Recovery in Confinement

Recovery In Confinement

"Will she manage another night "

She woke up to bright light after not realizing she went to sleep with IV in one arm and marks on upper arms from being restrained. Looking down, she tried to recall what all had happened, and it all came back like a flash. She remembered her husband by her side before he was escorted out; due to policy, she was alone staring at a closed door with a window of wires and glass. She got up in pain and went to the door to be told she couldnt use the restroom because of the policy, so she had to use a fake toilet as a child would use when they are potty trained except an adult one. Looking to the corner, she spots the camera and recalls a nurse telling her that they would be watching her the night before being admitted in there. She had no idea on time, just knew she was afraid of what was to come reminded her of being in jail only difference has there was a hospital bed instead of a hard bunk bed, and she wasn't pregnant this time.

A nurse came in to tell her she would be getting her breakfast soon. She questioned how long I was going to be here. The nurse tried to be polite as possible " Hunny, right now we are trying to find a psych ward to place you in but there all booked so we have to wait an unfortunately we don't know when but you will be transported in the ambulance from here when the time comes." She began to feel fear creeping up as she told the nurse, " I don't want to go there why can't I just go home shouldn't I get a second chance." The nurse looked at her and sat on the end of her hospital bed, shutting the door a little " Dear you tried to kill yourself you don't get that option unfortunately its for your own protection that you don't do anymore harm to yourself you have a 72 hour hold here an hopefully we can find you placement by then." Now my shift is ending, but there will be another nurse to help, and he is excellent will be sure to take care of you. Shutting the door, it was a matter of time; she began to feel all the misery feeding into what got her there in the first place. She sunk beneath the blankets in the hospital bed, reliving the tragedy she had caused because she had lost control. She kept telling herself she was better than this, but the darkness was cutting her down, reminding her how weak she felt her whole life rewinding backward. It's going to be okay; she told herself she had lived through worse been at rock-bottom before, and she wasn't giving up there.

She silenced the negativity getting out of the hospital bed, beginning to stretch, remembering when she was locked up. An inmate told her that exercise, writing was the only thing that would keep her out of trouble and sane if she didn't want to get involved with all the drama, but that was jail this was solitary confinement in a hospital which she began to view as it could be worse. She ate breakfast and asked for some paper and a pen, and the new nurse was great. He let her have it and even let her use the actual restroom. She stayed positive till the nurse came in to take out her IV placement and began talking to her, trying to see where she was mentally explaining he had been doing this for more years than any other nurse there. What he specialized in was suicide prevention. Some of the questions he asked brought her to tears, making her realize her support system and family may not see her for quite some time. The nurse reminded who gives a shit what anyone else thinks, including your family, what do you feel this is not about them but you. He ended the conversation with, we will see what we can do to maybe get you out with a safety plan, but I can't guarantee anything.

She received phone calls which made her stronger against the challenge she had with the darkness. Even though the phone calls were not that long, they helped her to be able to speak to her husband and family. She continued writing, and then when nighttime came, she asked the nurse for some melatonin to help her sleep, which knocked her out to get some decent sleep. Darkness enjoyed the dreams; it would play out the worst scenarios when she didn't take melatonin. It always woke her up, but the evilness didn't get the thrill since she was exhausted and out; as usual, it tired out a little after sunrise. She didn't remember any of her dreams; she just felt calm, knowing she would make it through this trial. She ate breakfast and tried to find something on the TV with the hospital remote she had forgotten. The nurse let her know they were getting her a appointment reevaluated through psych to go home. Her anxiety began to kick in after that; she did 50 jumping jacks a stretched for as long as she could fold and refold her blankets over and over to realize it was already hours after the nurse had told her that an coming up on dinner. She was brought dinner and asked, "I'm not going home today, am I" He apologized and told her, "No, I'm sorry my hands are tied but know this is not a punishment."

Before he shut the door, she asked for more melatonin. Her darkness began to wake as she shook her head and said no, it's okay, ate her food, and was able to make a phone call. The melatonin looked different this time, but she took it anyway as she began to get sleepy on the phone call with her husband, hanging up to pass out only into the abyss of her past addiction before jail, what she called the death zone. Darkness creates a hotel flashback. She relived the event as she cringed to look down and see the supply laid out and if she would be brave enough defense support.

The melatonin backfired on her this time and worked in the darkness favor reminding her it was in control since she was asleep as she felt very awake in her dream, unfortunately just not on the outside. She had no choice but to try and destroy the darkness and his expectations till she could wake up for real. She played along, knowing if she acted on it in defense, it would only feed into it to make it worse for her if she fought it. Bringing back the taste of the drugs to numb the reality of her past was something she knew too well. Even though it was a dream, she knew she would still taste in the morning wouldn't be the first time for her. She stayed asleep till the plan darkness had was over, and then it grew weak as she woke up on the outside, knowing what she had to do to shake all that madness. She got up and began to stretch and write once more. The nurse came in with her breakfast to let her know they were keeping their fingers crossed it would be today. She was able to speak to the psych through a screen that they rolled into her room asking her a series of questions, but before all that, she had read what she wrote explaining her wrongdoing and taking accountability where she was mental since the incident. The psych explained she would be okay to be released, she just had to get one other person on board, and she should be going home soon. The lady on the screen would call her husband first to verify some things. She was thrilled with adrenaline, ready to get out as she paced back and forth.

The doctor finally came in, and he asked how she was doing. She explained better and read a little bit of what she wrote to him. He looked at her and said, that is great, but it is unfortunate due to licensing, we won't be able to discharge you; for you to get released, you would have to be evaluated by a psychiatrist that is what they specialize. She began to feel as rage as a tear fell and said, what do you mean? The psych told me I would be good to go just needed one more person's approval. The doctor nodded and said it was unfortunate she was incorrect and apologized; she told me that he could not discharge her due to his license only being a doctor, not a psychiatrist. He stood up and walked out quickly. She sat in disbelief in confusion as if it was some distorted reality been served dinner and took some more melatonin without eating as she cried herself before she fell asleep.

To be continued…