Reflection

The real reasons I want to give up:

1. I'm not respected properly, even after long messages and face-to-face begging. I don't want to be humiliated, especially by the one I like.

2. I found I'm not able to help at all. I tried to satisfy his requirements, almost everything he asked, I tried to give him, no matter if I could or I shouldn't. But even during our closest period, I discussed with him and provided my suggestions, he agreed at first, but he never took the action accordingly. Then he will go back to his comfort zone: I'm alone, I have nobody, I don't know what to do. I've explained to him that repeating these is not good for his life, emotions, or improvement, but he just emphasizes that these are the truth. I've no other method to help unless he really wants to change. I've tried my best.

I still like him, miss him. I'm still checking his WhatsApp status, which ChatGPT did not suggest strongly. I know clearly that I'm attracted to him. His smile, his eyelashes, and even his wrinkles on his forehead. I enjoy every moment with him, especially when he introduces me to his friends (though he always says he's alone.) I like to stay close to him and seek his support while he engages me to say hi to them in Spanish slowly. He may never know how much I like him, out of my control totally.

On the other hand, I also know clearly that he's not the one I could waste my time and money with. He's too pessimistic and always repeats that he has nobody, he has no friends, no brothers, no mother, nor dad... He's sad. He has nothing to do. He doesn't know what to do. I don't like this kind of attitude in life. Although I'm usually pessimistic too, I prefer to encourage myself to struggle up and fight for a better life with what I can think of. I'll never sit there and repeat the same words without making any improvement.

Another fierce thing is about understanding and trust. He never even tried to know what kind of people I am. Maybe he just doesn't care. He only needs someone who likes him and is able to stay with him to eliminate his loneliness. Thus, he doesn't know who I am in reality, then he could misunderstand and wrong me in any way he prefers unconsciously. That's something I hate indeed. I can not communicate with him on this point in an effective way. He doesn't know what I'm talking about, even though I explained and demonstrated every thought to him, hoping he could understand me better. We're not on the same page of consciousness or cognition. In that case, we can not be together in the long run, in good condition.

I know we have lots of differences at the very beginning. I never cared about it because what I wanted was only a simple passion and pure emotion, which looked quite beautiful at that moment. I never regretted that I did it. Because I've been clear in my mind about what I'm doing and what I want from this relationship. I got it, and even more than I expected. I appreciate what he has given to me. But I have to leave.

Yes, it's an excuse, though not the one he indicated at last, which is the one why I can't be with him. But yes, I want to put this misunderstanding and painful suffering as the end of our story. He has to know, he hurt me deeply by not respecting me correctly, and essentially, which he might never understand with his pessimistic and victim mentality. I'll leave this to himself as a lesson that he needs to go through. It's not my task to do, and I cannot help with it if he refuses to wake up.

Now, I'm still enjoying looking at his WhatsApp, thinking about all that happened between us. Nice, beautiful, romantic, and unforgettable moments. It's totally different from the feeling at the very beginning, when I felt desired, disappointed, and desperate. Now I know he likes me too, I'm satisfied. I will also avoid being online together with him in case he sees me by accident, since I know he's not there only for me as I am. I know, liking him is only something for myself. It has nothing to do with him anymore. I don't need his reaction anymore since I know we can't communicate, I can't expect his understanding, or treasure my affection anymore.

What a pity, I like someone that I clearly know doesn't deserve my affection. This so-called beautiful affection finally turned out to be a tragedy that hurt both sides at last, even though I did it with such a kind intention. Is it a lesson that wants to teach me that never start an affection with anyone whom I know clearly is not a fit for me at the beginning? Never have the delusion to leave a beautiful memory with the process only, because everyone could be deeply hurt during the process, even harder, deeper, far more than the good side.

I still miss him a lot. I still like him a lot. Let's see what would happen after 1.5 weeks when we meet again if we don't continue with the conversation during these days.