Run, Run, Run,

THERAPY NOTES

Session #2

DATE OF SESSION

⁸/⁰⁶/²⁰⁰¹

_________________________________

CLIENT NAME

Angus Creed

_________________________________

PRESENTING PROBLEM

__________

_________________________________

SESSION NOTES:

Had no desire to stay throughout the planned duration of the session, left 15 minutes in.

Client was briefly unresponsive before exiting, and told me to 'up, just shut up', laughed briefly, no reasonable stimuli beforehand.

Client experienced rapid eye movement at times, and seemed very detached.

Seemed like he was mentally somewhere else.

_________________________________

CLIENT PARTICIPATION: (check all that apply)

☐ active ☐ non-verbal, but engaged

☑ withdrawn ☐ no apparent interest

☐ disruptive

☐ leadership ☐ offered feedback

☐ supportive ☑ not supportive

CLIENT BEHAVIOUR: (check all that apply)

☐ stable ☐ depressed

☑ anxious ☐ sad

☐ angry ☐ euphoric

☑ irritable

☑ other: difficult to define _

_________________________________

MAIN POINTS OF DISCUSSION: S.O.A.P.

☑ Ask for client's perspective, reported feelings

☑ Discuss factual observations, body language

☐ Request clarification if necessary

☐ Assess client's progress on overall treatment

☐ Plan homework and goals for next meeting

Notes: __________

_________________________________

The man in a crisp white dress shirt

and an olive V-neck sweater vest

with a dark tie

and framed prescription glasses

resting above his nose bridge

now asymmetric

because of the motion

of his lips

muted

drowned out

imperceivable

a battle

of sound

lost

within my eardrums

No—within, my—

sensory input, an output producing its own input

multiple consciousness

there's

"Angus."

only oneHe's looking at you weirdly

why is he looking at you like that

he wants to hurt you

in my head

its all in my head

these voices i hear i hear them all the time beside me above me

inside the ceiling

below

me

the floor boards, yet i look down further

inside my chest

concealed

grey jacket, well-worn a gift

drawstrings

if you pull it

you know what will happen then, don't you? yes you doʰᵉ ʷⁱˡˡ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ʰⁱᵈⁱⁿᵍ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ

distressedᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉⁿ ʰᵉ ʷⁱˡˡ ᶠⁱⁿᵈ ᵒᵘᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉwₕₐₜ ₜₕₑₙ wₕₐₜ ₜₕₑₙ circumstance

"Angus"

generous pocketsⁿⁱᶜᵉ, ᶜᵒⁿᵛᵉⁿⁱᵉⁿᵗ ʰᵒˡᵉˢ

to hide my handsₜₕₐₜ ₛₒᵤₙdₛ ₛₒ wᵣₒₙg, ₘₐₙ

my

hands

that give it all away

hide your hand hide them so

he doesn't see

so the man with the prescription glasses can't read

me

he knowsｈeｋｎoｗｓ ｈｅｋｎｏｗs ｈｅｋｎｏｗs

he can read your ｔt ｔ ｈooｕｇｈh ts

"Angus, son, are you listening?"

he calls me 'son'',' a thing a dad would' and 'should''' declar'e'

dead

dead to me

"Come on, boy. Wake up."

i am stillˢᵗⁱˡˡl

i am unmovingᵤₙₘₒᵥᵢₙg

i am unchanginguₙcₕₐₙgᵢₙg

i feel my ⓔyⓔs

stare holes

into the fʟoor

i can't remember when i looked awayʷᵃⁿᵗˢ ᵗᵒ ʰᵉˡᵖ ᵐᵉ

from himᵐʸ ᵗʰᵉʳᵃᵖⁱˢᵗ, ᵐʸ ᵗʰᵉʳᵃᵖⁱˢᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗˢ ᵗᵒ ʰᵉˡᵖ ᵐᵉ, ᵐʸ ᵗʰᵉʳᵃᵖⁱˢᵗ ʷ ᵃ ⁿ ᵗˢ ᵗᵒ

ʷᵃⁿᵗˢ ᵗᵒ ʰᵉˡᵖ ᵐᵉi feel a

smₐll ˢᵉⁿˢᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ

a consistent sensation, patting my shoulder

my shoulder

upon it

a handʰᵉ

warm and not quite welcomingʰᵉ

a hand, That belongs to my therapist.ʰᵉ, ᵐʸ ᵗʰᵉʳᵃᵖⁱˢᵗ, ʷᵃⁿᵗˢ ᵗᵒ ʰᵉˡᵖ ᵐᵉ

"Angus, are you listening? can you hear me?"

angus angus angus

angusₛₕᵤₜ ᵤₚ this

angus that

just

shutₛₕᵤₜ ᵤₚₛₕᵤₜ ᵤₚₛₕᵤₜ ᵤₚˢʰᵘᵗᵤₚˢʰᵘᵗ ˢʰᵘᵗ ˢʰᵘᵗ ˢʰᵘᵗᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚᵤₚ

''upᵘᵖᵘᵖᵘᵖᵘᵖSᴴᵁᵀ ᵁᴾ

"'⃝    '⃝

🄸🄳🄸🄾🅃

can't you string together a sentence?ʰᵃʰᵃʰᵃʰ

What an idiotstuₚᵢd

"just shut up"

shut up

just shut the hell up

shut upʰᵃhaʰᵃₕₐ ʰᵃʰᵃ

shut up

shut up

ₕₐₕₐₕₐʰᵃ

ₕₐ ₕₐₕ ₐʰᵃʰᵃ ʰᵃ

ʰᵃʰᵃha ha haʰᵃ ʰᵃ ʰᵃʰᵃₕₐ ₕₐ

ₕₐₕₐʰᵃʰᵃʰᵃʰᵃʰᵃ''ha

"ʰᵃʰᵃ ₕₐₕₕʰₐₕ

No, but i'm not smiling

i'm not laughing, but that's not true anymore

ʰᵃhaʰᵃₕₐ ʰᵃʰᵃ

though more so,ₛₜᵤₚᵢdₛₜᵤₚᵢᵈₛₜᵤₚᵢddᵤₘbₒₒₒₒ

the ghost of a laughʰᵃ

of ghosts that evoke a sense of nostalgia

ˢᵗᵘᵖⁱᵈˢᵗᵘᵖⁱᵈˢdᵤₘbˢᵗᵘᵖⁱᵈˢᵗᵘᵖⁱᵈsI don't wanna think about it.

the impalpable wₕₑᵣₑ'd yₒᵤᵣ bᵣₐᵢₙ gₒ

always whisperingₗₒᵤᵤᵤᵤd in the foreground

ｌloｕｄ,

booming commandments

rapture this reality show

this damned joke that is my reality

heart

rhythmic pumps

and straining self-restrain me

exterior to my internals

empty

unresponsive

and deliberate

"...I can see that you are very distressed, right now."

in my head

war rages

screaming

muttering

lunacy

hysterics engulfing my

nothing and everything

all at once

all in my mind

all in my head

all an illusion

all a delusion

the voices

in your head

its all in your head

its allf⃞    a⃞    k⃞    e⃞

"i need to leave"

the man winces

the sound that comes

escapes from my throat

is raspy

and bare

like a foal made of sandpaper, struggling to stand

"i want to leave, now, sir."

I look up

and I see

through coarse black strands of unkempt hair

of ink threads not sewn into my scalp

but grownᵇᵘᵗ ⁱ'ᵐ ᵃᵐᵃᶻⁱⁿᵍ, ᵃʳᵉⁿ'ᵗ ⁱ

yₑₐₕ, fₒᵣcₑ ʸᵒᵘʳˢᵉˡᶠ ₜₒ ₜₕᵢₙₖ gₒₒd ₜₕₒᵤgₕₜₛ "Ah,"

"Well, I haven't assigned your referral yet..."

"You look ill."ᵗʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ᵃˡˡ ʸᵒᵘ ᶜᵃⁿ ᵈᵒ

referral

You hear that?

They're gonna send you somewhere horrible

your ｉｌｌᵗʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ᵃˡˡ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

ᵃˡˡ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ⁱˢ░they're gonna give you🅿🅸🅻🅻🆂

pill popper

down the hatch

haᵃʰᵃ

ᵃʰᵃhᵃʰᵃaᵃʰᵃᵃʰᵃᵃʰᵃᵃʰᵃ

ʰᵃi swallow

despite an empty throat𝕥𝕥𝕥𝕥𝕥𝕥ʰᵃᵃʰᵃ

ʰᵃᵃ"Angus, are you alright? I think you need help."ʰᵃ

Hᵉᵃʳ th𝘢t?ʰᵃʰᵃ

i don't need help

i never have, i can handle myself. I have controlᵈᵒ ʸᵒᵘ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᵒʰ,ⁿᵒʸᵒᵘᵈᵒⁿᵗ

ᵈᵉˡᵘˢⁱᵒⁿᵃˡi look down again

ˢᴴᵁᵀ ᵁᴾdownₛₕᵤₜ ᵤₚ

downₛₕᵤₜ ᵤₚ

𝕚 𝕒𝕞 𝕗𝕚𝕟𝕖 ⁱ ᵃᵐ ᶠⁱⁿᵉmy sneakers

whiteⁱ ᵃᵐ ᶠⁱₙᵉ

purity stained with experience ᵒⁿᵉ ᶠᵒᵒᵗ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍʳᵃᵛᵉ

the chair groans as i push it out from beneath me

the creases in my shoes darken when i stand

the

dirt

smothersᵒⁿᵉᵒⁿᵉ ᶠᵒᵒᵗ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍʳᵃᵃᵛᵉ

as my foot adjusts ᵒⁿᵉ ᶠᵒᵒᵗ ᵗʷᵒ ᶠᵒᵒᵗᶠᵒᵒᵗᶠᵒᵒᵗᶠᵒᵒᵗ

cross contamination

of filthⁱ ᵃᵐ ᶠⁱⁿᵉ

into this sterilised environment

this clean, peaceful officeʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ᶠⁱⁿᵉ this lꪱׁׅe

disgustiⁿgᵒⁿᵉ ᶠᵒᵒᵗ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍʳᵃᵃᵃᵃᵃᵛᵉ

"Angus, please sit back down. Are you feeling okay?"ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ᶠⁱⁿᵉ

ⁱ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈˡᵉᵗʰⁱᵐʰᵒˡᵈᵐʸᵍˡᵃˢˢ ᵒᶠ ʷᵃᵗᵉʳr

up up up

at his feathered eyesᵏⁱⁿᵈᵏⁱⁿᵈᵏⁱⁿᵈ

They are kind eyes,

concerned eyes

m𝚊licious eyes—

—m𝚊nipulatiᏁng ᴍᴇ—

"Angus?"

his voice is grumbly

nod nod nod, barely memorable gestures

i have to give

You're being influenced

Can't you see

you're being managed

don't you know

You think he's a good man?

You think he's trying to help you?

You think he cares?ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ᶠⁱⁿᵉ

ᴴᴱ ᵂᴬᴺᵀˢ ᵀᴼ ℍ𝕌ℝ𝕋 ʏᴏᴜ

CAN'T YOU TELLʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ᶠⁱⁿᵉ

look ａｇａｉｎ

leaveⁱ ᵃᵐ ᵒᵏ

don't sit down

walkⁱ ᵃᵐ ᵃˡʳⁱᵍʰᵗ

around the chair, around the archⁱ ᵃᵐ ˢᵃⁿᵉ

i look again at the doorframe

my gaze intertwines

with a swirling vortex

the man takes a step towards meℕ𝕆ᴺᴼᴺᵒᴺᵒⁿᵒⁿᵒ

"Angus—"

slam

the door

shut

out of sight

out of mind

out of my

deafening

blaring mind

walk

ignore

the polite receptionist woman,

who fares me well

as i pass the staring eyes in the lobby

all looking

right

ᵗʰʳᵒᵘᵍʰ

ａｔ

me

ignore

𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚎𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘠 𝙒𝘼𝙉𝙏TO

I don't wanna think about it. I don't wanna think about it.I don't wanna think about it. Not anymore. You're justｐａｒａnoidρꪮ꠸ᦔ𝒹walk faster𝕗𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕤𝕥𝕤𝕥𝕤𝕥𝕥

pu𝕝𝕧𝕖sh ope𝕝n the ex-entrance now exit𝕝𝕧𝕧𝕖𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕧𝕖

sprint

down the flimsy stairs of rotting oaks

doors bang shut behind me run run run

a head start before it opens again

and they spill out to chase you

can't you ｆeeｌ 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵?

run run run

run run run

look behind you

run run run

run run run

an escape in running

Yoꪊ𝕒𝕣𝕖 ᵒᵏᵃʸ

peace

in pieces

in fragments of my shattered reflection, staring back at me in the sky

littered with unsatisfied clouds

striking down on me with a force reduced into a scientific phenomenon

sprint

through the iron gates

rusted and ancient and creaking as they barge them open

they': my hands, they', which are bare

flood into the street

the sandpaper foal trips over its own feet

keep on tripping over

run run run

if it means I can be somewhere other than here

Is that better than nothingᵐᵃʸᵇᵉ

beaten up shoes against beaten up pavement

except concrete can't bruise

thudding of feet against it

a sound I've long come to familiarise myself with

ignore

ignoreᵉ

the bystanders on the streets

the watchful eyes

fixated on you

with horrifying precision

watching me

with

every

blink

passing me

with

every

ˢˢˢˢˢˢstep

mourn the absence in my hands░h░o░r░r░i░f░i░e░d░

░o░f░

░m░y░s░e░l░f░that i can only wish was taken up with aᵃ

with myᵐⁱⁿᵉ

with yoursʷⁱᵗʰ ʸᵒᵘ

with a self regarding pronoun

i wish I had the cameraⁱᵐˢⁱᶜᵏᵒᶠᵐᵉ ⁱ ᵐ ˢⁱᶜᵏ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ⁱ ʷⁱˢʰ ⁱ ʷᵃˢ ʸᵒᵘ ᶠᵒʳ ᵃ ᶜʰᵃⁿᵍᵉ

'the'

wᵢₛₕ ᵢ wₐₛ wᵢₜₕreferring to an object of uniqueness or importance that cannot be replacedʸᵒᵘ

maybe this would all disappearʸᵒᵘʸᵒᵘʸᵒᵘ

maybeⁱᵗˢ ᵃˡˡ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ʸᵒᵘit would all end

on the film of a single frame footageᶜˡⁱᶜᵏ ᶜˡⁱᶜᵏ

My route includes a rock unaccounted forᵒᵘᵘᵘᶜʰ

a failure provocationₕₐₕₐₕₐ

run run run

pick myself up again

run run run i feel my lungs

on the brink of bursting

run run run

broken past the bʀʀʀʀɛɛɛɛɛɛąąƙing point

constant saturation point

aberrant salience

a fucking torture disease

not disease

condition

or is it

disorder?ᵗʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ᵃ ᵛᵉʳʸ ᵍᵒᵒᵈ qᵘᵉˢᵗⁱᵒⁿ

ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ˢᵒ ʷⁱˢᵉAngus, I talked with your mother. Angus, she told me about your symptoms before this session, Angus, I have reason to believe you have a very peculiar

was it condition? or disorderʰᵃʰᵃ, ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘ ᵛᵉʳʸ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ʰᵐᵉʰᵐʰᵐ

i forgot

peculiar something, peculiar peculiarᵖᵉᶜᵘˡⁱᵃʳᵖᵉᶜᵘˡⁱᵃʳᵖᵉᶜᵘˡⁱᵃʳ

how very peculiar

Angusᵃⁿⁿⁿᵍᵘᵘᵘˢ, ᶜᵃⁿ ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵉᵃʳ ᵐᵉ ᵃⁿᵍᵘˢ ᵉᵃʳᵗʰ ᵗᵒ ᵃⁿᵍᵘˢ you just love running, don't youᵒʰ ʸᵉˢ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒ

your always afraid, aren't youᵒʰ ʸᵉˢ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

but thats okay

because you are tooʰᵒᵗᵗᵉˢᵗ ᵈᵉᵃᶠ ᵍᵘʸ

cause your in my headᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵉⁿᵗᵘʳʸ!

ʷᵒʷⁱᵉyour all in my headᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘ, ᵗʰᵒᵐᵃˢ. ʷʰᵒ ⁱˢ ᵗʰᵒᵐᵃˢ?

i feel botheredᵗʰᵒᵐᵃˢ ⁱˢ ᵐᵉ, ˢⁱˡˡʸ

constantly

afraid

thats okayｉｓ ｉｔ ｈａｒｄ ｔｏ ｆｏｃｕｓ ｙｅｔ？

ₕₐₕₐ yₑₐₕ, No, it's not

a⃞    w⃞    w⃞    w⃞    w⃞ he thinks its okay

ha ha haʰᵃʰᵃ

delusional

delusional

No you can't,

sonny boy

oh loooook a bird𝒷𝒾𝓇𝒹𝒷𝒾𝓇𝒹𝒷𝒾𝓇𝒹𝒷𝒾𝓇𝒹 just stop

just stop and just shut up

eaｒpḻ̶̺͌̓̓̐ugｓ ｗo̴̢̯̝̺̻̠̿́̈́̐̿͗͊̏̓͂nt s̸͕̠̀͂̓̓̊͘͘olv̵͇̕͘e̴̺̫̕̕ t̸̡̩͓͍̯͓̓͛̇̐̆̉͜hi̶̡̧͈̬͚̣̩͕̩͈͐͋s̶̩̱͕̦͉͙͙̹͙̍̆͊͂̊́͆̓̈͜ ̵̹̣̪̺̺͗̃̕one

just

is it a dove?ᶜʳᵒʷˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵇᵉᵗᵗᵉʳₜ,ᵈᵒᵛᵉˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵃˡˡ ᵖᵒᵐᵖᵘˢ, run run run run

just

am I panicked'ᵒᵒʰ, ˡᵒᵒᵏ ᵃᵗ ᵐᵉ, ⁱᵐ ᶠᵉᵃᵗᵘʳᵉᵈ ⁱⁿ ᶜᴴᴿⁱˢᵀᵐᵃˢ ᵃᴸᵇᵁᴹˢ', ᵃˢˢʰᵒˡᵉˢ

my breathing outpacedᵖᵒᵐᵖᵘˢ ᵇᵘᵐˢ

uneven

drag my legs after one another

like an overused train exhaustᶜʰᵒᵒ ᶜʰᵒᵒ

run run run run

past the krispy kreme placeʸᵘᵐ ʸᵘᵐ

ˡᵉᵗˢ ᵈᵒ ᵗʷᵒ ᵒᶠ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸ ʷᵒʳᵈthat's around the block of the apartments

around wₕₑₙ dₒ wₑ ₛₜₐᵣₜ?the blockʷʰᵉⁿ ᵈᵒ ʸᵒᵘ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ? ʳⁱᵍʰᵗ ᶠᵘᶜᵏⁱⁿᵍ ⁿᵒʷ, ᵈᵘᵐᵇᵒ

donutᵒʰ ᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᵒⁿ, ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ᵇⁱᵍ ᵛᵒᶜᵃᵇᵘˡᵃʳʸs ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵘᵇˢᵗⁱᵗᵘᵗᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ˢˡᵘʳˢ? ˢʰᵘᵗ ᵘᵖ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵈᵉᵃˡ ʷⁱᵗʰ ⁱᵗ

lets go get someʸᵒᵘ ˢˡᵘʳ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵈᵃʸ, ʰʸᵖᵒᶜʳⁱᵗᵉ

shut up,ʷʰᵉⁿ ᵈⁱᵈ ʷᵉ ˢᵃʸ

and prioritiseʸᵒᵘ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈ ᵉⁿᵗᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵒⁿᵛᵉʳˢᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ?ℙℝ𝕀𝕆ℝ𝕀𝕋𝕀𝕊𝔼ᵒᵏ ᵒᵏ ᵒᵏʸᵉˢ ˢⁱʳ

Aroundʷʰᵉⁿ'ᵈʸᵒᵘ ᵇᵉᶜᵒᵐᵉ ˢᵘᶜʰ ᵃ ᵏⁱˡˡʲᵒʸthe block,ˢʰᵘᵗ ᵘᵖˢʰᵘᵗ ᵘᵖˢʰᵘᵗ ᵘᵖˢʰᵘᵗ ᵘᵖˢʰᵘᵗ ᵘᵖdₒₙₜ ₜₑₗₗ ₘₑ ₜₒ ₛₕᵤₜ ᵤₚ

the tenement ahead

ｈｏｍｅ

i see i wheeze

i stumble

to the fire escape

drilled into the side of the complex

welcome home

sonny ᵇᵒʸ

stopped at the railing,

my forearms tight against the stomach

it's not humorous, but i'm laughing

I probably look insane

I probably sound insaneihear insane

'run run run' that's all you can do, right?

hunched over myself, one hand gripped around the metal

bitter cold, folded like a lawn chair

liquefying plastic in a potent post-modern heat

despite the hyperthermia tearing chunks from my body temperature

in a cold winter

my feet throbbing in a rhythm

a Locrian dominant

tune tritonic in all it's shitty gloryᵐᵒᵐ ˢᵃʸˢ ʸᵒᵘ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ˢʷᵉᵃʳbᵤₜ ₛₕₑₛ ₙₒₜ ₕₑᵣₑ ᵣᵢgₕₜ ₙₒw

another penny in the cookie jarₙₒₜ ₐₚₚₗᵢcᵢₐbₗₑʸᵒᵘ ˢᵒᵘⁿᵈ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᶜⁱᵉⁿᶜᵉ ᵗᵉᵃᶜʰᵉʳ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ʸᵉᵃʳ ˢⁱˣ

ₕₐᵣₛₕ, ₘᵤcₕʰᵉ ˢᵘᶜᵏˢᵢ ₖₙₒwa donut jar would be way betterʷᵃʸʸʸ ᵇᵉᵗᵗᵉʳ

Losing breathᵗʰᵉʳᵉˢ ᵃ ᵗᵉʳᵐⁱᵗᵉ ᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍʳᵒᵘⁿᵈₕₑy ᵢₜₛ cᵤₜₑ

ᵃʷin out in out

up down up down'ᵃᴺᵍᵘˢ ˢᵗᴼᴾ ᴱᴬᵀᴵᴺᴳ ᵗʰᵉ ᴱQᵁᴵᴾᴹᴱᴺᵀ'wₕₐₜ ₜₕₑ ₕₑₗₗ

ₜₕₑ ₛcᵢₑₙcₑ ₜₑₐcₕₑᵣ ₙₑᵥₑᵣ ₛₐᵢd ₜₕₐₜover the mountainⁱ ᵐᵃᵈᵉ ⁱᵗ ᵘᵖᶠᵒʳ 'ᵈʳᵃᵐᵃᵗⁱᶜ ᵉᶠᶠᵉᶜᵗ'ₜₕₐₜₛ ₙₒₜ ₑᵥₑₙ ₒᵣᵢgᵢₙₐₗᵍⁱᵛᵉ ᵐᵉ ᵃ ᵇʳᵉᵃᵏ, ʲᵃᶜᵏᵃˢˢwₕₑₙ'd wₑ ₛₜₐᵣₜ ₛₗᵤᵣᵣᵢₙg ₐgₐᵢₙ?

that is your pinkie finger

over the index

climb the middle, over the pointer

slide around the nook between my thumb

repeat

count your breaths

in outᵖʰᵉʷ in outᵖʰᵉʷ

Deep breath in,

deep breath out.ᵖʰᵉʷ

beaten up sneakers trudge across beaten up concreteʷᵃⁱᵗ

but we've been here beforeᵇᵘᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵖᵃˢˢᵉᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵗᵃⁱʳˢʰᵒᵐᵉ ⁱˢ ᵇᵉʰⁱⁿᵈ ʸᵒᵘ

but i've felt like this before

but i've gotten this feeling

like i'm being followed

before

but I'm not walking up the stairs

but I'm not going homewₑ ₐᵣₑₙₜ gₒᵢₙg ₕₒₘₑ No,

I'm walking away

walking away to indulge in my head, a taste unsweetened, behind the complex

in around the bricks

beside a

disgusting dumpster

disgusting hands;,,,

they aren't really disgusting

they just tremble too much

i

can't have Mom seeing

she just worries too much

my therapist worries for a different reason, worries for his for his career for my resent which plagues me since last visit

on the ground, knees against the synthetic grey chest

pull up the hoodie to hide my hair

pull the drawstrings

hands over my head,

bracing for impact

that i fear

that will never arrive.

bedridden in a cold sweat, a bed which sounds promising

the promise of sleep sounds nice.

The shadows

are ｓｔretching

ᴀɴᴅ dꪱׁׅ꯱ׁׅ֒tׁׅᨵׁׅꭈׁׅtiꪀׁׅg ahead of me

close my 🅴y🅴s

i don't wanna think about ityₒᵤ ₙₑᵥₑᵣ dₒ

curled up like those animals i used to see on TV

before my favourite program, it usually played national geographics. Those animals with tire prints imbedded into some sort of bony skin

no,ₙₒⁿᵒⁿᵒⁿᵒⁿᵒⁿᵒ

they can't always survive being run over

the cartoons always sugar-coated itˢᵘᵍᵃʳ ᵃⁿᵈ ʳᵉᵃˡⁱˢᵃᵗⁱᵒⁿ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵉ ⁱⁿ ᶠˡᵃᵗᵗᵉʳⁱⁿᵍ ᶜᵒˡᵒᵘʳˢ

Armadillos𝕒𝕣𝕞𝕒𝕕𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕠𝕤ａｒｍａｄｉｌｌｏｓᵃʳᵐᵃᵈⁱˡˡᵒˢₐᵣₘₐdᵢₗₗₒₛ

ₐᵣₘₐdᵢₗₗₒₛthat's what they're called

i think i like spiders betteryₑₐₕ

donutsⁱ ˡᵒᵒᵒᵛᵉ ᵈᵒⁿᵘᵗˢ are way better than those thoughʸᵉᵃʰ

no no 𝒩𝒪

donuts aren't animals

dumbass

piece of s⃞    h⃞    i⃞    t⃞

be nice, be niceⁿᵒᵗ ⁿⁱᶜᵉ, ᵇᵉ ᵏⁱⁿᵈ

your hands are beautiful todayᵏⁱⁿᵈⁿᵉˢˢ

i wait in this solitude, i listen to the voices

what kind of compliment is thatwₕₐₜ ₖᵢₙd ₒf cₒₘₚₗᵢₘₑₙₜ ᵢₛ ₜₕₐₜᵃ ᶜᵒᵐᵖˡⁱᵐᵉⁿᵗ ᵏⁱⁿᵈ, ᵗʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ

as they slowly grad𝕘𝕣𝕒𝕕ually

subside,

tears

stream down my cheeks sparse

and numb

overwhelm my senses with the word 'lack' and take away the noise again

leave me with silence, and myself,

company i have always preferred.

a mucus restraining order in the form of a sniffle, usually reserved for pitiful Hollywood children on set

the concrete i sit above, the brick i lean against, damp, and cold

so, so, so very cold and so, so dark

the friend i'm dreaming of

swinging around

in the playground

waiting for

who once was, what is now,

/ˌparəˈnɔɪə/ — a state of mind where a person holds an intense, unreasonable fear or belief that others are trying to harm, deceive, or plot against them.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Ah, hello. Is this Angus's mother?"

"Yes. Who are you?"

"I'm Gregory Hut, your son's therapist"

"Oh, you're him, are you?"

"Yes—"

"Did something happen? You know, I seriously have no idea what's been going on with him lately. He-"

"Ahem. No, ma'am, nothing happened. Actually, that's why I'm calling."

"What?"

"Is your son home right now?"

"Uh—yeah. He's in his room. He left your appointment a few hours ago?"

"You see, he actually left only ten minutes into our session. He left much longer than a few hours ago.", "And I was unable to conclude our planned session. I need to talk to him."

"Miss? Are you still there?"

"Oh, yes, sorry about that. What happened?"

"...I'm afraid I cannot elaborate, for legal reasons."

"For legal reasons? I'm his mother, I can't not know"

"Ma'am, your son is old enough to be recognised as a legal adult. I cannot disclose any information without my client's written consent"

"Oh, please. He's barely a year over eighteen!"

"...If you would really like to help him, please hand the phone over, please."

"...Alright."

Down, down, goes the phone

"Angus"

"... ANGUS!"

"Angus, get out here—you have a call!"

"Angus?"

Down, down, " " goes the woman

"ANGUS"

Down, down, goes the boy

Down, down, keep it down, down,ꜱʜʜʜʜʜʜ

I always used to watch those paranormal shows.

when i was younger,

and my dad was still around

The ones where they go into abandoned houses, those run-down restaurants and god-forsaken churches

They'd get out their EMF readers, and swat them around

it'd light up vermillion

and i'd sit up a little straighter

Then followed by wailing from the woman who claimed she could feel a 'presence'. lots of banging. doors, floorboards, drawers flung out

cabinet hinges loosened, resembling their sanity if the events hadn't been staged, then

something would appear }materialized from thin air

a disfigured creature of translucence

with arms as long as their legs and legs as long as the wall̴̨̨͚̄̓s, hunched over, spine crooked and protruding from marred skin

gravelly breaths

mingling with the group's collective theatrics of fear

Then mom would walk in, flick my nose. A gentle thing

"They aren't real. They're paid actors."

"Come on, your old enough to realise that by now, aren't you?"

i don't think I ever said anything back. It was a long time ago.

There are holes through the film

where my nails

have punctured through the paper

delicate

like petals of a pale rose

decorated with hollowed gashes

letting the light bleed through

borderline generous

not overlooked

ignored

the volume of the voices subside

and now I'm left with pieces, the occasional shreds of speech, torn apart qualia - whispered

not into my ear,

but originating from their place of perceivement. Something i often misunderstand, but, justified.

The camera is chilly

cold to the touch

a gift for me, belonging to me

frost

biting the fingers that hold it so particularly

as I sit behind a tree, embedded inside a patch of grass surrounded by concrete

Grass is not bruising, but it can easily disturb

Today, i took a picture of a Lilyₛₕₑₛ ₛₒ ₛₕyⁱᵐ ˢʰʸ ᵗᵒᵒwₑ cₒᵤₗd bₑ ₛₕy ᵗᵒᵍᵉᵗʰᵉʳ𝒹𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓂 𝑜𝓃,

ᵢₜₛ 𝒹𝑒𝓁𝓊𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃𝒶𝓁 ᵗᵒ ᵇᵉ looking through the viewfinder, adjusting the focus so the image is sharp, pressing the shutter button,ᶜˡⁱᶜᵏ ᶜˡⁱᶜᵏ

Voila Is Not A Girl,

Voila is a declaration

of presentation

perhaps it's French for 'behold'ₛₕₑ ᵢₛ ₛₒ ₚₑᵣfₑcₜᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ⁱ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈ ˢᵉⁿᵈ ʰᵉʳ ᵃ ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ ʰᵉᵃʳᵗ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵐʸ ᵇʳᵃⁱⁿ ᵗᵉˡᵉᵖᵃᵗʰʸ? ₙₒ? ʷʰʸ ⁿᵒᵗ? ₕₒₚₑₗₑₛₛ dᵤₘbₐₛₛ

standing shy beside her friends on the pathway stretching inside and around the dormitory

Lily of the valley Is A Girl

A Girl I Find Soˢᵒ ᶜᵃᵖᵗⁱᵛᵃᵗⁱⁿᵍ

interestingˢᵒ ᵖʳᵉᵗᵗʸˢᵒ ⁱⁿᵗᵒˣⁱᶜᵃᵗⁱⁿᵍ

I hold her picture in my beautiful hands, it's tempting to keep it. Tempting to never approach her, because then, she'd never know meˢʰᵉ ᵈᵒᵉˢⁿᵗ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ʷʰᵒ ⁱ ᵃᵐ

and it's harder to know something. Harder to approach herᵇˡᵒⁿᵈᵉ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵇᵉᵃᵘᵗⁱᶠᵘˡ

Harder to tell ,her, what i have done is appreciated her, not stolen her pretty face and embraced 'freak' and or 'creep'ˢʰᵉˢ ᵍᵒᵗ ᶠˡᵘᶠᶠʸ ʰᵃⁱʳ ᵢ wₐₙₙₐ ₜₒᵤcₕ ᵢₜ ᵈⁱᵈⁿᵗ ʷᵉ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᴺᴼᵀ ᴮᴱᴵᴺᴳ ᴬ ᶜᴿᴱᴱᴾ

the paper is tempting, No🅽🅾ᴺᵒᴺᵒⁿᵒ, ᴺᵒ ᴺᵒ ᴺᵒ. ᵢ ₛₑcₒₙd ₜₕₐₜ.

reject it

i don't want this, i don't want this, this photo of her isn't mine to keepｉ ｉｉ𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 ｔoｂｅ a ｇooｄｇuy

it tears as easily as it's disturbers' soilꀤ ꒒ꀤꀘꍟ 🇬​​🇴​​🇴​​🇩​ ​🇵​​🇪​​🇴​​🇵​​🇱​​🇪​

two pieces𝕚𝕗 𝕚 𝕒𝕞 𝕘𝕠𝕠𝕕

three piecesʷⁱˡˡ ⁱ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵐʸˢᵉˡᶠ ᵗᵒᵒ?

six pieces ᵢ ₜₕᵢₙₖ ᵢ ₐₗᵣₑₐdy dₒ ⁱ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ʰᵉʳ ᵃ ˡᵒᵗ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵗʰᵒᵘᵍʰ ᵢ ₛₑcₒₙd ₜₕₐₜ. ᵃᵍᵃⁱⁿ? ₐgₐᵢₙ.

twelve pieces

twenty six pieces, i lay in a small hole beside the treeʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵒⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵉ ʳⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ

one piece, i keep for myself, to remember, that i almost succumbed to my wanting, my desiring, my thoughts

No, never trust my thoughtsⁱ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ⁱ ᵃᵐ ʰᵃᵖᵖʸ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵐʸˢᵉˡᶠ ᵗᵒᵈᵃʸ

in case they might not be mine

oh, but you don't know me

oh, and i wish you did, and i'm relieved you don't ,

, and now I'm certain i'm unrequited in an untrialled courting pool courtroom.

_________________________________

'Less than 10 minutes' walk from some great shops and restaurants.'ᵗʰᵉ

New Students' Union advice hub.'ᵃᵈᵛᵉʳᵗⁱˢᵉᵐᵉⁿᵗ

'House is close to all university facilities, including ᵒᶠ ᵐʸ ᵘⁿⁱᵛᵉʳˢⁱᵗʸ ᵈᵒʳᵐⁱᵗᵒʳʸ ʰᵒᵘˢᵉ

Enjoy accommodation in the heart of 'Campus ʷᵃˢ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᶠᵘᶜᵏⁱⁿᵍ ᵇᵒʳⁱⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ʳᵉᵃᵈ

_________________________________"ᵢ'ₗₗ ₛₑₑ yₒᵤ ₒₙ ₘₒₙdₐy"- administrator, lady girl, whatever. I meet my roommates tomorrow.ᵒʰʰⁿᵒ