps you safely out of the way!
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Dear Mr Smith,
We regret that you have returned the Metal Warrior’s Powered Body Armour™ after just one week of use. The armour is a heavy duty piece of equipment and having all the features going at once will tend to expend the maximum amount of power which may, as in your case, lead to the suit totally shutting down in the middle of a battle and leaving you, in your words “trapped standing up and unable to move in a titanium coffin”, while the bad guys slowly pushed you over and then painted obscene drawings all over you. We do appreciate the pictures you sent us though, everyone in the office found them very interesting.
The remote control is a new feature that has been added recently. We do realise that it looks very much like a modern smart phone. It was designed that way so that is easy and familiar to handle and doesn’t look out of place if suddenly revealed to others while the owner is in their civilian identity. We were not aware that your 10 year old son also possesses a cell phone of a very similar size and colour and that they could get mistaken for each other. Although the fact that he was able to activate the armour, fly it to his school and destroy the principal’s office really does illustrate that we were correct when we said that controlling the armour was ‘child’s play’.
We return enclosed your full purchase price and hope you will not hesitate to shop with us again.
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Dear Mr Smith,
Congratulations in purchasing Doctor Heinous’s book, “How to Become a Super Villain in 10 Easy Steps.”™ We trust it will provide you with hours of informative reading as you plan your new career.
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