Say the Line.

Luda and Gianni, somewhere they really shouldn’t be...

...

Say the line.

No.

Say the line.

But why?

So we can all go home.

What line?

Are you kidding me?

No... I... forgot.

You forgot the line?

Yes.

You forgot the one line you were given?

The one single, solitary line you had to commit to memory and you forgot it?

Yeah, I had a lot to remember.

Two fucking words, two fucking syllables. How the fuck is that a lot to remember? Care to explain that to me?

Well... it's just... I dunno... you never made it clear. Yeah, that's it. You never made it clear.

Oh really? So it's my fault then? I should chastise myself for "not being clear enough with you"?

Um, well no. We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up for it.

I didn't make a... Look, just say the goddamn line and then we can be done with it. Can you do that for me? For the last nerve I have that is barely holding on? Before I'm old, grey and very tired?

Sure.

Thank you...

Wait. Why is your hand up?

My hand is up because I want to ask a question.

I understand that. What is the fucking question?

Well... I don't know if I should say... You'll get mad again.

I won't.

I don't believe you. You'll get mad and then you'll hit me.

I won't hit you... I won't get mad, but please, for the love of all that is good and pure, ask your question.

Okay.

Okay...

What was my line again?

Last call.

Oh, I want a drink. Do you want one before last call?

No, that's your line.

What line?

Last call.

They're saying it twice. You know it's serious when they say it twice. So, you want a drink? Mine's a gin and rum. A gin rummy.

No.

That is your line.

Ah yes. My line.

So you say "line" and I say "last call." Is that right?

Yeah... No. What the fuck are you talking about? Your line is "last call" and then I tell everyone to get their hands on the fucking floor and not to make a fucking sound or I'll blow their heads off!

That seems a little dramatic.

What now?

Well, wouldn't it be nicer to take a breath and give them a chance to follow through rather than threatening them?

A simple please goes a long way.

We have guns.

Oh, and that means you can't have manners too? I've met your mother, remember. What would dear old Mamma Pazienza say if she could speak to you from heaven with the little baby Jesus?

What?

I'm just saying, Mamma Pazienza and baby Jesus know you know your manners. Why you gotta be so unkind? Just because you have a gun, that makes you a big man? In your balaclava so no one gets to see the real you. The greying oldest of Mamma Pazienza.

Yes. Because I have a gun. You have a gun. We are going to rob the joint, remember? And now we have to kill everyone because you told them my name and gave a description.

Wait...

What now?

Did you say we need to kill everyone?

Yes.

Hmm...

Hmm... Gianni, this is not really a "hmm" sorta segment in the conversation. Hmm what?

Well, killing everyone is...

Yes?

Impractical and messy.

What?

And I don't even know if we brought enough bullets. Maybe if we lined people up in twos or threes and shot them, but I don't know the physics and the maths. Plus, that's a lot of blood to spill in this fine establishment.

Are you seriously worried about messing up the fucking establishment we're about to rob?

Now look what you've done. Everyone is on the floor now screaming. Well done. Mamma Pazienza would be so proud of her well-mannered Luda.

We were going to get them to lie on the floor when you distracted them with your line that you—and it pains me to have to remind you again—forgot.

Now, now.

Don't "now, now" me and stop waving that gun in my face.

Wait...

Speaking of guns... why wouldn't we have enough bullets?

Oh, I'm sure we do. I don't know why I even said that.

Luda...

Sorry.

I think I'm going to be...

No, no, Gianni. Why would we not have enough bullets?

A hunch.

And you did it again.

Did what?

Said my name. You said "Gianni."

You called me Mamma Pazienza's oldest and then called me Luda.

Can't you just say sorry for once? Remember...

Don't you fucking say it...

Remember Mamma and what she'd say.

Look, can we just get on with this? Get the barman to empty the till and then steal everyone's wallets, purses and phones and...

What are you doing?

Hmm?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Why are you behind the bar?

I wanted to see what it looked like.

Okay. Concentrate.

I am.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Then why are you playing with the nuts bowl?

I'm hungry. It really builds an appetite, this bar-robbing business we got going.

Leave the nuts. Grab your gun and get that barman to open the till.

...

And pass me the nuts.

Told you.

Shut up and just do it, please!

Okay, Luda, you're the boss.

You said it again, Gianni!

Well, everyone knows now and you insist on killing them.

Wait...

I don't like the way you elongated the "NN" in Gianni. Made it sound like my dear old Papa.

"Gianniii, come-a down-a the stairs this minute."

Papa Francesco was a patient man to have you as a son.

What's that supposed to mean?

Never mind.

Has he got the money out?

He's going as fast as he can. He doesn't want to have his brain spilled over the bar any more than I do.

Fine. I'll start getting the phones and wallets.

Hey, Luda?

What is it, Gianni?

Do you think we could take a few of these bottles of vodka?

No.

Well, that seems unfair.

I don't care. You've wound me up now.

I've wound you up? You're the one that keeps shouting.

That's because this is your mess.

Who decided to rob a bar?

...

Who called me and said, "I've got a cool idea for quick cash. You down, my brother?"

That was me.

That's right, and what did I say? I said, "Yes. Of course. Tell me the plan." And then you said, "We will go to the bar, and at closing time you will shout 'last call' like you are telling everyone to go to the bar if they want one last drink. Then, as everyone rushes, I'll hold up my gun and tell them to get on the floor and we will have control of the bar before anyone knows what's happening." And I said, "Good plan."

Of course it's a good plan. I made it.

You did?

Yes.

Really?

Of course I did. Who else did you think came up with it?

Honestly, no idea. I thought you borrowed it from a film or something. Doesn't seem like you.

Well, I did and didn't borrow it from a film. Films are way too predictable.

You've got that right.

...

Wait, are you drinking?

Just a little drink while my man here fills my bag.

What are you drinking? It looks disgusting.

Gin rummy. Didn't I say I wanted a gin rummy?

Whatever.

I just have one guy to search and then we can start killing these people.

Do we got to kill them all?

Yes.

Why?

Because that's the way of things.

Even the pretty blonde over there?

Yes.

Do you know what? Especially her.

That's just mean.

I'm tired. Please, can we just...

"Attention. This is the police. We have the building surrounded. Put down your weapons and come out with your hands raised."

Oh, great. That's the police.

It is?

Who the fuck else would it be?

"Nobody needs to get hurt. You have thirty seconds to surrender peacefully."

Thirty seconds?

Gianni, please.

You said we'd be in and out before they arrived.

Yes.

Why aren't we on the outside of the bar, safely on our way to the airport?

Take a wild guess...

Because you didn't plan for the cops?

"Consider this your last call before we come in."

...

Luda?

What?

That policeman.

No.

What?

Don't.

That policeman who just called out to us.

Yes. What?

He said my line.

...

Did you hear him?

Yes, Gianni.

Last call.

I heard him.

That's my line.

I KNOW IT'S YOUR FUCKING LINE.

DO YOU KNOW WHY, GIANNI?

Why?

...

BECAUSE I GAVE YOU THE FUCKING LINE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

...

Actually...

Please stop.

No. He stole it.

He didn't steal your line.

He did, Luda.

I don't want to discuss this.

It's not fair, though. You gave me one line and he said it.

Gianni...

I don't think I should say it now. There's no point.

YOU HAVEN'T SAID IT ONCE.

What do we do now?

We surrender.

Just like that?

Yes.

Do you think they'll shoot us?

Not if you do exactly what I tell you.

Okay.

Put the gun down.

Done.

Hands in the air.

Done.

And for once in your fucking life, Gianni, don't say anything.

Okay.

...

Luda?

What?

I remembered.

What?

My line.

Don't.

Last call.

Fuck you, Gianni.

*

Thanks for reading!