Silent

All these voices in my head. Screams. Screams. My screams. A pop. Silence. I try to scream but I can't. No one can hear except me.

Breathe. No, my brain says. Darkness. Parties. Drinking. Music. James. Kisses. Windows smashing. Pops.

I can't speak. Not once in all this time tethered to this place. What is wrong with me? I watched my boyfriend get shot. Breathe. This time my brain agrees. I thought he was dead. He was shot just under the knee. I wasn't.

When They told me James had one leg, I didn't believe them. Breathe. But he did. He came in to see me and showed me the cold metal where it had been. I couldn't speak. Breathe. He kissed me that day. I didn't kiss him back.

Pop. Pop. Pop. No, gunshots. Breathe. My best friend died at that party. I know because They told me.

Flash. James. Hannah. On the floor. Hands in the air. James. Running. Hannah. Running. James. Shot. Hannah. Shot. Breathe. No.

Walking into the party. Hannah greets me. Shoot. It's her birthday. I didn't get her anything. I hand over a fifty-dollar note. One eyebrow raised. She's seen James staring. Great.

Trying to speak. Failing. Why can't I do this? I knock down the book on the side of my bed. The Fault In Our Stars. That'd make me feel better. A nurse runs over. "Honey are you okay?" No. I try to tell her this. Nothing happens. Trying again. Nodding.

Hannah is dead. Breathe. NO!

My best friend...

I cough. It hurts like heck. I'm going to die. Aren't I? Why haven't I already?

I walk in. Someone hands me a beer. I'm only just legal. Some people aren't. Shake it off comes on. Hannah spins me around. We shake until it hurts. Then more.

"Mila?" I cry. I've barely heard my mother's voice since the party. She asks me questions. I want to answer them. I do. I can't. She hugs me. She walks away. I breathe in the perfumed air. Mum's smell.

They tell me I can't speak. Duh. They tell me I was shot. Duh. They tell me that I severed my vocal cords. I might never be able to speak again. I mime for a pencil. Phone. I write on the paper they gave me.

I scroll through my contacts. Past Hannah. Breathe. I find James. My hands ache. I drop the phone. A nurse places it back in my hands. I try not to type. I mostly just click the suggestions. James, I might never speak again, do you still want me? His reply comes almost immediately. Duh. He always knows when it isn't the time for WHAT?!?!

James pulling me into the kitchen. Kissing him. Walking out. Giddy. Pretending nothing happened. Spinning with Hannah. Jumping. Smashes. Breathe. The windows smash inwards. Breathe.

I lie in bed. Someone brings me a jelly. Kid's food. I feel pathetic. A nurse comes and asks me to get up. I do. I fall. I can't do this. How long have I been here? I want to ask. But I can't. Of course, I can't.

I see white walls. So sterile. I feel like a mess that needs to be cleaned up. I try to walk. I get about two metres. I fall. The nurse tells me I did a good job. What? I get further. I fall. He takes me back to my bed.

When I wake up, there's a wheelchair by my bed. He puts me in it. "My name's Ryan." He tells me. I want to thank him. I can't. We wheel into a hallway. He has me walk while holding a rail.

This goes on for at least a month. I can groan now. When mum asked me if I wanted a cookie last night I grunted. Then I tried to squeal because I was so happy. I couldn't.

They tell me I can go home, now. I'm gonna miss this place. I'm back in my own bed. I feel out of place. I stare at a photo of Hannah and me for what I'm told is three hours.

"You can start your life again, honey," mum tells me, I know she's wrong.

"Ok," I croak out not wanting to upset her. Wait...

I TALKED!!!

I'm tired.

Hiding behind Hannah's couch with Wiley and James. I hear pops. Gunshots. Breathe. "Everyone down on the ground, hands in the air." Getting down. Hannah and James nodding at each other from different sides of the room. NO. Them running. Gunshots. Them falling.