River

I.

He was driving way too fast. Something very quiet in the back of his mind told him so. He floored the gas and the whine of the car rose in pitch. His phone was buzzing against the seat and he didn’t see it.

His exit went past him. He wondered if now was the time to wrench the wheel sideways, if it would look like an accident. He was sober as a church mouse. But it would look like he was drunk.

He let the guardrail pass by. Not there. It might not kill him.

He let the bridge pass by. The fall was too long and he didn’t want time to think.

The road went on, and he kept passing things, and eventually the interstate ran out. He judged himself a coward and stopped for gas.

II.

When he pulled in at the gas station he had five missed calls. He flipped open the phone and pressed hard at the center button, holding it up to his ear. His eyes followed someone in a navy work suit walking across the parking lot.

“Hey,” she said. “Why didn’t you answer me? I was worried.”

“Sorry, sister.” She heard the noise of the interstate on his line.

“Did you take a drive again?” she asked.

“Yeah.” There was a moment of silence, and he admitted, “I’m in Wichita Falls.”

“Jesus, River.”

“All right, now, no need to swear. I can take care of myself. Is your dad still there?”

“Yeah.” He heard Lexi rolling her eyes. “So–what, you were just gonna drive around the state all day?”

“Can I pick you up anything on my way back?” His voice was a little thorny.

“Just tell me next time.” She sounded like her mother and he felt a pang in his stomach.

“Sorry, Lexi. I’m on my way home. Take me four hours or so.”

“Dad wants to talk to you.”

“Sure.” He waited until he heard Jack’s voice, and the first thing out of the other man’s mouth was, “Where are you?”

“Took a day trip. I’m on my way back.”

“Well, I can’t hang around here all day.”

River rubbed his jaw with one hand. “You don’t need to. Y’all get to catch up a little?”

“Uh-huh. She’s a good kid. Hope she’s not taking it too hard.” River heard the creak of the back door as Jack stepped outside. “Well,” the other man said, “I’ll wait around with her.”

“She can take care of herself. Won’t take me too long to get back.” Jack grunted. River almost hung up, and then thought to ask, “How are you doing? You all right?”

“Lord, no. She…you know, she was good. A good person.” Jack sighed. “Look, I’ll see you when you get here. Don’t make me hang around.”

“Yeah. Bye.” River flipped the phone closed, reset the gas pump, and started the car. Grabbing a cigarette out of the pack with his teeth, he lit it cross-eyed and swerved onto the interstate.

III.

When he got back, Jack had already left. He slammed the car door closed and saw Lexi sitting on the front porch. She wore the lipstick that her mother had given her. Her hair, growing out, was pulled back in a spike on her crown. The rest of her clothes were her old clothes–polo shirts, baggy jeans. He wandered up to the porch and leaned on the side of the house, arms folded, watching the rain. She said nothing.

“You should ask Mari to take you shopping,” he said. She looked away from the sketchpad and down at herself.

“Why?” she asked.

“Well, aren’t you trying to ‘tap into your feminine,’ or something?”

“I still look like a boy. The meds won’t work for at least six months. I don’t want someone to say something to me.” Their gazes met. In her face she was still the little one he had met a long time ago, but everywhere else she was someone new. Both of them looked away, and River reached in his pocket for the carton of cigarettes.

“Can I have one?” she asked.

“No.”

“Mariana lets me smoke.”

He sighed sharply, letting his lighter hand thump against his leg. “I can’t control my sister.” Lexi shrugged and went back to her paper. He asked, “Do your homework?”

“No.”

River said nothing else. He had always let Willow handle the parental discipline, which was probably why he and Lexi got along better. He suddenly remembered that there was no one to cook dinner. He wasn’t hungry himself. But he heaved off the porch and went inside to hunt through the fridge.

“Sister girl,” he called through the front window, open. “You want drumsticks or mac and cheese?”

“Mac,” she said. He tossed the drumsticks back into the freezer and set the water to boiling. Then he sat and stared at it, thinking though he tried not to. He went upstairs and pawed through the top drawer of the chest, where Willow had kept all her papers. He found the sticky note she had left and read over it. It made no sense. He flipped open his phone and called his sister.

“Evenin’,” she said.

“Answer me somethin’,” he said, laying out the scrap of paper on the chest.

“Uh-oh.”

“Why would someone leave a note if they’re gonna kill themselves? It’s like, if you have more to say to me, say it.”

“Aw, bubba.” She was silent, and he read it again. “I don’t know. I really don’t.”

“Do you think I was enough for her?”

“I don’t think there’s anything you could have done. Really.”

“Maybe if I got sober.”

“Well, that would help a lot of things. But it wouldn’t have kept Willow here.”

He shook his head, feeling a rush of anger. “I wish she hadn’t left this. It makes me feel worse.”

“Have you let Lexi read it?”

“God, no.” His voice shook. “Fuck, Mariana, I don’t know. I want to travel somewhere. This house…” He sealed up his mouth with his hand, and inhaled when he had recovered. “It’s hers.”

“You mind if I come over?”

River put the paper back in the drawer and pushed it closed. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Well, have you had dinner yet?”

“About to. It’s just macaroni.”

“See you soon.”