Safety Instructions

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Flight 999 on Egress Airlines, flying from Montreal to Vancouver. Our altitude will soon reach 50,000 feet (don’t ask us to go metric on that one, ha ha), and we will arrive at our destination late in the evening of Friday the 13th. Many of you with a superstitious nature might find that an uncomfortable fact, but please appreciate that we are pilots and handle this sort of thing all the time. No worries!

At this moment, our flight attendants will demonstrate the procedures to follow in case of an emergency during our flight. Please note that there is a guide in the pocket in front of you and you can follow along as Laura and Leslie demonstrate the different procedures. As many of you may have guessed , they are sisters. Twin sisters, in fact. A very interesting fact…

Now, please make sure that your seat belt fits snugly across your waist, and that if you are flying with any children, you adjust your seat belt first before you help them remain secure in their seats. I assume that Laura would help Leslie with her belt, since Laura is two hours older that her sister. How they managed that, I do not know…

Now, your seat cushion can act like a flotation device in case of a water landing. Since we are flying over the Canadian Shield soon, a possible landing on water seems unlikely, although you may notice the Great Lakes below us soon. Do take some time to note the size of the lakes and how peaceful they seem today. We have never had a moment where we were forced to make such a landing, but anything is possible…like twin sisters on one plane. Ha, ha…

Yes, the exits are located both at the front and the back of both aisles, two per side in Economy and one per side in Business. And let’s be honest now: we mean First Class and Second Class when we use those terms and no one believes otherwise. Am I right? Leslie and I were arguing about this in a hotel the other day… Remember that one, Les? And yeah, if you were to open those doors up here, you would be sucked out of here like one of those things from that movie with Sigourney Weaver… What was that one again? She was not dressed in that scene…

Anyway, don’t do it.

Air masks will drop from the ceiling in the case of a loss of cabin pressure. Please make sure to put yours on first before…yeah, how many of you are travelling with kids, anyway? Did not see many when you were boarding, but remember, put yours on first. They will be a little tricky to put on if you aren’t paying attention to the exact procedure, and kids hate it when you have to make them do anything, am I right? Maybe Leslie will be better putting on a mask than Laura. Just a little inside joke, folks. Will talk about that with you later for the curious ones…

When...I mean, if the plane does make an emergency landing, slides will inflate and project out of the plane. And yes, for those of you looking at the pamphlet, they can be a lot of fun. Just don’t start thinking that we all enjoy them when there are no passengers around. Laura and Leslie have never done anything too crazy on the plane. May have some stories to tell after our flights, right, ladies…? Ha, ha…

Uh, that noise you just heard was Laura responding to my comments about her and the slide. That slap might have sounded a little louder over the intercom, but I can assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that we have handled such situations before and things will go smoothly on our flight. Please enjoy your flight and be careful with any budding relationships you feel may be developing on this trip. Anything can happen.

Thank you for reading!

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