Say Her Name

Sweetheart, you look a little upset. I can fully understand why. There are certain things you expect to work the way they are supposed to, and you’re not getting that. I think that I would be upset too if I were in your shoes. I kind of knew that I would have some explaining to do when you woke up.

First, let me start by saying that I’m sorry. I know that you’ve been inconvenienced a great deal. The problem is that I can’t fix the issue right now. It will solve itself in due time. Please, be a little patient.

Second, I have to say that this was not entirely my fault. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not trying to cast the blame. I take full responsibility for my part in all of this. It is mostly my fault, but not entirely. I can explain everything that happened. Let me start from the beginning.

You know that we just had our house remodeled. You may not know that I paid an extra $25,000 to transform this house into a real smart house. Look at what you got for that 25 grand.

We upgraded our security system. We got one with video doorbells for the front, back, and side doors. It has 24 cameras: 12 outdoor cameras, 10 indoor cameras, and 2 cameras inside the garage. They all record locally and in the cloud. AI with face recognition lets us know who is at the door. It can detect if someone steals a package from our porch. It can call the police and give a description of the thief. We got motion detectors, glass-break detectors, and smoke and CO detectors in every room. We got freeze sensors and water sensors in the basement. Every door and window is monitored. We got the works—every feature they offer. All that costs money.

Then, you know you always wanted one of those smart speakers, and I’m not talking bad about them. I love them. I don’t know how we got along without them. Just like you, I enjoy how they wake us up to gentle music and a calm voice. But those things cost money. We got the ones with the 25-inch screens and put them in every room. Now we can just ask those speakers to show us any camera we want to see. “Show us the front door. Show us the back door. Who’s in the kitchen?” Yesterday, it alerted me that our daughter was taking cookies before dinner.

It’s also a good thing that we can pause, rewind, and stop a movie or TV show with our voice. When we come back, the speaker asks us if we’d like to continue where we left off. How cool is that?

We also just had to get the smart switches and plugs. I admit that this was one of your better suggestions. Because of it, we can just tell it to turn on the lights, start the coffee pot, or anything else. The problem was that daughter of ours. She went overboard. Day and night. Night and day.

“Turn on kitchen light. Turn off dining room light. Turn on TV. Turn off radio.”

It wouldn’t have been too bad if she hadn’t realized that it also worked in the bedrooms.

“Turn on Mommy’s light. Turn off Daddy’s light.”

Lights turning off and on all night long. I wanted to take the device out of her room, but she used it as a night light and an alarm clock. The girl was driving me crazy. I don’t even know how you slept through it.

Anyway, I told her to stop. She listened for a moment. And then the music started. “Play this song. No! Not that one. By this group.”

She kept going. The music was playing on every device in the house. I was going nuts. Sternly, I told her to stop and go to bed.

Then you’ve got to take the appliances into consideration. That girl started using her voice to set the microwave. “Set microwave for 1 hour and start.”

I had to stop it myself. She didn’t even put anything in it. She just wanted to see it start. I told her that she could break it like that. She stopped for a while, then started up again. The next time, she put a can of beans in it. I took it out before she could get it started. I had to punish her that time. I took away all of her electronic devices. It was only for a day, hoping it would set her straight. It didn’t.

Then she learned that the fireplace could be set with a simple voice command. Our little girl has a fascination with fire. She needs help.

“Start fire. Make fire bigger. Make fire bigger.”

I had to intervene. “Ignore that command.”

As the fire faded away, all I could do was look at her with disappointed eyes. Without a word, I assumed she got the point. She apologized and withdrew to her room.

We also got that stupid robot that she programmed to follow her around and bring her drinks. Also, that drone that responds to different alarms and alerts set off by the security system. I know that was my idea to get that. You seemed glad that I did. The robot would get you anything you wanted, like a servant waiting on you hand and foot. I’m glad that it made you happy, but I now believe it was my worst idea.

A few days ago, I accidentally knocked a glass off the kitchen counter. It hit the floor and shattered. Before I had a chance to clean it up, here came the robot and drone to investigate. They took pictures of me and posted them to Neighborhood Watch. I wasn’t too upset since I was easily able to remove them. The problem was that little girl of yours.

She thought that it was funny how my photos were posted. So, when she knocked a glass off the counter, I questioned if it was an accident. I gave her the benefit of the doubt the first time. But as she continued to break glasses to see these things respond, I got upset. With a loud voice, I screamed at her.

“Alexa,” I called, “go to your room. You’re grounded. Don’t come out for a whole week.”

I didn’t think it was too strict. But it was not her response that bothered me.

“OK,” came a voice from the smart speakers, “shutting down for 1 week. See you in 7 days.”