Sliding Down from my Dreams

Life often becomes a chase, a chase that you created so you can’t escape. A chase that changes your view of the past. Of an adventure that chases you down. With curiosity pushing you into doing things that you never thought were bad.

I kept jumping forward with all my strength. The muscles in my legs contracted and extended faster than my longs could give. With my bones cracking and feeling the weight of my body being pulled by gravity. My brain was paralyzed by fear and only instinct moved me through the thick clouds of desert heat. My heart pumped louder than the moving sand behind me as two rattlesnakes held my shadow. In this chaos, we froze mid-jump as the ground disappeared beneath our feet and, in a second, we began to fall.

I woke up shaking and sweating as if I had just climbed 12 pitches. But the refreshing green light coming through the pine tree canopies brought back my excitement. The awaited thought of being just a few miles away from the base of the mountain. A mountain that had been calling me since I first saw her in my dad’s magazines when I was 6. As a flashback to me sneaking out at 3 am, magazine in hand, to scramble, slide, and jump on the hospital’s abandoned buildings pretending these were glaciers. Much unaware of how delicate a glacier really is. As my mind colored with these memories, I monotonously packed my sleeping bag, put on my pants, and headed out of the tent. I took some water and gulped in a piece of bread and jelly. My partner, immersed in his own thoughts, was moving at the same pace as me. To the point that we had packed everything, like we practiced a million times, in less than two minutes. As we looked back to the camping area I heard the first words of the day - Here we go! - followed by an excited sigh. To me, it felt like I was leaving something invisible. Unaware of it yet, I was leaving an open box containing my innocence.

We walked for around six hours. Often silent, reviewing in our minds the endless possibilities of the mountain. Until, we got to a clearing. There, only a few miles away, stood the giant body of rock and ice. Leaning towards us as the clouds slid back. We froze before its majesty. Even if you can imagine and manipulate a number of more than three zeros, you won’t know its vastness until you stand at its feet. I felt like a drop of water landing in an ocean.

As we recovered our focus, we regained our pace. Although this time, with no trees to guide us, we seemed to not be moving. Only the mountain and the sun stood before us. Our shadows reaching further and further away from us. Until we finally made it to the base as the last rays of sun turned into stars and a perfect camping site became our home for the night.

Although, I was unable to sleep. A rush chased me. As if an ant was walking through my whole body and I could feel each of its legs.

We camped there for a few days as our bodies got used to the altitude and we analyzed the route. Looking for the right conditions to begin our climb. We seemed to get lucky because by the fourth day the weather looked stable. Unknowing of whether we would get another chance like this, we decided to head out. Even though, our bodies weren’t fully acclimated.

As we hiked higher and higher, attached to each other by a single rope, the vegetation started to fade. As if we were entering a different planet made of ice, rock, and wind. Our breathing also changed as the atmospheric pressure lowered. Slow and short breaths leaving our bodies with the desire to inhale more than what they could. We were breathing through mental masks as if this new planet lacked oxygen.

We got to the first vertical wall and stoped to review, prepare the ropes, cams, and other equipment. I would lead the first peach so I held the cold rock, stepped one foot, and then the other. I was detached from the floor and my whole body was engaged in defying gravity.

In a moving meditation, I climbed up. Reading each crack, bump, and dip in the wall. Unaware of the moment my body became the mountain because it seemed like I wasn’t anything without it.

Higher and higher we went, reaching a new wall and a new glacier. It seemed like the ground was too far away to ever go back. Our bodies were exhausted but it wasn’t the thought of falling nor the thought of reaching the top that kept us moving. We were stepping one limb at a time, analyzing the clouds and wind, the falling rocks and snow.

As the night approached, we started to look for a decent camping spot. We were hoping for a cave but we only found a dent of rock and snow. Which seemed to be the best we would find before it got dark. We set up the tent. Digging it deep into the ground and attaching it to whatever rocks we found. A rush of wind started to form so we were extra carful on tying the tent. I then melted some ice to drink and, as I gulped it down I could feel my throat burning from the dryness. We had been climbing in water the whole day but were unable to drink it frozen. My cold body felt some comfort in the warm water but my fingers and toes were completely numb. All I wanted to do was lay down and fall asleep but when we realized the power of the wind, we decided to take turns in guarding. I would be the first to do so.

Outside the tent, the freezing wind felt like a magic carpet that could easily pick me up. I walked around to maintain warmth but I could barely see beyond my hands. It was a new moon and fog had surrounded my body. The constant fear of walking a foot too much and falling off the edge, or losing the tent kept me awake. But the cold in my body was a constant pain that took my focus away. The hours felt like stretched-out days, unaware of their timing, they decided to stay longer than what any hour should.

By the millionth time I looked at my watch, it was finally my turn to sleep. I woke up Rave and, while he got ready to go out, I shook off as much snow as I could to go in.

Rave’s sleeping bag felt so warm that my whole body realized its numbness. I laid down, mentally unable to get up again, and fell asleep in seconds. Even though, the tent was roaring and shaking with the wind.

Glaring white light, shaking sensation, and the noise of windy snow hitting the tent.

Rave woke me up, startled by the turn that things had taken. What had started like a partially clear and windless day had become a snowstorm that threatened with dusting us off the edge of the mountain.

I got up and, in seconds, put my boots on to jump out. We held the tent with our hands and tried to take it down but it was too late. It stumbled down taking a chunk of snow with it. There was no point in trying to look for it as we could barely see our own hands.

How had things taken such a turn? What mistakes had we made throughout the day that had lead us to this point of rushing for survival? No time to think.

We located ourselves the best that we could and started to climb down in an effort to find a cave or any other shelter. I knew rave was there because I could feel him but I was unable to see or hear him. As we moved, we had the constant feeling of walking with our eyes closed on a slippery tight rope.

I felt a sudden loss, a feeling of being all alone on this harsh mountain. I had lost Rave. In a rush, I traced my steps backward, trying to figure out where he could have gone. I pointlessly crawled to be able to see further but my lenses were full of ice and the wind around me made a blinding curtain of snow.

I moved to the left screaming “Rave!” To the top of my lungs. In a blink, I slipped down a hill of snow. Stumbling and unable to distinguish between the floor and the sky. I swung my ice ax with all my strength, feeling it sink into the thick snow. My arms felt a big pull that stopped my momentum. I was hanging on the verge of a cliff. One foot moved sideways, then one arm, and slowly by slowly I was able to traverse onto a platform big enough to hold my whole body. I then crawled upwards, adrenaline being the only thing that kept me going, as my body and mind were completely drained out. I was moving without even trying to figure out where I was. Then, I saw a few rocks framing a fluorescent green cave. Like a magnet, my limbs dragged me inside this hole and I lost all sense of feeling.

I opened my eyes to a ceiling of green crystals and volcanic rock. Although dimly, the crystals emanated warming light. Probably the only reason why I didn’t freeze to death. Slowly by slowly every part of my body recovered feeling. Although my toes and fingers stayed completely numb as they were probably frozen.

I felt my armpits burning from the pull and my back and legs as if they had just been hit by a car. But the worst pain of all came all of a sudden, the pain of losing Rave. Maybe he had been able to safely get down from the mountain but something inside of me told me that he hadn’t. That I had lost my best friend to this unforgiving storm.

We had been best friends since we were 15. He shared my dreams, hopes, and desires. Not only that, but he was the best climbing partner. Moving with me in the rock as if we were two limbs in one body. He was able to read my mind in the moments when I needed to be understood the most.

With a body, heart, and mind that felt alien to me, I crawled towards the wall. But, as I touched it, I felt a wave of sudden burning anger. As if, out of nowhere, somebody had punched me with a fist of laser heat. I quickly backed away and rushed towards the exit but the wind and snow prevented me from going out. I stayed still for a minute. Thinking about where that anger could have come from. But I couldn’t identify with it. I felt every emotion from elated by the beauty of the crystals to saddened, fearful, and, disappointed by the way things had turned out. But no anger.

Unable to go out, I decided to explore deeper into the cave. I walked for about an hour in the deem green light until I reached a widening. An underground world of ice. With a lake of ice surrounded by walls of even clearer ice. Ice that seemed harder than the rock itself. It was as if I had entered a palace that reflected the light of a forest. In which the crystals were the trees and the sun at the same time, with their emanating heat and brightening light. A flashback to what seemed like years ago but had only been a couple of days; waking up surrounded by canopies of trees.

I leaned forward to touch the ice but unexpectedly slipped. Sliding down for the second time in that day. Only this time, it was a smooth gliding across miles of ice.

Just as I was thinking that I would slide on forever, I crashed onto a pile of fresh snow. Where could snow come from in the middle of a cave? Realizing my thirst, I reached for a fist of snow but was unable to separate one. I tried again but it was as if this snow could be pressed, like my body did to it when crashing, but could not be separated. I tried again and again, feeling desperation enter my body, which had already realized its thirst with this tempting snow as a constant reminder. I leaked the snow but no water would come out. I held it, hugged it, punched it and nothing. My body heat could not even melt it. I decided to look for something that could help me dig it out. I walked around this dessert of ice but could see nothing that could help me out. Suddenly, I thought about the heat of the crystals. What if they could somehow melt the snow?

I carefully crawled on this slippery surface until I reached a wall of crystals. Instantly feeling that unwelcomed anger burning through my veins. I grabbed a cam from my harness and started hitting the crystals until one popped out. I quickly grabbed it feeling a warm sensation and threw it against the pile of snow. As if it was the sharpest knife, it cut through the snow leaving a hole in its path. I couldn’t understand how it didn’t cut through my hand. It was as if its sole purpose was to only cut through this snow. I took off my sock and grabbed an even bigger crystal with it. Surprised by the fact that it didn’t burn my sock either I walked over to the pile of snow. With the crystal, I took a piece of snow. It was just like cutting through an apple. I then melted the snow onto my hand by placing it next to the crystal.

Finally drinking from it felt like the purest honey-like water had just entered my body and, in instants, rejuvenated it by melting all the pain on my throat. It is beautiful what the little things can do when you have no expectations of reward.

I had gotten to this point in the day when I could only do through my impulses and feelings, I could not act or think rationally as my physical self was exhausted. So, with a feeling of being snoozed by the elixir of life, called water, I laid down to sleep. I didn’t dream or wake up. I was completely out, like frozen in a time machine that erased every memory of those few hours.

When I finally woke up, I felt at home. Although unknowing of where I was. I stayed laying down staring at the twinkling green roof until I slowly recovered the notion of desperation. I was inside a cave that extended for miles, jailed by a snowstorm, on top of a mountain, and without anyone to turn to. I couldn’t think of any way to get to civilization but I anyways began to walk. Walking in ice is a motion that brings you forward at the same time it slides you back. But, slowly by slowly, I got the hang of sliding and so, started skating forward. I reached the narrowing exit from the ice castle. Not without looking back to stare at its beauty. As I continued to move through the cave, I started to see the glaring light of the outside world. It looked as if I had traveled back in time to the day before. When the sky was blue and the mountain clear. Afraid of going out, but more so of staying in, I stepped outside the cave. I then climbed down until I reached a glacier which I hiked through. Stopping to drink some of the flowing water. I kept climbing down. Finally reaching the ground by sunset. It felt like I had been years away from horizontal land but I had only been a few hours from it.

My son came running in. Shaking with tears. His classmates had long been teasing him for wearing old clothes and using recycled school supplies. But he had always been able to shake off their comments. It wasn’t that we were poor. Although we did struggle economically. After all, I was a biologist for the love of it not for the money. But we lived the lifestyle that we did more for consideration with the planet than anything else. We had always thought our kids to use things for as long as possible rather than throw them away when stained or scratched. We knew that we could be happier in life if we appreciated and took care of everything that it gave us.

But lately, he had been acting very strange. Worrying about what he was wearing, constantly fixing his hair, and even rushing to get early to school. Which was very unlike him.

As he ran in, dropping his bicycle and backpack by the entrance. He started to tear down at my feet as he mumbled “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I was afraid of what his next words could be. Maybe he had hit a kid or insulted a teacher but I somehow knew that that wasn’t it.

“I wanted to prove that I could be rich if I wanted and that my family was better than Aiden’s” The kid that had a rich father who profited from exploiting the soil to obtain petroleum. “I wanted Nina to like me!” Nina? Oh! That was why he was acting all weird and doubtful. He wanted the new girl’s attention. “So I took one of those pieces of never melting ice from your office and...” Everything became blurry from there, I could hear him in a very low voice as he continued to explain how the kids had snatched the ice away from him and given it to Aiden who had taken it home. An innocent slip had revealed our family secret.

I had chosen not to tell the world because, through countless experiments, I had discovered that the beautiful green crystals contained a tremendous amount of nitrous oxide. That got released into the atmosphere as soon as it touched the never-melting ice. I also discovered that this ice could only be separated and melted by these crystals. This meant, that if people wanted to obtain the ice they would have to emit a tremendous amount of greenhouse gasses. I had years of investigation piled up inside a table-size hard drive as well as samples of the crystals and the ice in my hidden office and the only ones who knew about it were my wife and kids.

I knew I should have left that cave behind and never thought about it again but my scientific curiosity became my downfall. It was all my fault, not my kids.

“Why is Niko crying?” Asked Shelly, my younger daughter.

And the only thing that came out of my head was; “Because our lives are about to change.”

We decided to lock up the door to my office, which was a very heavy moving wall decorated with all of our hands imprinted on the concrete. After which we would pretend that everything was normal and play oblivious to people’s questions.

Three days passed, and indeed everything was normal, except for Niko’s unusual muteness. Nevertheless, as I came home from work on the fourth day, the door had been forced and the bookshelves, beds, and frames turned upside down.

I rushed to my kid’s room. But then I remembered that they had gone out to swimming lessons. I was relieved in knowing that they were safe. So I headed towards my office and, as expected, the wall had been opened. They had taken all the samples but they hadn’t been able to access the hard drive. They would have needed my fingerprints to do that.

That night we couldn’t sleep, we were tormented by the idea of being chased down for a secret that could destroy humanity. By midnight, I decided to pack up two suitcases with clothes, food, and pictures. I placed them inside the car together with the hard drive and we would head out the next morning.

My kids were getting inside the car, stuffed with their favorite toys and books. My wife was helping them buckle up and I was looking back as I locked the door. A door to a house full of memories, memories of the things that we did and the things that we imagined doing, of my kid's first steps and words. A house built by our crazy ideas and DIYs. Built over a secret that we were unable to keep in spite of our good intentions.

I saw a black car approaching and instantly rushed onto the wheel. With the car’s doors still closing, I stepped on the accelerator. We moved over the sidewalk and drove past a couple of stop signs. I could see the black car through the rearview mirror and felt that sudden adrenaline that I hadn’t felt in years. Adrenaline inspired by fear and not passion. My eyes moved past our car as I avoided vehicles going in parallel directions. Until I finally reached the highway. I could feel the fear in my wife and kids as I zigzagged cars of every shape, size, and color. I had never driven so fast in my life.

When I finally thought that I had lost the black car I slowed down to normal. I started to let go of the breath that I was holding when a police car yelled its siren behind me. We pulled over to the shoulder and lowered our windows. But the policeman wasn’t coming. He was talking to somebody through his car. I felt a rush to run as I saw the black car approaching. Pressing one more time on the accelerator I rejoined the highway. This time taking the first exit which lead me through a park and onto a bridge. I told my kids and wife to get out of the car.

“No dad please don’t!” I heard. They were probably thinking that I would go down with the car. But my wife, reading my mind, like Rave used to do, handed me a suitcase. I got out of the car placed the suitcase on the accelerator and stared as the car drove out. Turning as it slid down in what seemed like slow motion, reflecting a green light through the windows. This time it wasn’t me sliding down it was simply a car splashing onto the water that swallowed it into oblivion.