So you want to survive the apocalypse?

WELCOME TO DOOM!!!!!!!!

Section 1

If you are reading this then you have survived the apocalypse. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

Take a moment and realize that you did what you could….and survived! Not many have.

In fact I have compiled a checklist of those who you knew. This was their outcome:

• Family….DEAD
• Boss/Co-workers…..Dead
• Annoying neighbor kid…..Dead
• Solicitors…..Dead

EVERYONE YOU KNEW…..Dead (Unless they aren't. In which case…. See rule 2)

In the meantime, I want you to take a moment to pat yourself on the back for a job well done. You outsmarted the apocalypse by using your wits, agility and knowhow…….oooor you just happened to luck out and survive by coincidence….Either way, give yourself a pat on the back. Unless you do not have any hands, or arms, to do so. In that case, go to the nearest wall and lean back into it a few times. It is as though someone is waiting to congratulate you on a job well done.

I assume that you are new to this whole dystopia thing. Do not be afraid. Realize that it is more afraid of you than you are of it. If you follow the simple rules that are laid out, then you too, will thrive in the WORLD OF TOMORROW…..Today!

It will seem a little overwhelming at first. If you feel it is too much, or decide that you can make it on your own; then disregard this completely and go on your merry way. The creatures, chemical warfare, looters and pillagers will be more than happy to help you out….or kill you on site. We suggest browsing through this handy strategy guide to give you little pointers.

The first step is thinking of a famous person who you admire. It doesn't even have to be a famous person. Just someone who you admire, and visualize them reading this to you. People tend to follow instructions when it's from someone they love, or admire, or tolerate on the weekends .

I shall give you a moment to find that voice. Once you have, we shall begin with the first rule of survival….

1. Fear everything until you become numb

It's going to be a scary experience for you. I mean, you are stepping out for the first time into the unknown. Think of it like your first day of school, or first job. It is just like that, but with things and people doing whatever they can in order to survive…..

Sooo, maybe not like school or the job. More like pure and utter chaos that is wrapped in hell and damnation, with a little gleam of hope………blocked of by a giant bouncer of fear, loathing and unmentionable terror. Knowing this, realize that it is okay to be afraid.

We all were in the beginning. In fact, there are some people who are still terrified to leave their current situation. Those people are also about to be devoured by their fear. If you don't explore, you will not survive. You might survive for a day, a week, or even a month. Once you have run out of things to survive on, WHAT WILL YOU DO?!

Become numb to it. Realize that everything in the new world is out to eliminate you:

• Your family
• Friends
• Well wishers
• Rivals
• Animals and creatures that are unexplained
• Your cat (Especially your cat)

Baby steps is the way to go. Start by moving from one room to another. While moving around, take note of everything you see and hear…

- That sound you hear…FEAR IT!

- That lamp that is out of place…FEAR IT!

Be so afraid of everything that you will eventually fear nothing...That is when you know you can handle the wasteland of tomorrow…..today.

If you are not killed in the process, celebrate that success and continue to something a little more out of your comfort zone. Do this every day and you will be an explorer in no time. Just don't get too numb….many people get cocky…..and then eaten…….. More on that later.

2. Your friends are your enemies. Your enemies are your SUPER ENEMIES!

Pre-apocalypse I bet you were quite the socialite. You went to many parties, had gatherings. Spent time with your immediate and extended family. Take a moment to remember those good times. Those good times are going to be the thing that will be your doom. "But I am close with my family. They would never hurt me" you say to yourself.

"Wouldn't we survive longer if we stay together?"

The answer is a simple "NO!"

At first, it will seem fine. You all get together to salvage what you can. Spend every precious moment together remembering the good times…..STOP IT!!!!

Those moments will get you killed. Everyone loves everyone else….until it comes to the time of who is going to outlast who. Suddenly you realize that your friends weren't always the greatest listeners. Your siblings used to torment you for their own amusement. or grandma/grandpa forgot about you a few times….these moments will pop up more and more while you try and outrun everyone else. Don't feel bad if Grandma trips and gets attacked instead of you. I mean, she has experienced more of life than you did.

(Side note: If you are a grandmother, or grandfather reading this; disregard the information above. Your family loves you and would not see any harm come to you. Because of you, they exist)

If you are reading this and realize that you disassociated from your family and friends altogether , then you have an advantage. You don't have to worry about others turning their backs on you to feed you to OOGNAR….Creature of the seven OOBLURGS. (See section 4: Creatures that you never knew would exist)

Hopefully you have made friends with a furry dog companions. A dog will not judge you, but help you in need.

"What if I don't have a dog, but instead another animal?" you ask.

The following pets will make lousy companions:

• Cats
• Rabbits
• Snakes
• Hedgehogs
• Rocks (It was a 1970s thing)
• And most of all…FISH

If you made many enemies before the world turned to shambles….and they survived. Know that one of two outcomes can happen:

A - Your enemy realizes that there is more important things to focus on then your squabble

OR

B - Your enemy can hold on to a grudge for a while. So watch your back, and front, and side.

They have now become your super enemy. They want you out of their world and will do what they can to survive. Try to avoid them at all cost. Unless you cannot. In that case… GOOD LUCK

3. Distopi -uhh?

Remember going to the mall on that one Saturday to do some browsing? You decided to stop and get some food. It was soo good that you wanted more…..

Hate to tell you this, but your favorite mall is in shambles. That restaurant is now home to toxic creatures, or to humans that read this and want to survive as long as they can. Welcome to the future.....kinda sucks. Doesn't it All the things that you remember are gone. The end of the world will do that, you know. Long story short…

Welcome to the dystopia of doom…..or mild discomfort.

Objects that that you remember seeing are now armor or weapons that can be used for, or, against you. It all depends how creative you are.

• Remember those blue skies?
• The waters so clean that you could swim in them?
• Vehicles that brought you from point A to point B?

They are also gone.

• The sky is now permanently cloudy and dark
• The waters will mutate, or kill you
• Vehicles……..are still around. They are just useless to travel in

The important thing is to get to know your surroundings. The more you know, the less you die.

3. Keep one thing from the past

"I should only look towards to the future and not have anything hold me back" you say to yourself.

To that I say - Keep one thing.

Things are going to get really bad…..and that is an understatement. As you read this, know that there are many who are dead, or dying. You do not want to be one of them. You will get to a point where you will not want to remember the past. It will make you enraged and jealous that it will never happen again. You might even forget who YOU ARE.

In order to stop this from happening. It is suggested that you keep at least one thing from your past on your journey. The following things are acceptable

• A photo of a pleasant memory
• Something to wear around your neck (A time piece, heart shaped locket on a chain, a shoelace with sentimental value. These are all acceptable)
• Something that a family member, or friend left to you

It does not have to be those things specifically. Just something that won't slow you down.

This concludes section 1 of the AHHHHH!!! IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT……Survival guide.

Before we get to section 2 (So if I am supposed to eat to live…what can I eat?).

Let's take a survival quiz:

1. After the world turned into a complete and utter disaster. Who do you know that survived ?

A. Your parents

B. That person who tries to copy your work

C. Remember that waiter who botched up you order????? Him

D. No one….Everyone is dead to me. If they aren't. They are just going to slow me down

2. Which pet should you bring with you on your journey?

A. Your Cat

B. That really cool iguana that you bought because you were going through a rebellious stage

C. The Urpon that you found next to the nest of OOopals

D. The only answer should be your dog, or nothing else

3. You leave your new dwelling because you heard a noise nearby. What should you do?

A. Fear it….It is going to kill you

B. Fear it….. is there any other choice?

C. None of the above

D. A and B

4. What should be something you bring with you to remember your past?

A. Your piano that you have been practicing all year to learn Free Bird on

B. A small heart shaped locket on a chain that has a picture from your past that will bring pleasant memories

C. Your five binders containing your stamp collection…I mean, eventually stamps will become a big thing…….RIIIGHT?

D. Nothing….I have no past.

If you got all 4 questions right, continue to next section. If not…..Good luck and don't get eaten in the first 10 minutes.