Salubrious

Charlie was hungover. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence yet the morning after drinking heavily felt somehow worse than usual as he had broken up unceremoniously with Zoey before the outing with his friends.

The first thing he remembered that reverberated through his consciousness was a pale, thin voice saying, “I’m sorrrey,” and his mouth being burnt.

But he coughed, putting the whole piece of memory into his subconscious’ drain. It felt like a fuzzy, warm, red blanket he was trying to get rid of but just felt too cozy. He tried to remember Zoey before they broke up, well, when he broke up with her.

“Charlie you never do anything with me! I feel so unloved. You just louse around with those loser guys from work!” Zoey yelled.

Charlie grumbled, “Fuck man, give me some space! I don’t need this, honestly, I had such a stressful day at work and I really need just one single night of no fussing. Please.”

Zoey tried to hang onto Charlie’s arm but he pushed her away. Her clingy nature was so suffocating. Calling him at all times at night and texting during the day, over trivial matters and things she was angry at him for, (one time it was for mixing up a bread knife with a steak knife and she was furious… or mixing peanut butter and jelly together in the different jars)… it was getting too much.

“I swear you care more about those stupid friends from your job than me!” She cried.

Mulling over their constant fights and bickering, Charlie realized he was just as miserable as she was and this relationship was toxic. The little amount of good they had did not outweigh the toxic co-dependency.

“You always insult my friends. Please just stop. I need space. We…” he sighed, looking at her sad eyes, almost rethinking about everything but she spits on the floor near his shoe.

“That’s what I think of you and your dumbass friends! Your stupid job where you make strangers smile but you can’t even make your own girlfriend smile!”

“Ok, ok, that’s it. We’re fucking done. I’m done. I’m breaking up with you. Pim was right about you. Good bye!”

The night after that was a blur of shots, loud music, and his friends screaming with laughter over stupid shit, making jokes and trying to build Charlie up.

He ran to his bathroom and threw up, wiping his face, thinking of an interaction he kept having with someone that made him feel weird. He stumbled to the kitchen, making coffee.

As the coffee brewed, he realized that he had everything he needed. He didn’t need any ridiculous relationship. He just needed his friends and his job. He remembered how much fun that they had last night—-him, Pim, Allan and Glep.

“Remember how you were so excited to be a hero during that one job, Charlie? You were all metaled up like a knight!” Pim recalled as they had a third round of beers brought over to their table.

“Pugh, ohhh, that sounds like Charlie was looking quite pulchritudinous, much like that varrry pre-ttyy girl I thought I had a date with… but it turned out to be my landlord in deeeesguise…” Allan pointed out with a strange smile.

Glep murmured out a joke about how it didn’t take much to get to first base with Allan with just a simple disguise … and Charlie was rolling with furious laughter, holding onto his stomach.

“Wasn’t that funny…” Allan remarked.

“You can’t even tell if the guy blushed or not because he’s red all the time!” Charlie said in between gurgles of tear-filled laughter.

Suddenly, Charlie was face to face with an eyeful of Allan. He took Charlie’s hand and placed it on his face.

“Oh you’ll know if I blusssh… feel how warm my face is?” Allan whispered.

Charlie jumped up, blushing a dark red now, yelling, “Hey, man, boundaries! That’s not cool.” Of course, everyone howled with laughter afterwards.

They all scattered after that, having an awkward moment, but recovered quickly and drank a few more drinks and beers. After they left, Charlie confided in Pim.

“I’m sorry, but something’s off with the dude. Like Allan really is chill most of the time, but he has zero social awareness!” Charlie said flatly.

Pim agreed. “Allan is a bit of an odd duck, sure. But, he is still one of us.”

“By the way, did you notice that long word he said? What does that mean …like did he…” Charlie chuckled, touching the back of his neck nervously, “was he comparing me to his date?”

Pim looked confused for a second but snapped his finger, “Oh! He said pulchritudinous. That means something very attractive. I think.”

“I’ll look it up later, I guess.”

They said goodbye as Pim went to his house, and Charlie kept walking to his apartment which was only a few blocks away.

“Heeey.”

He hears the soft monotone voice and instantly recognizes it.

He turns around, “Oh, Allan. Hey. What’s up?”

Allan frowns, “Do you want me to be your smiling friend?”

Charlie laughs but sees Allan has a completely serious look.

“Uh, um. Ok?”

Allan grins. “Ok. Only if you are sad or need a smile. Byeee!”

Charlie squints like he was trying to fine tune his memory, wondering if that really happened after they left the bar.

He goes to work in a shamble of well-worn clothes from yesterday, a sour expression and a very long job that takes forever. A man who was desperate to smile but had a nerve disorder that didn’t let him physically smile. But, they somehow made him smile with his “eyes,” and that counted. Or something. Who knew? Charlie sure didn’t because he was still thinking about all the weird interactions and incidents that felt either like a dream or half-baked high. Like a currant, crimson dream that wrapped up his mind in red velvet.

Pim started laughing for no reason, and Charlie looked at him questioningly.

“Huh? What’s funny? Was it the guy that couldn’t physically smile cause he turned out to be such a wholesome person, man,” Charlie said off-handedly.

Pim shook his head. “No, when you burned your mouth. Remember? And Allan tried to, “resuscitate you,” remember?”

Charlie shook his head. “Fu—fuck no. I don’t remember that. Not at all!” He put his hands up like he was either getting arrested or giving a truce to some angry dude at a party.

Pim shook his head, “Charlie, you weren’t that black out drunk. Like Allan kept saying he wanted to make you smile. Like all night! And you complained about your fries being cold… and he got you really hot ones…”

Charlie felt heat creep up his stomach to his neck and cheeks. “Oh, shit. Yeah. I remember it kinda. Like my mouth hurts and shit.”

“It was funny at first. You shoved those burning hot fries down like a starving animal! Hah. Then, he thought you couldn’t breathe. I thought he was just trying to make a pass you.”

Charlie frowned, “No. No. That isn’t it. He was so weird last night. After you went home, he went to ask me if he could be my smiling friend or something. I didn’t really care so I said yes.”

“I mean, it looked like something that felt…” Pim started and Charlie talked over him.

“Don’t you kiss everyone on the mouth though, Pim? Like that’s your weird little thing you do. Even with your dad!” Charlie growled.

Pim shrugged. “I dunno, Charlie. It’s not the same thing.”

“Allan is the type of guy who tries to help people but everything turns out worse!” Charlie snubbed, but covered his mouth, feeling hotter as they walked home.

Pim shrugged again. “You sure didn’t seem worse last night.”

The next few days, whenever Charlie would complain about something or be upset, Allan would be there immediately. Like creepily fast.

“Damn socks suck! It’s like a goblin comes in every night and sneaks in my sock drawer to make holes in them!” Charlie said offhandedly.

Allan comes running in the break room with a bloody knife, breathing fast.

Charlie stands up, “Whoa!! What the fuck!”

“I… killed him, Charlie. The goblin that makes holes in your socks. Are you pleased?” Allan says with a gleam in his eye.

Charlie yells, “What! No! You can’t kill someone over socks! I don’t actually think a goblin would do that…”

Pim freaks out, going behind Charlie as Allan is still brandishing the bloody knife.

“Holy shit Charlie, Allan is sure taking making you smile seriously!” Pim yells, hyperventilating.

“Well I do take my jobs varrry seriously,” Allan winks at Charlie. Glep gives Allan a thumbs up and Mr. Boss gives Allan the seal of approval for being a stand-in for an official Smiling Friend.

“Great job, chief!” Mr. Boss pats Allan on the back.

“But, the one person who did not give me the seal of approval is the only one I need it from,” Allan sadly says.

After a quick break outside to calm down and smoke, Charlie walks in.

“Dude you have to calm down. I get that you want to make me smile but I’m freaking out. Please, don’t try to make me smile. Please,” Charlie pleads.

“Never mind. I was only trying to create a salubrious feeling of aliveness to your sad face. I guess my multiple attempts were stale. You didn’t look pulchritudinous in your knight attire, after all, either. Pim showed me a picture, you merely looked boyishly handsome. Good bye.”

Charlie was left dumbfounded by this.

“Oh and by the way, I’m sorry! And about the fries!” Allan says, upset, throwing cold fries at Charlie.

“Where’d he get those fries from?” Pim asks, a little grossed out.

Charlie picked up a fry, eating it. He didn’t quite smile, but it was like a smile. Maybe.