Please don't leave...

"I'm safe, no one will find me, no one will come and get me, I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe...NOOOOOO!!!! STOP PLEASE TURN THE LIGHT BACK ON!!! PLEASE, I BEG YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!"

People can be around, but it doesn't change the fact that there's darkness around. And all those people that were in the room, can no longer be seen. You can feel their soft touch, gently tapping against yours, accidentally bumping into you, and saying "sorry, dear". That little tap is so much more frightening in the dark. It's like a bolt of lightning zapping through my body, whenever I hear a sound, or feel anything other than my own breathing.

My therapist says, that I have a fear of darkness. That I fear the night. But I know, deep down, there is something more than that...

It's not enough to just leave the lights on. Because as soon as I close my eyes, the nightmares begin, and nobody can turn the light on.

I once had a dream, where I was sitting on the edge of a boat, with my hands and feet tied up, I knew, that if I had fallen in, I couldn't swim, I was completely helpless. A few seconds after that, before I could even look back, somebody had pushed me in.

And... I didn't even try to swim up. I let myself go, I slowly watched everything above me, I saw the beautiful light that shone through the water. And at that moment, I remembered that I was asleep, and before I could hit the bottom of the ocean floor, I woke up, into complete darkness.

I laid there, completely frozen, for 5 hours, until the morning light seeped through the window, and filled my body with a subtle warmth. That same gentle warmth would get me out of the trap my body had created in this bed of mine.

No amount of therapy or meditation could get me out of this trap that I've created for myself over the years. No amount of light in the dark could take away the darkness that is trapped inside my mind.

Someone could hold me through the night, but eventually, they let go and go to sleep. What I need, is someone to be by my side, awake through the whole night, so that when I gently rest my eyes, I know that someone is watching over me. And is there...whenever I wake from a nightmare.

It's not so much the lack of light that scares me. It's because I'm confronted with only myself, whenever there is no sound or nothing in sight, there is nothing to distract me or pull me towards one way or another. I am simply frozen, having to decide for myself what to do next, how to feel. When I'm alone, I don't have to pretend anymore. I don't have to worry about how someone feels when they are next to me.

Wait...what's that outside my window looking at me?

It's a barn owl. What a beautiful creature!

I wonder if this owl has the same problems as I do? I wonder if owls sleep during the day because they too, cannot get enough sleep at night? But why haven't I seen this owl before? Oh, that's right, because I've always feared to look outside, especially at this time of the night. I mean, not that I would see much anyway. There aren't many street lights in this neighborhood.

But tonight, there's a full moon, and it shines so peacefully on the owl. And ...well, she or he, it's like they're staring right at me. Have they been staring at me this whole time, all these nights? I don't know...but I'm just glad that there is somebody else here with me, now...and I hope tomorrow they will be with me too...

I didn't end up sleeping the whole night. It was 4.00 am when I woke up again, and normally I'd wake up and look at the ceiling. If even that. Laying frozen, too afraid to move or to walk somewhere. But I wondered, was the owl still there in the same spot? And as I gently moved my head towards the window, I saw that the moon was still lit beautifully...onto my night owl.

I wondered, if this owl had traveled through the night, or if it remained frozen just as I did. Afraid to move anywhere at night. And with that thought, I gently closed my eyes again, knowing that somebody was here. Watching over me, until the morning light...

I woke up, and you could say it was daytime, but I had hardly known the difference, I mean, even the daytime with people around, I just felt so alone. Pretending to smile, pretending to be the daytime character that I had dressed myself in after my morning shower. I was tired, but not because I had to wake up in the middle of the night, but because every day, in the same way, I was pretending. But at night, I didn't have to pretend, because I was all me. And, as scary as that thought would be, to be me, it was nothing compared to the agony, I felt running in between expectations and who I was meant to be.

Don't get me wrong, there is beauty in faking a smile, till it actually starts to make you feel like it's real. But then, every now and then, someone will catch you with a melancholy thought. And I wonder how many people have found me in this state. Are these the same people who have nightmares as I do? I wondered if they also had a barn owl looking over them at night too.

The day had passed as fast as a gust of wind, and there I was again, with the water pouring over my head. Pretending I was anywhere else but my bathroom shower. This was one of the only places, where I felt safe. It was neither day nor night. Well, I couldn't tell because there were no windows. There was something so peaceful about not knowing what was outside. It's like I was stuck between time, and all that I'd gone through in the day, had flown from my body and down the drain. The smell of the floral shower gel reminded me of the flowers that I'd put in my hair as a little girl. There was no one to disturb me in these few moments that I had alone. The sound of the water dripping down was like a waterfall that took me to any place that I had always wanted to go. Soon, it was that dreadful time again...time for bed. Everybody in the house had shut the lights, till...it was just me again. With my fairy lights, and....wait, where's my owl?!

What am I to do now??

I had gotten so used to seeing this barn owl outside, watching over me, as I slept, keeping me safe. I have to go and find her...or him...I don't know. But I wanted to find out. I'm going to get dressed now. Well, should I? I don't know. All I know is that no matter if I'm inside or out...it's all the same. Well, actually being outside might even feel better, ha! But...where is this owl? I don't even know where to look or what to wear. I mean, I don't want to scare her...or him.

As I go outside, I hear sirens. Something happened on the street. Now I'm scared. But I've already walked so far from my home. No, I'm going to keep going...

As I get closer to the sirens, I try to talk to a police officer, to ask what had happened on the street? But he didn't respond. He didn't even look my way! Why was he ignoring me??

I decided to walk away and walk back home...

I had enough of the night. If I go to sleep again, any nightmare would be better than this.

And on my way back...there was the owl. On the same tree, looking into my window, perhaps wondering where I was at this time?

As I slowly walked into the house and sat in my room, I noticed the owl had looked my way. I smiled, waved, and whispered "good night".

I decided to turn the TV on, to see if there was any news about the incident on the street. Suddenly, I went pale white. There were reports of a missing woman being found...it was me. But they found her dead?? How could this be??

I ran downstairs, tried to wake up my sister, I screamed, but she couldn't hear me!!

I ran outside I screamed to the owl: "how can you see me???".

And then I remembered, my grandma once told me, a story of how animals, and birds, have the ability to see the afterlife. And with this thought, all I heard was "hoot hoot"...