Santa

Most people don’t believe in magic anymore. I mean sure, you have Harry Potter and Disney movies, but people don’t believe it’s real. At most they acknowledge that there’s a thing called Wicca they mostly see in memes and tweets if they know that. Few realize the reality beyond that of real magic. And fewer still know the greatest wizard of all time is alive and well, and we all know his name. No, not Merlin. The Claus. Santa Claus

Sure, you laugh. Go ahead. I’m totally serious. The Claus is the biggest deal of all big deals. So big he’s everywhere, he touches everything, and you don’t even know he’s real.

I’ve been studying magic a long time. Decades. I can do a few things. I’ve seen things done. Illusions and the real thing. I can make myself effectively invisible and tell you without a doubt not only what you’re thinking, but what your dog is thinking. You know what I can’t do? Bilocation. The illusion, sure, but the real thing? That’s reserved for angels, saints, and demons, and I’m none of those. Also psychically linking and working worth familiars on a global scale. I can’t do that. Not a chance. But the Claus can. You only think he can’t. Here’s the math:

In theory, what Santa is doing is delivering gifts to all the world’s children in one night. Let’s rough that down. There are 24 time zones, give or take, so he has 24 hours from bedtime in the first time zone in Asia until bed time in the last time zone in the west, plus the few more hours until morning. Let’s call it just 24 hours. Further, let’s say he’s only going to Christian homes, because he deals in Christmas. There are 2.3 billion Christians in the world. They’re not all children, but hey, some adults get gifts, and with Christians, while you have some families with no kids or just one, you also have those giant Irish Catholic families with 10 kids, so it averages out. 2.3 billion severed in 24 hours. That’s 1.5 million people a minute, 26.6 thousand people per second. The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, so moving at light speed, Santa could maybe do it all. Maybe.

But.

Do you hear any sonic booms? How about gifts turning into superheated plasma from the sheer friction of moving that fast through the atmosphere? What about this shrinking ability some say he uses to go down chimneys and under doors, or his ability to phase through walls, whatever it is? Does that take more time? Doesn’t matter. I’m telling you the Claus teleports items when he can and uses bilocation to appear in multiple places, plus he controls untold numbers of others to do what he needs them to do.

Think I’m wrong? Chew on this. In the last 500 plus years, humanity has explored every corner of this planet, save uncharted flyspeck islands and the deepest parts of the ocean. We’ve mapped both Mars and the Moon. There have been centuries of documented encounters with beings like the Little People in the UK and Ireland alone, plus brownies and gnomes in Germany. Dwarves in Russia. Accounts dropped off in the late 19th and early 20th century. We didn’t kill them. What happened?

The Claus, whose legend mushroomed at that time, gathered his minions – collectively known as The Elves – and built a haven for them in the one place no one goes, the one place that’s still hard to get to, and he used his magic and theirs to make it habitable and to hide it from prying eyes. Brilliant.

But it doesn’t stop there. You’re the world’s most powerful magician. You’ve gathered an army of magical beings from all over the world. What do you do?

Hang out. Distribute gifts.

But that’s not the full story. See, Santa takes no shit. He knows there are bad mages out there. They’re the Naughty List. Remember Alistair Crowley, the self-proclaimed wickedest man in the world? How about Anton LeVey, founder of the Church of Satan? They had followers and press, but what did they accomplish? Not much. Did they take over or destroy the world? No. Because of the Claus. Santa has his elves working year round on production and acquisition of gifts, and he has his one big day of distribution, but the rest of the year he’s using his powers of knowing when you’re sleeping or awake, and knowing if you’re bad or good to monitor problematic activity and shut it down, worldwide. I’ve seen it happen.

The final question you should ask is why? With all that power and ability, what would drive a guy to spend his time handing out gifts? Check your gut. He’s either the nicest of nice guys, or he has something to make up for.

Remember what I said earlier, about great wizards. When people think of great wizards they think of Merlin. He was for most, the greatest of all time. His name is synonymous with magic and wisdom. One obscure part of the legend of Merlin is that he was actually born of a demon father and human mother.

Then think of what I said about bilocation. It really is a power only known to angels, saints, and demons. Bilocation is known miracle reserved for powerful saints, and has been demonstrated by those possessed by powerful demons. Merlin could do it. And despite all his power and wisdom, he still saw the greatest kingdom in the world, ruled by the noblest king, crumble around him, and he was sealed in a cavern for hundreds of years, frozen in a crystal as he watched England change around him. I met Merlin once. He told me he never got over that, and he learned much over the centuries. But he doesn’t call himself Merlin anymore.