Salubrious part 42

There were ten bags of department store goods, paint swatches and wallpaper from Home Depot, and some new jackets, scarfs and hats that Allan bought for him and Charlie. None of the content in the bags were taken out yet from the excess shopping that occurred earlier that day.

It was Monday night. The apartment felt cold as the sun slowly passed the city’s skyline, the sky mossy with light blue mixed with muddy yellow and sparkling twilight violet.

Allan walked by the kitchen to turn off the lights, noticing the local newspaper with the headline:

Local nutcase landlord breaks probation, manhunt is underway

Mr. Landlord, the owner and property manager of the Meep Boulevard estate apartments, convicted of stealing approximately 1.2 million (USD) in property and cash had last been seen during a violent confrontation…

Allan angrily crumbled up the newspaper.

“I’m done being so dumb about this shit,” Allan said under his breath, throwing away the newspaper half balled up and crumbled.

Allan realized how cold it was at that moment as he walked by and he saw Charlie sleeping upright on their couch, phone in hand. Charlie was shivering.

So was Allan. But not because he was cold. He was still afraid. He didn’t admit it but because Charlie was trying so hard to keep things together, and the fear was residing so deep, that even just going shopping for groceries or clothing was somehow impossibly difficult.

He looks out their window to the sunset that met the new evening, feeling the weight of his fear hit his stomach. He barely slept anymore, barely ate, barely did anything anymore.

He got out a blanket, thinking that Charlie needed something a bit better than that. He got out a comforter that he had washed recently and put it in a dryer with lavender dryer sheets for a few minutes. Doing laundry was the only thing Allan felt safe doing as he controlled the entire process: the separation of darks and lights, the scent he used, the washing and drying and folding.

For the longest time, he had decided to avoid long-term connections. It felt safer, it felt more in control. He would be alone without judgment.

Charlie made him realize he didn’t have to pretend or act a certain way to be loved. Charlie held him when he needed silence, not expecting Allan to do anything to say anything. Well, that was Charlie’s job, as he was the talker and that soothed Allan to no end to hear his boyfriend ramble and joke.

Allan got the comforter out of the dryer, feeling the radiating warmth and soft lavender smell coarse through him.

Gently, he turned Charlie to lay on a pillow and covered him up to his neck and feet, taking his phone to put it to charge.

“Baby? You okay?” Charlie mumbled as he slept.

Allan frowned, touching Charlie’s face. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’m making it.”

He leaned down to kiss Charlie’s cheek.

“Wow. So darn warm… thanks Allan..” Charlie mumbled softly.

“If you keep talking I will suspect you aren’t really asleep,” Allan joked as he put Charlie’s phone to charge.

That was when he saw the email draft. It hit him deftly, like a crash of cymbals in a piano recital that didn’t belong.

It began:

Mr. Boss,

Hey this is Charlie. I wanted to check

So Allan isn’t doing as well as I hoped. I’m real concerned that he might need more time to recover from everything. There’s

The incomplete email had another email attached that was also a draft.

Mr. Boss,

This is Charlie, your guy. Your smile guy, the one that goes on the jobs with Pim. You know who I am. I’m the guy. I really need a favor. Can we extend the pto and maybe change it to FMLA for Allan? I understand he’s at his limit with pto. Is this an option? Please let me know asap.

-Charlie

Allan became increasingly more distraught as he saw another unattached draft.

It just said in the subject line:

Allan stuff

Songs to help Allan: Can’t Smile without you, nothing too sad, nothing too raunchy, Akon, Madonna

Foods: anything with a straw, weird fruits like kiwi, steak fries from that one restaurant for date night

Warm bath, candles and Starburst candy, no bright lights, nothing loud, TV off, shades drawn

Allan put the phone to charge, feeling a hiccup coming up. It turned into a quiet cry.

The list was, as Allan had realized with a fast warmth, all accurate to what actually helped him calm down during panic attacks and insomnia.

‘This must’ve been worse than a rhino’s weight on his neck,’ Allan thought, remembering when Charlie casually mentioned that if he were a rhino, he’d be the biggest alpha male.

He decided he wouldn’t let Charlie carry this load by himself anymore.

He was going to have to start with using his two feet to stand up, then maybe, take a single step forward. That was it. One step.

The rest will follow.