Please Don't Leave

I peered my head around the corner, barely stepping in the bedroom. Bradley was sitting at his desk. I watched the two monitors light up with a video game I could never understand no matter how hard I tried. There had been so much tension in the house ever since he lost his job. After month six, I learned to stop trying to help. Stop encouraging him. Stop talking about it at all really. The more time went by, the more nervous I was to talk to him about anything. He was so easily set off and I didn’t know how to help. I had spent the day, just like yesterday- per his suggestion, finding things I liked to do alone. He wanted me to learn to be alone so I didn’t need to be around him so much. The problem was, the further he pushed me away, the more I wanted him. I could go week, even months, without attention or affection from him but with every passing day, I yearned for a time when he used to truly love me. I had never felt so lonely while not being alone.

“Hey baby, do you want to play a game?” I asked.

“No.”

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

He sighed, “No.”

“Can I sit here with you and watch something? I miss you.”

I hated the words as they left my mouth. I sounded clingy and annoying. He so clearly wanted to be left alone.

“You miss me? I’m right here.” He sounded so irritated. “Fine. Do whatever you want.”

I crawled onto the bed and turned on the tv. I have no idea what movie I turned on. I couldn’t focus. I kept looking at him just hoping he would crawl into bed with me. Willing him to catch my glance. I was fighting the urge to ask. I was trying to not care but I just wanted him to love me. After what felt like ages, I couldn’t hold myself back.

“Can I just have a hug? I can come to you!” I smiled, trying to sound chill. But my body was bubbling up trying to compress what I wanted.

“Oh my god, Jennifer. I need space. I’m leaving.”

Shoot. You made it worse. Again.

“No, no, don't leave please! Talk to me. I can help!”

The desperation was seeping through with every word. He stood up. I crawled off the bed.

“You aren’t helping!”

“I’m sorry! I’m trying. What should I do? Tell me what to do!”

I made my way towards him, between the desk and the door. I went in straight for a hug like if I wrapped my arms around his body, all his stress would vanish. That’s what his touch did for me. I craved his touch. I reached my arms out but was halted by the raise of his hand stopping me.

“Nothing! I don’t want anything from you. Just get out of my way.”

Fuck. He is leaving. You made it worse. You have to fix it. My heart started to race.

“No. Please don’t leave. I don’t want you to leave. Just stay. We can talk!”

I placed my body in the doorway as I begged him to stay. He was getting mad. I was “trapping” him in the house and he needed out.

“You’re acting crazy. I want to get AWAY!” he yelled.

I was petrified. Desperate. I couldn’t let him leave. What if he didn’t come back?

“Don’t leave! Will you come back??”

I stood in the doorway.

“Get out of my WAY!” He screamed, slamming the wall beside me.

I didn’t flinch. Being hit didn’t scare me. Being left did.

“WILL YOU COME BACK!?” I screamed louder.

“Jennifer, I swear to god, if you don’t move out of my way.”

“PLEASE don’t leave!” I pleaded with tears streaming down my face. “Just stay and talk to me!” My voice was getting more desperate with every breath.

“MOVE NOW. Don’t make me move you!”

I slid to the side slowly as he pushed through the small space that started to form. I should’ve let him leave from the beginning. I should’ve trusted that he would come back. But I didn’t. He barreled down the stairs and out the front door. I was standing there frozen in my bedroom doorway when I realized he was gone. I sprinted down the stairs in enough time to see his car speeding away. I couldn’t breathe. I was crying so hard I couldn’t even gasp for air. I burst inside to get my phone. I called him. Decline. I called him again unable to contain my wails hoping they might pierce through the phone. Decline. Call. Decline. Call. Decline. I sat on the floor by the front door in a helpless puddle of tears that endlessly streamed down my cheeks. A stronger wave of panic entered me. What do I do? How do I get him back? What if he crashes and dies? What if he never comes back? I stood up faster than I fell and rushed through the front door sprinting into the street with a sense of unadulterated urgency. I started running down the road towards where his car would’ve driven. What are you doing!? You can’t chase a car on foot! I had lost all sense of logic. I spun around and launched back inside searching erratically for my keys. I felt the blood forcing itself to flood my heart. Got 'em. I snatched my keys and ran to my car not even bothering to lock the door behind me. I felt desperate and chaotic as I swerved my car through the neighborhood. Call. Decline. I couldn't see the road through blurry eyes. Call. Decline. My lead foot was in control as I sped down the road, screeching around every curve. Call. Decline. My face started to tingle from the lack of oxygen I was getting in my body. Call. Answer-

“WHAT DO YOU WANT!?”

Even his anger couldn’t stop me from wailing out.

“WHERE- WHERE DID YOU- DID YOU GO?” I screamed out gasping for breath in between each word. “ARE YOU EVER- YOU EVER COMING BACK?” My ears rang with my own screams.

“Jennifer.” He was quiet now. “Are you driving?” His voice was eerily calm.

“YES! I CAN’T FIND YOU! ARE YOU COMING- COMING BACK?!” Even just asking that question caused the tears to stream harder and faster down my face.

“Stop driving. Calm down. Go home. I am coming back. I will be home later.” He hung up.

He is coming back.

A dose of peace flooded my body as I gasped for air. I pulled over into a parking lot and wiped my face as my gasps for air turned to slowed and steady breaths. I was shocked by how quickly those four little words changed my body. I am coming back. He wasn’t going to be gone forever. He would come home. I put my car into drive and pulled out onto the main road. I drove home in silence, barely reaching the speed limit. My mind was empty. I was exhausted. I slowly walked in the front door, closed it and curled up on the floor beneath it. I wanted to know immediately when he got home. Silent tears streamed down my face until I fell asleep.

I woke up a few hours later stretching my stiff neck. It took me a second to realize where I was. The moment I did, I shot up running outside. His car was in the driveway. He was home. He must’ve seen me in front of the door and entered through the garage. I tried to run upstairs as fast as I could but my body was still lethargic. There he was. Curled on the edge of the bed facing the wall away from me. I crawled next to him and hugged him from behind. Feeling his body on mine brought tears to my eyes. I felt so grateful he came back.

“I’m so sorry” I whispered with crackles in my voice.

He rolled his shoulder pushing me off of him.

“Don’t touch me. Go to bed.” He said with the same tone he had on the phone.

"I love you." I whispered.

I scooched back to my side but I didn’t turn over or go to bed. I stared at him. Stared at his back, his hair, his neck. I counted every freckle and mole as I felt the shame of who I was that night. I took in every inch of this man who would surely leave me now. Who could love someone so crazy? How did it escalate so quickly? How did I escalate so quickly? I wanted the bed to swallow me whole. I hated myself in that moment more than I’ve ever hated myself before.