Rosebud

The rain falls softly on your head as you ease the gate open. It’s okay, no one knows you’re here. Pay no attention to the ominous creak of the gate. No, you don’t have any WD-40 to spray on the hinge. If you want to quiet it, you’ll have to spit on it. Oh, that works, too. I didn’t know you had a bottle of water in your bag.

Don’t worry about getting mud on your shoes. You can take them off before you go inside. Did you remember to bring dog treats? No, you don’t need them yet, but you will. For now, just stay in the shadows, up against the fence. If it helps, pretend you’re a special agent on a black ops mission. Night vision goggles? No. Okay, pretend you’re on a rogue mission with no budget and no extraction point.

Why on earth would you want to approach the front entrance? Cellars and basements tend to have entrances around back. Yes, “tend to have”—did you think I came over here undercover to do recon for you? Should we take a detour to the courthouse to obtain the blueprints? That’s what I thought.

What do you mean, you want to go upstairs after we find it? Absolutely not. This is enough of a risk as it is. Maybe you should leave your bag out here. Good grief, what in the world do you have in there? Roller skates? Why, in the name of absurdity, would you bring roller skates?

You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s a different Xanadu altogether. You’re not going to roller disco with Olivia Newton-John, and nobody is going to recite Coleridge.

Did you bring bolt cutters? A crowbar? Just roller skates and leg warmers? Oh, sorry. I see that those are knee socks. Yes, they’re fabulous. Oh, okay. Absolutely. Get to work. You didn’t tell me you could pick a lock.

Yeah, the door does seem stuck. Oh, that’s why. No, I don’t have any idea how you’re going to find it in this mess. Yes, Hoarders could totally do an episode here.

You what? You want to play marbles with Venus? Yes, there certainly are enough depictions of her to form a water volleyball team, although that’s probably not the governing idea. No need to fancy yourself a crusader. While not necessarily common, you’re most definitely a thief.

Why on earth are you concerning yourself with that creepy doll collection? What did you do, get up and go to the bathroom during the final scene? You don’t know what you’re looking for, do you?

Then why, for the love of classic movies, did you keep saying Rosebud? Yeah, it’s just an old wooden sled. Everybody knows that. Let’s get out of here before you get us caught.