Romeo and Juliet 2: Romey Owes and Julies' Debt

In a torch-lit cave deep underground, stagnant decaying air, heavy with the stench of sulphur, penetrates the nostrils of a newly delivered dozen of the Devil's damned delinquents. As the bleary, squinting eyes of this group of pale failures slowly adjust to the dim lighting within the cave, a 'Hell Introduction Officer' stands before them eager to officially welcome them all to Hell.

As the confused, mumbling crowd of newly deceased nobodies begin to inspect their subterranean surroundings, a few of them faint with shock at the sight of the terrifying drawings adorning the walls of the cave. Bloodcurdling depictions of people being tortured and eaten.

Whilst a couple of Demon Paramedics deal with the fainted few, the Hell Officer performs a 'package holiday rep' style introduction explaining the facilities and the daily itinerary available to guests during their long stay in Hell.

The group of new arrivals, who huddle together like shivering Sheep on their way to the abattoir, contains a mixed bunch of human beings. People of different Ages, Ethnicities, and Sexual Identities and… Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. I know, what are the chances?

"Ok everybody welcome to Hell, your new home for eternity, where the fun never stops! And by fun I mean gratuitous torture!"

Laughs the Hell Officer, peering over his glasses as the worried crowd gasps in horror at the freakish thing standing before them.

"Haha! I got you there!No but seriously, it's going to hurt. Anyway, I'd just like 5 minutes of your time to explain a few things to you before you meet and greet with your torturers."

Explained the Hell Officer referring to his notes. A man sized monster with horns, thick lensed glasses and a clipboard, who clearly enjoys his job too much.

"If you haven't noticed already, there isn't any phone reception down here in Hell. So if you were wanting to send any last minute messages to your nearest and dearest, like:

"I love you. "

"Be good and stay in school"

"The dead prostitutes are buried at these coordinates."

Then you will be very disappointed.

If you want my advice, you might want to get used to that feeling now you're in Hell."

At that moment, a small Japanese business man amongst the crowd screams out in anger, before smashing his iphone against the wall of the cave.

"You might also see 'HellWIFI' come up in your 'nearest available wifi' search. This is not for you, it's for staff and admin use only. Please don't ask me for the passcode.

If you aint got horns, you can't log orns!"

Joked the Hell officer as the crowd stared at him in a state of confusion and fear. A couple of people cough, one woman at the back of the group wails like a baby.

"Hmmm, a disappointing reaction to my Wifi joke. Although speaking of 'disappointment', that brings me nicely onto the next point. The accommodation here in Hell is disappointing. As in it's pointy, and it will actually disappear...inside of you. Ba dum dum shh."

Laughed the Hell officer anxiously, delivering the joke like a bad comedian struggling to contain his pride. Meanwhile the crowd of the newly damned, remain wide eyed and gormless. A couple of people at the back cough, another woman faints.

"Thanks, that joke is one of my best. Ok, let me paint a picture for you."

Said the Hell Officer, rubbing his claws together in excited anticipation.

"You're all about to embark on a very terrifying and painful adventure, where you'll be spending every waking moment in delicious agony for all of time. You lucky bastards!"

Joked the Hell Officer as another woman fainted, her face becoming impaled on a stalagmite as her head hit the Cave floor.

The wincing crowd reorganises itself in order to avoid getting the blood and brains, currently oozing out of the collapsed womans' head, all over their trainers. A posh woman in the group, who up till now had been distracted by chewing gum and doing her makeup, suddenly screamed out in horror at the sight of her designer high heels, turning red and sticky.

"That's the spirit Madam! At the end of a long day, when you're all screamed out, you will need a quiet place to weep. So we have provided for you the '5 Star Damp Caves', voted best in Hell in a double page spread in 'The Devils Digest Magazine'. Upon arrival, each of you will be assigned a 4ft spike that you will sleep impaled upon every night. All spikes are sterile, you'll be pleased to know, so you don't have to worry about getting your 4ft deep wounds infected. You can't say we dont look after you down here in Hell. We also have our world famous sulphuric acid showers in every cave. 100% organic and created by volcanic activity right here in Hell. Isn't science amazing?"

Referring to his clipboard, the Hell officer continues to regail the terrified crowd with tales of torment and torture.

"The food in Hell is a bit disappointing I must admit, there just isn't any.

The entertainment is anything but disappointing though, however that might depend on your perspective. You there! Are you a 'the sword is halfway out or halfway in' kind of guy?"

Asked the Hell Officer, pointing to a middle aged man with a moustache standing in the front row. The man, appearing uncomfortable with being put on the spot, struggles to speak the words to respond, prompting the Hell officer to interrupt.

"Well don't hurt that brain of yours wondering, because I can tell you. Here in Hell the sword is always fully in. All the way in. Until it comes out the other side. That's our promise to you."

The man in the moustache turns to his right and discusses this new proclamation with the woman standing next to him, who appears to shake her head in disbelief of its violent honesty.

"The daily itinerary is broken up into different classes and workshops that you can pick and choose between depending on how you're feeling each day. Mostly sore I would imagine."

Said the Hell officer chuckling to himself whilst rubbing his bottom.

"Activities range from Flaying, Drowning, Being Crushed by a Boulder, Eaten alive by Lions, Burned, Choked, Frozen, Spit Roasted, the list goes on and on!"

" I enjoy a good Spit Roasting."

Giggled a woman in the crowd as she winked at the man standing next to her.

"Me to Madam! Although I'm not sure what part of it I enjoy the most. The screaming or the smell?"

Interrupted the Hell Officer, appearing to be grateful for the opportunity to chat with a fellow spitroasting enthusiast.

"You could say that I'm 'torn'! Which is funny, because soon you will be as well!haha!"

Laughed the Hell officer as the cheeky smile fell from the aroused woman's face like a manhole cover from the sky.

"Sorry, I'm looking for a career change and I want to break into stand up comedy. However I work long hours, so I don't always have an opportunity to try out my new material."

The Silent crowd gaze at the Hell officer in shock. A couple of people cough.

"Geez, tough crowd. Ok, let's talk about the schedule then. In the morning it's Cardio. I'm always surprised how fast you Humans can run when given the right stimulation. Let's just say that 'feeling the burn' down here in Hell has a very different meaning. Then in the afternoon it's Workshops before the evening when we play Poker."

"Yes!! I knew there had to be a Casino in Hell! Get in!"

Exclaimed a questionably sober man in the front row, already removing the cash from his wallet.

"Oh sorry, I meant red hot poker. Up the bottom, your bottoms."

The crowd gasps in horror, a reaction which our Hell Officer appears to be enjoying.

"The Staff do like to gamble down here though. For example, we bet on which one of you will scream the loudest or shit themselves the most. My money is on you sir."

Said the Hell officer pointing at a Hell's Angel Biker standing a couple of rows back. Meanwhile the once elated gambler, his dreams of winning big in Hell now laying in ruins at his sizzling bare feet, shuffles towards an open shaft in the cave floor and falls into it on purpose.

"Ouch! You don't want to fall down there. Now the last things to mention are the Fire Exits. The Fire Exits are located here, here and here. Haha only joking! There's no escaping the Fire down here! Well I think that pretty much covers everything. Welcome to Eternal Damnation everyone. Any last questions before we begin the everlasting pain?"

At this moment an eldery man wearing Clergical Robes and waving his hand in the air furiously, pushes his way to the front of the group demanding an audience with the Hell Officer.

"Excuse me, sorry. I think there has been a mistake. I'm not supposed to be down here. I'm a Bishop you see. Is there anyone you can...".

The Bishop is suddenly interrupted by the Hell Officer who seems a little surprised at the audacity of the 'kiddy fiddling' Clergyman.

"We know all about the boy buggering and the embezzlement your Holiness. I think you'll find you're in the right place and in the right company down here. In fact, Child Abuse is one of the workshops you can take part in during your stay in Hell. The only difference here is, you'll be the Child. Any more questions?"

As the group looks around at each other with suspicious eyes, everyone is now a little uneasy with the idea of who might be standing next to them, an elderly Man and Woman holding hands, appears at the front of the group.

"Excuse me, sir, will my Wife and I have spikes next to each other in the Damp Caves, only we haven't slept a night apart from each other in 70 years?"

Asked the Old man anxiously, his arm wrapped around his wife's frail frame holding her tighter than at any point before in the history of their love.

"Unfortunately not. The first thing we do is separate the sexes so there's no 'hanky panky' during your stay in Hell. We can't have you enjoying yourselves now, can we? I know how kinky you old timers can be."

Replied the Hell Officer with a cheeky wink, as the gasping crowd began to mutter amongst themselves. However, it wasn't long before their angry objections began to echo throughout the cave.

"What about the Gays?"

"And the Narcissists?"

"Don't forget about the Transgenders! What about them?"

Juliet, who up till now has remained quiet at the back of the group, begins to sob into Romeo's arms at the thought of losing him all over again. As Romeo tries to comfort her, gently stroking her long, beautiful hair, the Hell Officer explains the sleeping arrangements like a Teacher awkwardly explaining Sex Education.

"I'm afraid our Sexes Separation System is ancient and isn't able to facilitate modern trends and tastes."

Explained the Hell Officer firmly, without an ounce of sympathy.

"What does that mean?"

Screamed a woman in the middle of the crowd, her tear-soaked makeup running down her face like a mime caught in the rain.

"It means the Gays win this one."

Shrugged the Hell Officer, as a Gay couple at the back of the group embrace each other passionately.

"But that's not fair!"

Shouted a deep voice from within the crowd. The voice belonged to Mike the heterosexual Bodybuilder, and he was pissed off with the idea of not getting his willy wet for the rest of eternity.

"Of course, it isn't fair, this is Hell! Where the only 'fair' is the haunted funfair you can't escape from before you're raped by Murderous Clowns."

Laughed the Hell Officer as a tiny car packed full of terrifying Clowns, blasted into the cave and screeched to a stop in front of Mike. Despite his huge muscles and 10% body fat, Mike is powerless to resist the colorful, red-nosed assault. Screaming for help whilst the crowd stands frozen in horror, Mike is bundled into the small car and driven away never to be seen again.

"Haha! That little car gets me every time. So...any more questions?"

Asker the Hell Officer trying to regain his composure. As he proceeds to wipe the tears from his eyes, a young man approaches the front of the group wearing a cheeky smile for an expression.

"Are you like a Demon or something? Do you have a name?"

Shouts the young man with a disrespectful tone to his voice, apparently unafraid of the monstrosity to which he is speaking.

"No, I wasn't given a name to make me seem more scary and mysterious to new arrivals. My Master deemed that if I had a name, you might feel like I was a person that you could either plead with or manipulate."

Replied the Hell Officer calmly, unfazed by the young man's attempt at juvenile jestering.

"Haha! Well, that's pretty lame not having a name, and for the record, you're about as scary as my arse dude. 'My master'! You sound like a Gimp!"

The shocked crowd performs a synchronized gasp, as they all turn to see the Hell Officers' reaction to the young man's insolence.

"We'll see who is laughing, Tom Phillips of 33 Orchard Drive, who once robbed an old lady of her bingo winnings!"

The Jeering unimpressed crowd, Boo's Tom for his shameful act, whilst Tom stands there grinning, seemingly unremorseful of his crime.

"From where I'm standing it's your arse that looks pretty scary Tom!"

Jeered the Hell Officer pointing at Tom, who began to look very uncomfortable. Suddenly, a large tentacle with a mouth at the end filled with hundreds of razor-sharp teeth bursts out of Tom's arse and trousers and begins attacking and biting chunks out of him as he tries to run away. However, Tom can't escape the relentless attack as the violent appendage is attached to him. Covered in deep lacerations, flailing and screaming, Tom runs into a pool of Lava and disappears.

"Anyone else fancy themselves as a comedian? It's a tough gig up here. Does anyone else have anything 'funny' to say? Let me bring this to your attention. Can you all read the sign?"

Said the Hell officer as he pointed to a metal sign nailed to the wall of the Cave.

"Aggression or abuse directed at staff will not be tolerated. Everyone should be able to come to work and do their job without being harassed or insulted. We have a culture of care here in Hell."

The startled crowd, some of them still crying after witnessing the dreadful attack on Tom by an arse monster, once again began to mutter amongst themselves.

"Anyway, sorry about that everybody. Where was I before Tom the 'Granny basher' threw me off, bloody idiot? Sorry, I know he was just a young lad, but he struck a nerve with the whole 'haha no name' thing. You could say that having no name is my personal kind of Hell. You see, some of the guys down here have great names like Kirg the Mighty, Balthazar the Boiler, and Beast the...well, Beast. Even Kevin the maintenance guy has a name. When we go out for beers after work I am never mentioned in any of the funny office stories, because I don't have a name. It just makes me feel unappreciated, that's all.

But who am I to argue with the big guy downstairs? Only kidding, there's an elevator."

Despite the terrible fates already suffered by other members of the group, a middle-aged woman plucks up the courage to step forward and ask about the man in charge.

"So when do we get to meet Satan then?"

The Hell Officer appeared almost offended at the balls on this woman who thought, despite her lowly status, that she would be able to meet the boss.

"Firstly, he prefers to be called Lucifer and basically, never. He doesn't dirty his claws with the day-to-day running of this place anymore, he's got bigger plans to worry about. I've not even met him personally yet."

Sighed the Hell Officer, like a disappointed child who longs to meet their hero. A sound that was also mimicked by the crowd, much to the Hell Officer's surprise.

"It's ok people, fear not. Oh sorry, I forget where we are sometimes. OK, fear a lot, but don't worry. If you were hoping to see Horns and Hooves. Pitched Forks and Goatys. Leprechauns and Hitler, during your stay here in Hell, then you are still in luck. We have the largest and finest selection of Torturers, Sadists, Rapists, and Cannibal Professionals anywhere to be found. Your 'Personal Pain Practitioners' are very excited to meet you all and are waiting just behind that ominous-looking door over there, that is slowly creaking open. Wait a minute, what? That door should still be shut! Wait! You two! Stop!"

Without anyone noticing, Romeo and Juliet had slipped away from the group and had managed to open a large oak door adorned with Metal Spikes and Human Skulls, which stood on the other side of the Cave. The heavy door only needed pulling slightly, yet it took both of them all of their strength to do so. Once through the opening obstacle, the two young lovers grab each other tightly before making their break for freedom. Celebrating too quickly, with smiles already beginning to grow on their faces, their sprinting is interrupted as they suddenly find themselves face-to-face with a gang of Monster Demon Guards.

Being younger and faster than their enemies, Romeo and Juliet disarm a couple of the Guards and start killing the others with the salvaged weapons. After much Hacking, Slashing, Ducking, and Jumping, Romeo and Juliet leap over the bodies of the slain guards and vanish into the dark tunnels of Hell.

The Gobsmacked Hell Officer, amazed at what he has just witnessed, struggles to regain control of the cheering crowd who are all clapping and whistling in admiration of the young couple's daring escape.

"Well, that's never happened before. Ok everybody, calm down. Don't worry people and don't get any 'Copycat' ideas. We'll catch those two idiots who think they can escape. This is Hell, there is no escape."