Redemption

Cold. Barren. The sludgy brown snow lightly crunches beneath my too small snow boots as I traverse along. The shadows from the bare trees around me make me look twice, and the little nuances of the forest sounds echo in my ears. I’m alert now. Awaiting for disaster at any moment, and yet this is the most peace I’ve had in my life for a long while now.

The days have become shorter. My motivation smaller. And to top it all off, the passion in my life has seemed to dwindle away, just as this pathetic half frozen snow. As I walk along this pathway I find myself coming to terms with this enveloping feeling of content in my life. Right foot. Left foot. Repeat. Right foot. Left foot. Repeat. Although I am walking, I have no idea of the destination. I just knew I had to get out of there. I wanted to be free. That longing desire to not be held back with the shackles that have consumed my life.

I haven’t always been this sad, melancholy, mess of a man. I once thought I had it all figured out in life. Going through the Polaroid images of my life in my mind I had been happy. Joyous even. Until I lost her. The unexpected sadness and torment that came crashing down on my life when you left me. In a blink. In an instant, my once happy life was over.

My Sunshine. How I miss you. The light of my life. My whole heart and soul. Plus all the other cliches you could think of, but our love was no cliche.

This path was one you and I took frequently. Our first kiss. Our second. My proposal to you. This was our forest. Our place. And I come here to be close to you when I don’t feel at one with the world.

“My love, I miss us. I miss you. I hope you’re out there, looking at this mess of a man and you’re still in love with me as I am with you”

I let out a horrific gut wrenching scream. A yell. An animalistic cry. How pathetic. Here I am talking into the emptiness of the forest. As if I would hear a reply. See a sign. I thought I had come to terms with your death and yet my thoughts have turned into vocalized pleas for your love back.

Just keep walking. Right foot. Left foot. Repeat. Set your mind to the task and follow through. What the task is, is still unknown but I keep telling myself it will unveil itself when ready. I feel good about this walk. This adventure. This path you and I had taken many times together. As familiar as it felt, it was just as foreign without your hand in mine.

Wait a minute, what is that in the distance? A building? But it can’t be. We have taken this same walk, sans building many a time. Is this the sign? Am I really loosing it? Have I lost my mind? I take quicker steps now eager to explore this sore thumb in the forest. Upon closer inspection, it’s clear it’s a dilapidated barn. Unkempt and deserted. Just like me. Broken shutters and half peeled off paint. A broken barn for a broken man.

As I push the splintered rotting barn door open, I felt something within myself shift. Change. A metamorphosis of sorts. God, here I go again. I am truly loosing it if I believe that this barn is changing this man that I have come to know. Or should I let this feeling take over? With that thought, I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. You know that feeling you get when someone is watching you? Staring at you? But you have no idea where it’s coming from? Yeah, that’s me right now. But I’m alone. I know this to be true.

As I slowly turn around, I notice two yellow eyes in the darkness. I’m not alone. Someone…or something is here with me. I edge backwards and the eyes follow my every step. They maintain their distance physically and yet I am feeling some, for lack of better words, spiritualistic connection with these eyes. These large yellow eyes. Reminiscent of your unforgettable hazel ones that would glint with hints of gold and green in the sunlight. I approach them, slowly yet so eager. My heart beating faster with every step I take. I feel as if I’m at the climax of this adventure of mine. The climax of my non-adventure adventure. I hear a rustling noise and the eyes approach even closer yet still lingering in the shadows.

There’s a larger change in me now. This must be my sign. Is this you unveiling yourself to me in some strange way? You always had a way of catching me by surprise. Making sure I noticed all the moments of the day and not just the convenient ones. My love, you brought so much peace and happiness into my life; and oddly enough these eyes bring me the same warm enveloping feeling of peace. I stretch out my arm slowly. Inch by inch I get closer, and inch by inch my fingertips are almost there. Able to touch the being that houses those eyes. Those wonderful beautiful yellow eyes.

As my fingertips graze the very outline of the body, I finally realize, of course an owl. And with that realization, came the answer. Yes, you are here with me. Remember that first kiss? In this very forest? That kiss in which when our lips parted and we looked at each other we were just about scared half to death when that owl flew in between us for some odd reason. We laughed about it for days. Our cheeks hurt from replaying that moment for years to come. I mean, come on, an owl? Intruded our first kiss? How is that not a story? How is that not memorable?

Another revelation and with that, you revealed yourself to me. In this beautiful angelic form. Wings stretched awaiting the world. Free. No more pain. No more tears. You have redeemed your physical life for this one. The barn owl. On our path. Sharing this wondrous gift with me to have just one more moment with you. This moment of completion. Your swift wings underneath you now carrying you onto your next life. And myself into mine. This moment of redemption for my life. Life after you.

It can be beautiful.

You have shown me that.