Salubrious part 30

Charlie was blasting, “Hypnotize,” by Biggie Smalls, trying to calm his nerves.

He woke up this morning, feeling wired and anxious as he kissed Allan good morning.

“Morning, sunshine,” Allan kissed back. He liked that Allan only called him that in private because it was such a quietly sweet nickname. The moniker was because Allan told him, “You always look so done with things in general and have a cranky face. Maybe if I start calling you sunshine you’ll have a better addd-it-tude, dude.”

And because he was yellow, which was the last funny, unfunny irony.

“Happy anniversary, weirdo,” Charlie said, hugging him close.

Allan teased, “Ah, you remembered, you big oaf,” as he ruffled Charlie’s hat.

“You kept sending me notification reminders. Seriously dude? Our relationship isn’t an office or a business.”

Allan shook his head. “It worked.”

Charlie sighed. “Now you’re acting egotistical because you think you’re always right.”

Allan smiled, “No not always. You’re right about one-tenth of the time.”

Charlie rolled his eyes, going to his closet to get something. “Your weird calculating mind thinks of the most random stuff.”

Allan got out of bed. “What you doing?”

Charlie turned, handing him a card and a gift bag.

“It’s your stuff. Stuff I got you. You know? For the whole anniversary thing.” He gently put it in Allan’s hand. “Cause of the whole thing.”

“Our anniversary?” Allan replied helpfully.

Charlie rubbed the back of his neck, saying quickly, “The love thing, maybe.”

Allan grinned. “How very practical of you.”

Charlie grinned back. “I’m pretty fucking practical. You’re right.”

Allan opened the card with a cartoonish banana saying, “You drive me bananas but I can’t live without you!”

“It’s a stupid card,” Charlie blushed as Allan took out a new blue tie and watch. “Your old tie looked crinkled. And you never.. I never saw you wear a watch. So, there you go.”

Allan immediately put on the new tie and the watch. He had some trouble putting on the watch, so Charlie took hold of it brushing Allan’s wrist, holding his arm softly.

“It’s adjustable,” Charlie added. “Do you like it?”

Allan nodded. “Yes. It’s great. Thank you, Charlie.”

Charlie gave him an arrogant smile. “That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I got other shit for you later. What did you get me, your favorite person ever?”

Allan rolled his eyes. “I like Doctor Monster better.”

Charlie frowned. “I still don’t fully understand who that is.”

Allan chuckled. “Don’t get cranky, sunshine. I got you something.”

“But.. ugh, you’re lucky you’re cute, you can get away with murder…” Charlie grumbled.

Allan nodded. “Yup.” He went to his bag and handed Charlie a big book.

It landed with a thud on his lap. “What?”

Allan said, “It is a book.”

“I can see that. Fuck, you almost.. you kinda hit my junk,” Charlie muttered, flipping through the pages. It was a collage of their time together, pictures of them at different times. Even before they were really friends to when they were in Brazil, actually becoming real friends, to now, something deeper.

“Sorry I didn’t get you anything practical like your gifts. But, I wanted to show you how much I paid attention to you through the years,” Allan said.

Suddenly there was a close up picture of Charlie picking his nose.

“What the.. what the fuck?” Charlie felt heat creep up his neck.

Allan smiled. “Because of the gross thing. I want you to know how accommodating and supportive I am that you pick your nose so much. That I can be gross too.”

Charlie smiled weakly. “Oh my word. This is… a lot.”

“Is that not what you wanted?” Allan said with a frown.

Charlie noticed and gently put the book down, immediately moving to embrace Allan.

“I wanted you. And you gave it to me in the most awkward, misfit way. It’s like, so comforting in the best, most terribly weird way. I love it.”

Charlie thought of their morning with a contented smile. He had a few other surprises for Allan, and even though it had only been two months in for their relationship, he felt a security inside he never felt before.

The fact that he had always had a huge hang up of being in a relationship where his innate messiness and lack of communication were the biggest problems, they seemed to find themselves being almost completely isolated in the sense that Allan never seemed to make them a part of the relationship. Allan put the fact that Charlie was messy, disorganized and hard to handle big emotions as something that wasn’t personally reflective of their connection.

Charlie recalled one moment when they were eating dinner at his place, getting gravy on his shirt and face.

“Charlie, you got something on you shirt.” Allan focused on the mess, and when Charlie said nothing, the latter went in to clean him up with a napkin.

Charlie flinched. “Don’t touch me, man. It is what it is.”

Allan gave him a disturbed look. “I just want to help you.”

“No, you just want to help yourself with your OCD thing about cleaning up. I’m a gross person. Don’t look at me. Don’t..” Charlie put his hands over his face. Allan went over and put his arm around Charlie.

“Don’t touch me,” Charlie said weakly, hands covering his face. “Don’t fucking look at me.”

“Charlie?” Allan asked calmly.

Charlie peeked through his fingers. “Huh?”

“You’re acting quite grave about that gravy on your face.”

Charlie laughed. Allan leaned in, kissing his cheek.

Charlie blushed. “Now you got gravy on your face.”

“That’s okay,” Allan said, but his face looked uncertain. Charlie gave him a disbelieving glance.

“I’ll get you a washcloth.” Charlie offered.

“Please, thank you,” Allan said, making Charlie laugh.

The fact of the matter was, Charlie was ready for something he never thought he would ever be: asking someone to move in with him.

He remembered the first week of their relationship where Allan kept asking to stay over his place, thinking there was still some ptsd related to his apartment and everything that happened with the landlord.

He had tried to discuss it with Allan but he was avoidant and having mini panic attacks, small crying spells and he latched onto Charlie during these times. It made Charlie feel important but sad for his boyfriend who felt so much terror and trauma over the stalking and crazy behavior that his landlord exhibited toward him.

For almost five days during the beginning of their relationship, Allan had stayed over Charlie’s apartment. The real test was whether or not they could find peace and balance without each other sometimes, which for Charlie, as much as he loved spending every night with Allan, he felt a bit suffocated.

Allan decided on his own to see how he would fare at his apartment. It scared him to be so dependent on someone else to feel safe. It wasn’t how he wanted to feel, he wanted to feel secure with himself too.

Allan told him he’d go back home for the night.

“You sure?”

Allan nodded. “Yeah. Need to try and find something normal after all this.”

Charlie hugged him. “I get it.”

Later that night, he got a call from Allan.

“I’m managing it but I needed to hear your voice,” Allan said.

“Cool. Did you eat dinner?”

“No. But I might make a salad.”

Charlie smiled to himself, “With croutons and vinaigrette?”

“Maybe. Did you eat?”

“Yeah I had Wawa.”

“A hoagie, right?” Allan’s voice sounded affectionate and it warmed Charlie up. “Extra meat. Huh?”

“Yeah. Basically.”

“Well, that’s good. But that’s not very healthy.”

“Yeah I know.”

“You going into work early tomorrow?” Allan asked.

Charlie sighed. “Possibly, are you?”

“I might. I might work in the garden a bit.”

“Yeah, that’s good. Are you okay?”

“I’m trying. I wanted to stop being so… I sometimes feel like I need you too much…” Allan said heavily.

Charlie nodded. “Yeah, I feel … I get that way about you too.”

Allan sighed in semi-relief, “It’s hard not to be there with you.”

“Yeah. It’s.. I miss you and everything. But, Allan, we need breathing room. Not because I don’t miss you.”

“I honestly.. I thought I was being too much.”

“No, no,” Charlie said quickly. “I didn’t think that. Are you trying to breathe?”

Allan sighed. “Yeah. I am.”

“Good. It’ll be okay. You’re gonna be alright man. You’re strong.”

“I know.”

Charlie reminded himself as he drove around that space apart didn’t mean catastrophic failure.

He replayed Biggie Smalls, picking up the key to their future. A literal key, but still.