Silk and Steel

Light; red, glowing behind closed eyelids. I'm rocking like a baby.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

Pain; piercing, white, running from the base of my brainstem up and expanding.

It’s wrapping over the top of my skull like the cold hand of a skeleton.

It reminds me I am alive…I think.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

I'm awake and dreaming. Caught in the suspended place between two realms. My mind an echoey warehouse, time a construct I left back on earth.

Back where I was a person, or at least I think that was real. I could be a ghost. But this pain - this pain is a burden of the living.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

The light becomes brighter. I feel myself being pulled back to this earthly plane and slowly, slowly my body begins to appear in my mind's eye.

Knees curled, palms clenched, fetal position. Everything hurts.

I move my fingers, I open my eyes. The light hits the back of my brain. I wince.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

I'm on hard ground, metal? I'm rocking. Why am I rocking?

It's dark but flashes of bright sunlight are coming in through a small window near the top of this rectangular metal shape. A shipping container? A prison? I have no idea where I am.

I slowly start to push myself up from the fetal position. The pain in my skull shoots into my eye sockets temporarily blinding me and I'm thirsty, thirsty, so thirsty it hurts.

I can feel my tongue hanging limply in my mouth like a dried-out sea cucumber. I need water. Where am I?

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

Slowly, I begin to take in more details. It smells like oil and metal; I can taste it in the back of my throat, I sneeze. It's dusty in here. In where?

I slowly shift onto my knees, head in my hands. Everything hurts now as I slowly begin to stand.

I get to my feet, crouching; the swaying persists. I'm barefoot wearing nothing but a silk slip dress covered in dirt and blood.

I am covered in dirt and blood.

I make my way cautiously around the rocking metal prison, the walls are steel and aside from the small rectangular window near the top of the roof there's nothing.

No doors, no lights, just cold metal, metal and dust. And this constant swaying; and that relentless sound.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

I approach the small rectangular window stretching high on my tip-toes to look outside.

Wiping dust away, I can make out shapes and colors. I see beige, green, and light streaks, but it takes me a moment to register. My brain is attempting to protect me from what I am about to uncover.

The shapes begin to form into lifelike objects: sand, rocks, shrubs, bright grey sky, and then it hits me.

I'm in the desert, and I'm moving fast. This must be...

I'm on a train.

My brain finally arrives to the party, and I feel my heart explode like a firework inside my chest.

It beats furiously - thumping as if demanding to be released from its caged prison.

I gasp. But just as I try to breathe my throat closes up.

My airway is blocked with a lump the size of an apple core. I can't breathe. I can't scream; I can't move. But now I know where I am.

I'm somewhere in the desert, the Mojave.

I collapse back to the ground, wishing I was back in that place between life and death. Nausea begins to creep in.

The last thing I remember was dinner with him.

We met at the Circus Circus casino earlier that night, I was dealing blackjack and he told me I had the most beautiful eyes.

"When are you off?" he asked coyly, sliding a $1000 chip on the table.

"Late" I quipped. Something about him took my breath away.

"You're going to be thirsty after work; we should grab a drink."

"Sure, why not?” I shot back.

I had wanted to sound casual. But butterflies were flying wildly around my chest; something was exciting about this man. But looking back, my body was warning me.

It was screaming at me to run.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

After my shift, I went to the staff room to change.

"Who was that guy?" My friend asked as I took off my polyester uniform and threw my silk slip dress over my shoulders. Downing warm vodka sodas while I fussed.

"Don't know, don't care, but he's handsome! I'm going to have a drink with him; why not right?"

The night was slipping away when I met him at the bar. I felt woozy, in a dream, floating through the dimly lit casino - my prized eyes gleaming for everyone to see. Who is that ✨main character✨ in a silk-slip dress?

"So what do you do for work?" I’d asked, grasping my champagne flute as if trying to convince an invisible audience that champagne at 2 am was a classy choice.

"I work for a railroad, trains. Shipping mostly, it's nothing exciting."

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

It's starting to heat up. The once cool steel is no longer sharp to the touch—a bead of sweat rolls down the nape of my neck.

I wonder hot how it will get.

I shake my head. Breathe, you have to breathe.

I gasp, forcing myself back onto my knees, head in my hands. What happened?

The night came back in fragments, real? Or confabulation? I didn't know.

We had drinks; I remember that. He worked for a railway that I know was true.

I remember getting in a car, his car? I remember the lights of the Vegas strip becoming small behind us. I remember feeling excited and nervous. And then I didn't remember anymore.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

I remember in elementary school we learned about the trains that crossed the vast North American desert. Hundreds of railways that stretch on for thousands of miles.

Thousands of miles…. That phrase gets stuck in my head on a loop.

I remember being fascinated by these trains, thinking they were like wild animals trundling along - so epic, yet so alone.

I remember our teacher saying some trains even made their way through the ominous Death Valley.

"Death Valley," I say quietly under my breath.

Thu-thump, thu-thump, thu-thump.

I slump back now, leaning against the warming steel, legs outstretched.

I feel myself disconnect from my body. From this place. It’s too much for my mind to grasp. So I don’t.

Instead I let the bright light take me away. I let the train rock me like a baby and quietly, quietly I let myself slip back into the abyss.