Salubrious part 20

Charlie couldn’t make heads or tails of Allan’s coldly indifferent attitude towards him, especially since he got close enough to fix his shirt buttons, hat and… his hair.

It wasn’t adding up. He felt like he was bungling the whole previous time he had won with Allan, not articulating properly his true intentions.

What were his true intentions? Charlie thought he figured it out. But by that single interaction of Allan domestically fixing his buttons and hat, he felt a rush of the old feelings he had before when they were texting each other every morning and every night. The funny texts. Protecting each others health and safety. The random calls, the old and new feelings that felt like old fashioned puppy love that was elevated to something like a new kind of care. The kind of care that brought safety and comfort, trust and confidence.

But his thoughts were interrupted by an increasingly intense, angry and annoyed looking Allan.

“You made me… think everything that happened between us was only in my mind,” Allan’s voice had cracked. “That fucking… hurt, man.”

Charlie looked like a blue screen trying to process something entirely foreign. Allan gave him a look that said, “Come on man, use your mouth to say some words!”

Charlie coughed, clearing his throat. Allan offered him some of his soda, which he took a chug of.

“Did… you believe that I didn’t want… that I regretted what happened?” Charlie asked carefully.

Allan shuffled in his chair. “Well, that’s what it looked like to me.”

“Allan, seriously?”

Allan sat up straighter. “It’s your goddamn fault. You said we couldn’t be friends, or something. You said it!” Allan slightly slammed the soda on the table, making Charlie flinch. “Then, fucking nothing. Nothing at all. I waited in the morning. The night. Every single moment you didn’t text, didn’t call, it made me realize I didn’t really matter. That you just..” Allan scoffed, looking at him with a glare, “You got what you needed from me. Now you can just discard me like nothing. Well, Dompler, I’m not someone who can just be a throwaway gag or a stupid squeaky toy you can squeeze until the squeaky noise stops working…”

Charlie’s nose crinkled, “That was the oddest description I’ve ever heard, man, no offense.”

Allan grimaced. “It’s even uglier inside of my brain when I remember your silence.”

Charlie shook his head, moving his chair a bit closer. “I didn’t mean that I didn’t want you in my life, Allan. That’s not what it meant. I’m sorry for wording that badly. I didn’t even realize what I meant until recently but I know for a fact that it didn’t mean that I wanted you out of my life.”

“It sure felt like you left. You barely spoke to me. Not even a text.”

“But I tried to show you.. you know all that stuff I left around the office for you? And you? You left things for me too. That was communication, kinda? In its own way, right?”

Allan put his hand on Charlie’s shoulder, leaning in, looking at him in an unconvinced manner. “Charlie, stop playing these stupid games. Okay? You’re an adult, and so am I. You and I both know you ghosted me.”

Charlie felt his pulse drop and then rise at the close contact. He gulped.

“And you were working like a fucking lunatic. Everyone thought you were acting like a fool. I thought you were acting like a fool. I was disappointed.”

“You were disappointed?”

“In how fast you ran away.”

Charlie gulped, shaking his head.

“Look, Allan, I didn’t think I was running away. I thought in my own fucked up logic, that we were preserving things, like on hold, if that makes sense. I was thinking that if we had some space, if I had space, we could build on everything we did have before that whole nasty, hospital business happened.”

“I’m not a jelly or jam you can preserve on the shelf for later, dude,” Allan said in a nasty, sarcastic tone.

Charlie frowned, “Dude? Really? I think we’re past dude.”

Allan scoffed with a short huff. “Don’t fucking get cute with me. I’m pissed. You pissed me off.” He sat up straight again, giving Charlie a narrowed look.

“I don’t do relationships, Charlie, I never have. I always end up putting up more than the other person and I get shit on. This is exactly why I don’t bother.”

“Remember…” Charlie lowered his voice, “remember after the concert, and we slept in the same bed together?”

Allan nodded slowly. “Yeah, what about it?”

“We kissed…. That morning, remember?” Charlie whispered.

“Yeah. And?” Allan cocked his head to the side.

“Remember what I said to you?”

Allan frowned, “I do.”

“Well? That’s what I want.”

Allan looked incredulous. “Huh?”

Charlie laughed, “That’s my line.”

“Fuck off, seriously!” Allan said with no bite, trying to remain serious. A smile was cracking through the anger.

Charlie smiled, “Aw, that’s the kooky Allan I know. And love,” Charlie added. Allan gave him the first sweet look in two weeks.

“Make my heart bleed out right here, why don’t you?” Allan squeaked out.

“Okay. I promise to patch it up after, and pick up whatever pieces are left…” Charlie suavely tested out.

“Okay, but I still do not understand what our relationship is.” Allan crossed his arms in a protective way. “And I’m still a bit mad at you.”

“Let’s take it slow?” Charlie said.

Allan’s answer was a simple glare that felt like a dagger. Charlie choked, almost feeling like he couldn’t breathe.

“Did you mean what you said? About relationships. You said you don’t ever do them,” Charlie treaded lightly.

Allan nodded, “Yeah. That’s right. Do I need to spell it out? I need this to be… different. I need it to be…defined. Literally. Okay?” Allan said loudly. Charlie felt self-conscious about the looks they were starting to get but he tried to ignore his raging social anxiety.

“I need consistency. I need communication. I need, I need you to need me, to want me around you until I fucking suffocate you. Get it yet, man?” Allan stood up, giving him a concentrated look of fury and passion.

Charlie shrunk in his chair. He never heard such a declaration before and it was sounding and feeling incredibly clear, like the most powerful bell.

“Fuck. Fucking wow, man, that’s..” Charlie whimpered. Allan gave him an impatient look.

“I want all of that too. With you. Now, please.”

Allan finally let himself smile.

“Fucking finally!” Allan yelled.

The unlikely couple grabbed each other’s hand, walking out of the bar.

“Hey you two still need to pay!” The bartender yelled.

The two stopped mid track, giving each other a look.

“You are paying, right?” Allan asked.

Charlie nodded. “Yup. I’m the man in the relation—”

Allan scrunched his face. “I’m a man too.”

“Duh. But I’ll still pay,” Charlie winked.

Allan gave a neutral look. “But I will pay next..”

“Deal.”