So Many Commemorations, So Few Days

January 19 is National Popcorn Day, National Gun Appreciation Day, and New Friends Day.

True, these are the product of self-promotion on the part of, as examples, The Popcornhusker State, PopNebraska; the gun lobby, who feels we should appreciate how guns — VERY easily — put extra holes in people; and — perhaps — your old friends who think it might be time to get some new friends.

Who has authority to make these national days? Is there a National Day Committee?

May I be so bold to, officially, under my assumed power and authority, designate other observances for today, January 19? No slouch in the self-promotion sphere, I can. Take me to court, otherwise, but wait until NATIONAL TAKE-ME-TO-COURT DAY.

NATIONAL OXYMORON DAY

Not what you think. This day celebrates a tendency for morons to gather in four pairs. There are couples who qualify as romantic and morons and, strangely enough, they seem to further couple in groupings of four couples. Most serious investigators think it has something to do with valence and empty orbital shells, of which any one oxymoron has many. When more than eight morons bond together, the whole thing, chemically, becomes unstable and decays into a mob. Think political party, movement, or even some congregations who speak for God.

NATIONAL HYPOCRISY DAY

This celebrates those who either combine Pro-choice positions while condemning capital punishment; or who are Pro-life but have no issues with capital punishment. Both quintessential liberals and conservatives, respectively, argue the day belongs to them.

NATIONAL KICK SOMEONE'S ASS DAY

You've seen those handwritten stickies on people's backs saying, "KICK ME!" That gives permission to kick someone's ass at any time. (Hey, who hasn't, right?) But on this day, you don't need a note. You don't need permission. There are those who sorely need that podiatric reminder: it is usually an emergency. Do it right and do it hard.

NATIONAL "I FORGOT" DAY

Get away with anything today. When called on it, simply offer, "I forgot." It's easier to be labeled stupid than to face justice.

And don't forget tomorrow — NATIONAL "TOMORROW'S TODAY" DAY. Bend your space-time reality, but do it yesterday.