Secrets

Katie sobbed quietly, under her dark glasses. She could cry now, hidden behind the protection of her lenses but she knew she would have to stay strong for the wake. Her mother would need her. Trying to hold back the pang in her heart and the loss she felt so deep in her inner child, she took a deep breath.

She knew this day would come. She had prepared for years through her Nanna June’s treatment. Had taken her to doctors appointments, blood tests and eventually every chemo day.

Strangely she knew Nan looked forward to these days. They had made a tradition of stopping into the cafe across from the hospital and sneaking in a dirty chai and a slice of decadent chocolate cake before every treatment. It seemed to be the one thing that gave Nanna June the strength and courage to face the horrendous treatment that left her debilitated and longing for an end to a cruel disease.

Katie wasn’t sure if it was the time that they spent together in the small cafe or the fact that they were so well known (the staff knew what the orders were before they sat down) or if it was that Nan would critique the slices and talk about the texture and frosting and how she could better the recipe every time - either way - Katie didn’t care, she loved every minute of these shared mo- ments. She could spend hours with her Nanna June and she knew that time wasn’t something she had the luxury of taking for granted.

They would reminisce over the early years. Nanna June reminding Katie of the time that she would stand on the chair to reach the kitchen bench to help mix the ingredients. Katie remembered that it was also the best place to be to get the first dibs of the wooden spoon once they had frosted the chocolate cake. Nan would get 2 wooden spoons so they could each enjoy licking it off and giggling as they did as it was their secret.

Katie could still not perfect her cake or frosting to liken to her Nans. She had followed every step by step with her but it just tasted different every time. What was Nanna Junes secret? Sadly the illness had taken her now and it had been years since her Nan had had the physical strength to bake. Katie never wanted to push her on it or ask - instead she was happy with the mini tradition at the cafe every fortnight and would make an effort to enjoy the time and be grateful for the tea- spoons that they would each use to lick off the frosting and laugh at memories made.

*******

Katie arrived at the house with her mother linked onto her arm. It had been an enormous day and being in her Nans house now was comforting and confronting at the same time. Her mother had found comfort through her friends and relatives during the afternoon and she was now even smirking at memories of her mother and how dedicated but secretive she had been as a person. They sat in the kitchen and Katie filled the kettle. She opened the pantry and smiled at the dirty chai packets of tea right in front of her.

She reached in and grabbed the container that had all of Nan’s ingredients for her infamous chocolate cake. She placed them on the bench and began taking them out one by one. Flour, sugar, cocoa...wait. What was this? She picked up a bottle with a worn out label. Vanilla bean drops. No. Could this be the missing ingredient in all her attempts?

Katies heart started racing. She felt a surge of energy and excitement and a warm glow that was filling her every cell. She ran to the fridge, pulled out the butter and eggs - staples that Nanna June always had on hand and pulled out the bowls and beater. She was on mission.

Her mother watched her intently. Katie knew the recipe like the back of her hand and she would adjust that today with an addition of this ingredient....but how many drops to use?

Katie turned the bottle over in her hands - surely there was instructions.

“Three” came her mothers voice.

Katie smiled. I guess not all things were kept a secret she thought.

Katie began her frosting whilst waiting for the cake to cool. She finished coating the cake and grabbed an extra wooden spoon and handed it to her mother. Without saying a word her mother scooped up some frosting and they both licked and burst out into giggles. No words were needed. Her Nanna June was here with them in spirit, sharing in their secret.