So Close, But Still So Far

"Shouldn't you give me context so I know what the heck is going on? You've done this millions of times and expect me to get the hang of it right away? I'm flattered, but to let you down easy, that's impossible."

Carmine positioned us about five feet apart in the middle of his living room. When I faced straight ahead of me, I could only see his back. It must be the set up for the scene. Between me, myself, and I, it'd be a whole lot more worth it if I could see his face.

He had literally dragged me from the couch to my spot on the floor by his hands on either side of my shoulders, and I had no choice but to use my mouth to complain about it. I wouldn't stand a chance if it were to be my strength against his. It doesn't look like much, but I gave my all.

I can't let him get away with looking too perfect again. He's a professional actor whose been shooting this series for a good period of time. He's familiar with the scripts and the personalities of the characters. I, on the other hand, have seen the title of the series and the episode number that he's apparently struggling with. It was still basically glued to my hands, when I was trying to get whatever else I could out of it before I'd be put under the spotlight; his eyes.

The agency hasn't even released a trailer yet. The most I heard was the cast listing months back. Besides that, this was all new to me. Why did I think I could pull this off? And the bigger question is, why does he think I'll be of any help?

"Fine, fine. Okay. I'm not supposed to share this stuff until it's already released. Don't throw me under for this! I'm not usually the type to pull a Tom Holland." He turned his head so I could see the definition in his side profile. He's absolutely stunning, I would doubt anything that said he was less than a hundred. He deserved that. What made it better, is even though the standards are the same for everyone, something that I can't put my finger on made him less of a cardboard copy than everyone else.

Carmine Jung is Carmine Jung. There's no other way to put it and it seems right that way. "This story circles around JV Kim, my character and Joan Shin, Nica Lee's character. He's the son of a rich businessman, and she's a poor, average girl. I know, it's a typical story. Don't go off."

He decided to turn around to make eye contact with me. His explanation must've ended up taking longer to explain than he assumed. "At some part in the series, Joan forges some documents as she's told by her family, to present herself as the heir of a company overseas to help her parents with her younger sister's medical bills, so like, a fricking sugar daddy, yeah, because it becomes public news that JV's father wants him to get married of course with certain conditions to strengthen their companies. She absolutely hates him because of how the media presents him. He falls in love with her the moment he sees her. So he fights for her."

"And she ends up falling for him." I muttered. I'd absolutely watch my heart out to this show when it comes out, so I don't have room to talk about it not being new and being the same as everything else, but it's predictable and when it's the bare bones of the story, that's boring. What can I say? It's the extra stuff that makes it cutesy and too much for my dang veins.

"Of course she does. But when they're about to give it a shot, of literal boyfriend-girlfriend, he finds out of her true intentions. He initially forgives her because he met her sister himself and understood a bit, but it's forbidden by his parents because of her lie, so he tries to appear like he doesn't want their relationship. Like she's nothing to him. That's the scene we're on right now that's way too difficult I want to cry. I can't do it if my life depended on it."

"Sounds basic to me." I joked, but it tested his pride whether I meant it or not. "What's the struggle? I thought you were Carmine Jung? What's made you weak?"

"I'm not weak. This style just isn't my forte." He glared at me when he walked back to his position, like I had some sort of death wish, but once his back was turned I couldn't tell. He was making sure I didn't have any more time to make fun of him, so he wanted everything to begin. "From the top, now please? I'll be starting in three, two, one..."

He was in so character I didn't know if there's something out there that could get him out of it. The fact that he can act like an entirely different person, whatever the character might be is impressive. "What's wrong with you, Joan? Don't you know who I am? And you'd actually think that I'd fall for someone like you? I was just having fun. You're not very intelligent, are you?"

The script shook in my hands as I tried to familiarize myself with the lines I was supposed to say. We're really doing this. We're really doing this. We're really doing this. I can barely believe it. I exhaled deeply before I got into Joan's character. "Do I know who you are? You're JV Kim. The one that's been promised to me since January 9th. The one that fought for me even if he had to put his life on the line, and risk it all. The one who never said 'I love you' but showed it every time he was in front of me. The one—."

"You know that's not what I meant, Joan. Yeah, I'm JV Kim, but of one of the biggest companies in the country. Not of all your corny nonsense. You were just a fling." His character interrupted me with a harsh tone in his voice, but it croaked at the very end, and I could tell tears were streaming down his face. Joan apparently wasn't supposed to notice, but if we're being realistic here, how could she not?

"You're really saying after all we had, I'm expected to believe you when you claim it's all fake? How could you?" Anger rose throughout my entire body, I could walk on fire and it couldn't destroy me into ashes. My arms were clenched at my sides, so hard that they trembled when they skimmed my hips. The betrayal a person would feel in this situation, I wanted it to show. My whole life was and is betrayal at its finest, all because of who I am. It's not like I didn't understand.

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. That's the kind of person I am, the kind of person I've always been." He gained control back over JV's voice, and his tone was growing in carelessness and even a touch of hatred.

Carmine's phone began to ring in his pocket. It made me hesitate to go on with my line, in case he wanted to take it, but when his gestures went out of character to urge me to continue, I took that signal for what it meant.

Joan Shin grabs ahold of JV Kim's shirt, forcing him to turn around, the script read. I complied to what it asked, finding Carmine was so involved in his character, his eyes were bloodshot from crying. Somehow he still looked so good it was almost to good to be true. It hit me; what part of this is he struggling with? I couldn't tell.

"Fine." I said it in emphasis, trying to be as immersed into the character as he was. Seeing his face motivated me to give my all to this, as much as I could. "You're a brave man, JV Kim. You can take everything back like it meant nothing. Are you going to allow me to do the same thing?"

Carmine cocked his head to the side. It was such a Carmine thing to do, but it did match the character perfectly well. "What do you mean by that?" He muttered. His phone rang once again, which he for the second time, decided not to answer.

"I hate you, JV. I hate you from the bottom of my heart. With every beat my heart passes blood to my veins, I hate you with each. Do you know why?" I paused, not only because I straight up forgot the rest of my line, but it was a good place to stop and let the words stick, like I'd await an answer from him he wouldn't give. "I hate you because now every time I look up at the moon that you created as a symbol for us, I won't think about how it lights up the entire sky and comes back every time it leaves. I'll think about how it has to carry the darkness all by itself. And the moon isn't something you can run away from. You can hide for half a day, max, but it'll come back to trigger lost experiences. That's exactly what you are. That's exactly what you did."

Tears stung at my eyes when I mentioned the line, a few bad memories lingering inside my head. I didn't intend for them to trickle down, but they had a mind of its own. They were determined to paint my cheeks in sadness and make me look like the vulnerable girl I really was.

Joan places a gentle kiss on JV's lips, the next part read. I was shocked to see it, because they appeared to have already bid their goodbyes. The female character must of viewed this as the chance she never got, before it was over. She wanted to be brave one time before she left.

Carmine wasn't surprised at all. He shouldn't be. He knew it was coming millions of times when he'd stare down at Nica's eyes, and at this second he was staring down at mine. His damp face that spoke for all the tears he wiped away were full of longing for her and only her, whoever this Joan character was supposed to be. It felt like it was for me nevertheless, and like there was a light in my dark soul igniting for the first time. Butterflies revived inside of my stomach. Everything that was dead, resurrected.

That longing was just as deeply embedded in me, acting or not, I couldn't tell, and I didn't really want to. If there was something in me that wanted him for real, even one ounce, I didn't want to accept it. What I did accept is how he was centimeters away from me, in the now. The smell of fire that he'd probably hover over during his breaks on set when it got cold was stuck to his clothes, overtop of the wild smell he always wore, that could warm the coldest of nights without anything more than him alone.

This man was striking beautiful. So strikingly gorgeous that I could be offended with fair rights, and it was me, someone that was nothing special, that had the back of my hand resting at his cheek. Every move came from my body, my actions, and it was me that was chasing after him, even if it was in a character's name, and not mine.

As I neared in closer to his perfect lips, and as he prepared himself with open arms to catch what I would do with every expression on his face backing that idea up, one thing was for sure.

When Joan would come out of this kiss to ask, "did that mean everything or did that mean absolutely nothing to you?" before she'd leave him alone on the sidewalk, I felt that.

I want to ask him the same thing, and I have no idea why. Before I even actually tasted him, I already wondered what this meant to him. For some reason it hurt that I knew the answer would be nothing. Worse, I didn't have any right to be.

Kissing him, it's so close, yet so far and it's only drifting further away.