Spaceship of Mistaken Identity

He bolted into the dining room, saturated in a metallic grey slime resemblant of adamantine. Zolo, my best friend since childhood, never avoided getting himself into wild shenanigans. Often putting himself in some sticky situations, yet I had never seen such a look of alarm upon his face. I put down the rag I had been using to clean up the mess of guacamole that the child of a customer had decided to utilize as paint, the table his canvas.

“Oh hell Zim, you’ll never believe what’s happened.” His breathing was labored, his lips pale as if he’d spent the night in the walk-in freezer. I did a quick glance around the establishment, two women who were nearly done with their burritos laughing in one corner, a group of rowdy men smashing pints of beer on the opposite end.

“Zolo, I told you. You can’t just keep barging into my work like this. I am busy.”

“I would hardly call this busy, maybe busy eating some of those mondo burritos in the back.” He smacked my stomach. “But listen when you hear what’s happening, even a job where you can eat the biggest burritos in the city won’t matter anymore.”

My eyes widened. “I am listening.”

“I was nearly abducted by aliens.”

“Geez Zolo, I don’t have time for this.” I began to walk away.

“I’m not kidding”. He stopped me. His face plastered with a seriousness I infrequently saw. “They came into my room, grey purplish men with enormous heads that housed black nefarious eyes. They held long rods that seemed to have a never-ending supply of electricity. I had been enjoying a slice of the most delicious chocolate cake when I was interrupted by the sound of my lava lamp crashing onto the ground. There were flashes of light and figures began advancing towards-”

“Um excuse me. I’d like to put an order in, if that’s possible.” A plump women stood with her hand on her hip, a look of annoyance displayed on her face.

“I’m sorry ma’am.” Hopping behind the counter I quickly put in her order of a double mondo grilled burrito with extra cheese and two slices of churro cake. When I turned around Zolo had vanished into thin air.

“Zolo” I roared. Had his story not been a prank? Had these aliens gotten to him in the few minutes I had been preoccupied? I rushed outside to see him staring at the darkening sky. “What the-”

“They’re coming”. He turned towards me. “They are angry and want to take over our planet.”

“How do you know? And why are they angry?”

“I don’t know. They said something about how we stole from them or made a mockery. I am not sure but we need to find Slappin Soogie.”

“Who?”

“Man, we don’t have time for a hundred questions. The girl at the arcade told me about David at the farmer’s market who might be able to help. Well, I went to see him and he just gave me Slappin’s name. Said if I find him, he’ll know how we can send these aliens back to their side of the universe. He also gave me a mean kombucha sample-”

“Is someone working on my food?” The rotund woman slammed the front door, scowling at them. Suddenly, a beam of violet light flashed down, sucking the woman up into a silvery UFO.

“Oh my…” I gasped in disbelief.

“We need to go!” Zolo grabbed my arm propelling me away from the petrifying scene.

*

A half hour later we were downtown, walking around aimlessly as rain began to pummel down.

“How’d you get away from them?”

“I don’t know. I was just sitting there with my fork in my hand, trying to finish off the rest of my cake before they got me. Something must have spooked them because all of a sudden they just bolted out of there.”

I shook my head in bewilderment. “Well, we can’t just hope we run into this guy. If you have no more information on this Slappin, then it seems we’re just screwed.”

“Calm down Zim. We just need to look for clues.”

“Clues? What the hell-”

“Look. There is an UFO with a dagger through it painted on that alley wall.”

I cocked my head in an attempt to perceive such an image in the chaos of bright colors. I only saw poorly done graffiti that looked more like a donut with perhaps a straw beside it.

“Come on.” Zolo urged as he hurried towards it.

We slid into an open door that led to a decrepit staircase, the aroma of skunk and incense permeating the air.

“I’m not sure this is a good idea.” I whispered. Zolo put his hand out to silence me. Turning the corner we walked into a hazy room, the walls covered with vivid tapestries, peeling magazine pages, and faded newspaper clippings. A figure moved in the corner startling me. He bore a long-dreaded beard that matched his unkept hair. A bronze robe and several necklaces bearing foreign symbols glimmered in the dim light. He roared, “Who enters my abode?”

“Uh… I’m Zolo and this is Zim. We were sent by David.”

“Who the hell is David?” He arose from his paisley couch and squinted at the pair.

“He sells kombucha at the farmers market.”

“Oh, David. Man makes some mean booch. How is it I can be of assistance today?”

“Well, we have a crazy problem that we were told you’d know the solution to.”

“Ahh let me guess, werewolf problems? Just put some bleach mixed with colloidal silver around your windows and doors on a full moon. That will keep those hairy fools out for good.”

“Not werewolves, we-”

“Massive cockroaches? Simple, just make an ajax barrier around your house and sprinkle a bit in your hair before bed. Don’t want to wake up with one of them uglies in your doo.”

“Actually-”

“Ohhh oh oh, I know. An angry tooth fairy. Well, that’s an easy fix-”

“Stop, just stop it.” I interjected. “We are on limited time. There are aliens in our city right now. They visited Zolo in his room earlier. I saw their ship. They abducted a lady right in front of us.”

Soogie rubbed his chin. “Where exactly did this abduction take place?”

“Mondo Burrito.”

“Oh yeah, that place down by the Needle? With the sick burritos that are advertised to be the size of a baby?”

“Yeah, that’s the place.”

“Let’s go down there”. He rubbed his stomach. “To show me where the incident took place.”

“Well, how are we supposed to defeat these aliens? What if they’re still around there?”

“Right”. He sat back down and nodded his head as if in a thinking trance. “Tell me this, were they grey or green aliens?"

“They were purplish man,” Zolo replied.

“Say what?” He smiled and began to laugh, before slapping his thighs. “No worries to be had. Those are just Veothazos.”

“Veothazos?”

“Yeah man. Veothazos.”

“Well how do we get rid of them?”

“Chocolate.”

“Excuse me?”

“They are deathly allergic to chocolate, we just got to get us a good supply.”

“You can’t be serious?” Soogie nodded, leaning back casually on the couch with a satisfied grin. “Zolo let’s just get out of here, this was a complete waste of time. This guy has no idea what he is talking about.”

*

I locked the glass front door before proceeding to tidy up the place. Zolo sat at one of the dining room tables clutching an energy drink, adamantly refusing to split up. I ran my rag over a few dingy spots to polish things off as I ran the final dishes. I always did high-quality closes, leaving the place in top-notch condition.

Zolo ran into the kitchen. “Zim I heard something outside.”

“I’ve had enough for tonight.” I sighed.

“What? The aliens aren’t just going to disappear.”

“There are no aliens.”

“Are you kidding me? You saw the ship. You saw them abduct someone. They were in my room. How can you to deny that now?”

“I don’t know what I saw. All I know is I almost lost my job, ran around the city like an idiot and have nothing to-”

A pulsating energy masticated throughout the air, drowning out our voices. Noxious flashes of light filled the restaurant to the crux of causing dizziness and disorientation. Zolo jumped up and ran to the back of the kitchen. I hissed, “Where are you going?”

A gaggle of metallic reedy men manifested, spotting me crouched under the salad station. I felt sweat drip from my brow as they neared. Their massive boundless eyes emotionless and unwavering. A pointy arm reached down just inches from my face before Zolo jumped out of the walk-in fridge.

“Take this Veothazos.” Zolo shouted as he enthusiastically flung around two squirt bottles filled with chocolate sauce. Chocolate flung around the room frenziedly, finding its way onto the counters, floor, and ceiling. A few of the aliens started to shriek and grimace, their strength and swiftness dwindling.

“YEAH.” Zolo squirted a direct hit into an injured alien’s eye, causing it to swell up and close. It almost seemed as if we had a fighting chance against them, until the chocolate ran dry. Zolo uselessly squeezed at the empty bottles, the unharmed aliens soon coming to realize our predicament. “Dude tell me there’s more chocolate somewhere.”

“We only use that stuff to drizzle on the churro cake. One bottle usually lasts a month.”

“Oh crap.” The aliens inched nearer, their aggravation amplified, electro rods at the ready. “Why are you doing this?” Zolo bellowed. The aliens’ voices swirled into our minds as they began to communicate with us telepathically.

We came here to retrieve a stolen ship. You took it from us and display it for all of your city to see. It is a mockery and an attack that we will not let go unpunished.

“What stolen ship? We don’t know anything about that. This has nothing to do with us.”

Deceiver, you shall pay. You visited the ship last weekend, became inebriated, and disgraced the interior.

“Wait a minute. Are you talking about the Space Needle?”

That is what you refer to it as, yes.

“That’s not a stolen ship bro, some dude built it for some fair a long time ago.”

The aliens looked at one another, their eyes blinking rapidly. The sound of breaking glass diverted all of our eyes. Soogie burst through the swinging kitchen door, wielding an industrial sized squirt gun that he immediately began pumping.

“TAKE THAT CHOCOLATE MILK PUNKS.” The aliens hissed and writhed underneath the cascade of chocolatey liquid assailing them. One alien crawled underneath the dishwasher lodging himself in the corner.”

“I don’t think so.” Soogie threw down his now empty weapon and slid across the floor. He withdrew two jumbo size baking bars of chocolate from his pockets and began to slap the alien ferociously. Zolo and I stood observing the ridiculous skirmish taking place. “They don’t call me Slappin for nothing.” He threw down what was left of the fragmented chocolate and rubbed his hands together, the alien now a silent heap on the floor.

“Wow, thanks for coming,” Zolo exclaimed.

“I figured you might need my help.” He smirked at me.

Surveying the destruction that had been done, I decided it would be easier to find a new job than attempt to clean up the disaster. Getting into my car I discovered a putrid grey slime drenching the interior, the same stuff Zolo had been covered with.

“What the hell is this stuff?”

“Alien spew.” Zolo grimaced.

“Oh my-”

A knocking on the foggy driver side window made us jump. I rolled down the window upon the realization that it was Slappin.

He licked his lips. “Hey man, do you think you could whip me up one of those mondo burritos?”