Pussy Willow

This story was originally published on Medium.

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Marco whipped his arm up to eye level, bent his knees, and planted the soles of his feet hard into the grass. He had assumed the perfect position. He was ready!

Click.

He waited a moment for the app to return information to him. He stared at the photo he just took. Pure excellence. The information surfaced.

“It’s a hibiscus.” He recited to his mom.

His mom admired the hibiscus flowers growing from the bush in front of them. She nodded at the information.

“It’s pretty.” His mom said. “Should we pick one for Mrs. Dionne?”

“Ew. Yuck! She’s like a hundred. Plus, she’s a girl!” Marco was disgusted. Why would his mom say this? Get a flower for his teacher? And have the entire third grade class laughing in his face and telling all the other third grade classes. Marco would have no friends. Zero friends. Less than zero friends. Negative zero.

Marco admired the app on his mom’s phone. It was so handy. Identifying all the plants and flowers in an instant. Marco didn’t know the names of most of these flowers before, but once he learned them, he stuck them to the walls of his brain with silly putty. Oh no, that knowledge would never leave his brain. He would remember it forever and impress everyone.

He looked to the right. In the grass were those fuzzy little flowers that you blow all the fuzzy bits off of after making a wish and then it comes true.

And then Marco realized he knew the name of these flowers already.

“Pussy Willows.” Marco said, fighting laughter.

“What?” Marco’s mom spun around.

Marco pointed at the fuzzy, white flowers.

“That’s what they’re called!” He said defensively.

Marco was 8. He would turn 9 a whole four months from now. And he knew there was a whole, big list of words he could not say. One of them being…

Get ready…

Pussy.

He’s only thinking it. So, that’s probably okay. But he can’t say pussy. It’s a bad word. But Marco found a way around this for a while. He could say pussycat. It was like saying the curse word, but not really. Marco found this hysterical and would say pussycat every chance he got. Anything to get away with saying a bad word he wasn’t supposed to say.

But eventually his mom told him to just say cat. Cat was also correct. There was no need to say pussycat when he could just say cat. She had him there. Marco’s Mom was smart. It was hard to win against her in anything. Scrabble. Go Fish… Saying Words…

But now Marco realized he had a secret weapon. The pussy willow. Pick a pussy willow, make a wish, then blow the pussy willow. Make sure to blow all the fuzzies off the pussy willow or else the wish won’t come true. Marco smirked but fought it. He needed to not laugh so his mom wouldn’t suspect anything sinister.

“I had heard the name, but I didn’t know that was the flower.” His mom said.

“Yeah, pussy willows are the ones you blow for a wish to come true!” Marco said, readying the app on the phone. “I’ll show you.”

His Mom nodded simply and continued looking at the hibiscus.

Marco snapped a photo of the pussy willow. He waited eagerly so he could prove his innocence and get on with saying pussy willow and get away scot-free. The information pulled up.

Dandelion.

What the heck?

In that moment Marco realized he was wrong. He knew what dandelions looked like… he thought. Scrolling through the pictures he realized, before dandelions fully bloom, this is what they look like. The fuzzy white thing. All this time he thought this was a pussy willow!

He searched pussy willow to see what it looked like. It was another somewhat fuzzy, white flower. Less impressive. Nothing you’d blow on for a wish. And nothing he had ever seen in his area. However, these fuzzy dandelions were aplenty!

Ugh! Marco’s secret weapon! The key that unlocked the chamber to loopholes around saying bad words for kids! Destroyed! Crushed!

But wait! His Mom was still admiring the hibiscus! He had time to rectify this! Right?!

“Marco, let me see the phone.” His Mom reached out for the phone, still lost, gazing at the hibiscus.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

“One second!” Marco was sweating profusely. Beads of sweat cascaded down his brow and into his eyes.

He would delete the results he found! It was the only way! If his mom didn’t see the results, she wouldn’t find out he was wrong and he would be in the clear! His fingers became a furious tornado on the screen of the phone. Deleting the search for pussy willow. Deleting the photo of the fuzzy dandelion.

X. Remove. Do not save.

X. Remove. Do not save.

Did he get it all? Did he destroy all the evidence? One more sweep to make sure.

“Marco. Phone.” His Mom’s tone was more serious. Time was up. He had to hand it over and pray for the best.

Marco gave his mom the phone. She grabbed it, simply snapped a photo of the hibiscus, examined it quickly, then handed the phone back to Marco.

That was all she wanted to do?! Get a picture?! Not question the pussy willow?!

Marco was in the clear! He didn’t even have to prove anything to his mom! She just believed anything he said! Oh, glory be! Marco rejoiced silently. His secret weapon was back in his clutches.

His Mom looked up and pointed at a large tree.

“What’s that?” She asked.

Marco snapped a photo.

“It’s called a Penis Oak.”

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