Searching For Heart

After millions of years of darkness I have learned to live without you. Coldness surrounds me but I no longer complain. I have accepted my fate, I’ll never see you again. Oh how I wish I never lost you, the most important part of myself. I am left with nothing except the hole of your shell.

It’s very wet down here and I have to crawl on my knees. There’s barely any air left for me to breathe. Is this the punishment I got for not giving you the care you need? I want to feel you once more beating inside me. I know your worth now, if I can just find you. To be reunited, might just be a fantasy.

I threw you out because of the pain I felt. I felt betrayed by you, for giving me these terrible emotions. Why would you let me cry miserably over another person? You made me feel anger inside me that boiled my blood. Fear of the most irrational things that I thought caused no harm. Shame after my ruthless behavior. Guilt when I wasn’t following my truth. Feelings of anxiety when I wasn’t listening to you.

I vowed to never use you again. That you serve no purpose for me but I was wrong. It was my fault from the very start, I didn't know how to use you right. I put myself in these situations and you were just doing your part. I have emptiness inside where once all the feelings would reside.

You gave me joy that I could never forget. The feeling of love that warms up my whole body. You would beat so fast from excitement. Enjoying the simple pleasures of life. I had inspiration to achieve my desires. To be in awe of the beauty around me. Once more I want to feel grateful for all that I have.

I understand it’s all a part of your job. You must have some pretty good reasons. I shouldn’t have held a grudge towards you, now I know you have been a very good judge. I don’t know why I had to lose you to learn but if I get lucky to find you, I hope you will return. Your place is with me and not in here. Even though there is no trace, I will keep going as long as it takes.

You have been a part of me for my entire life. We grew and experienced everything together. No amount of words can compensate for what I have done. Life just isn't worth living with having you gone. I keep talking to myself but I hope my words reach you somehow. If you are listening I hope you're able to forgive me. Give me a sign I am on the right track. I learned my lesson and you truly are a blessing.

My body is covered in dirt. I am starting to deteriorate. I will not stop even if there’s nothing left of me. All I have are these memories of what I would like to feel again. I promise I will always appreciate you. I just ask of you to take away the numbness I have. The emptiness you left me with, eats me alive. Everyday the hole gets bigger and bigger. I do not know who I am anymore. I only have one mission and it is you.

I will take all that comes with having you and never let you go. But I realize it’s better to feel everything, than not to have you around. So i’ll keep digging for you my heart, underneath this earths surface.