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Panic of the Gods

by Robin Laurinec 4 months ago in Humor
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Terror on Mount Olympus

(C) History Channel

"And, they've taken Corinth." A groan rose up from the crowd gathered around the large globe that spun slowly in the center of their lavish room. Hermes threw his hands in the air and began hastily gathering his stuff, flitting here and there in a way that annoyed every god around him.

"I said this, I said this," he said, shoving yet another pair of winged shoes into his bag. "I told you the Romans were going to be a problem, but did anyone listen? No, you had to listen to Zeus, as though he was the bastion of making good choices."

From the corner of the room, Zeus pulled his face away from two wood nymphs to make an indignant huff before promptly returning to snogging them as hard as he possibly could. Across the room, Hera uncorked her flask and downed the whole bottle. Having reached the bottom, she looked pitifully over at Dionysus, who sighed and with a wave of his hand, refilled her flask for the eighth time this day.

"Oh, it's so sad. Corinth was so pretty!" Aphrodite wailed, falling dramatically on top of Hermes' bag. He furrowed his brows together.

"Go on, get!" he said, shooing her away. She stumbled to her feet and threw herself onto Hera's shoulders. Hera, for her part, continued to put all her focus on her drinking, even as her husband's loud voice boomed "If you think it's big now ladies, you should see me in my bull form." Hermes rolled his eyes and finished shoving the last of his robes into his satchel.

Nemesis continued to stare at the globe. "Maybe the people will rise up and win the day," she whispered, her eyes glowing with the hope of revenge.

"Doubt it," Athena snickered, stroking the barn owl that sat perched on her shoulder.

"Oh, don't act like you're not loving this Athena," Poseidon oozed from where he sat in the fountain. With a sharp flick of her head, the owl descended onto the god of water.

"Ah, shit, get away you stupid bird!" Poseidon had taken up his trident and was poking at the feathered fiend still attempting to peck his eyes out.

"Yeah, you know, for all of Greece having fallen, you seem awfully calm about this Athena." Apollo stopped strumming his lyre and looked over at her suspiciously. The other gods turned to her. As she looked around, she noticed a hulking form attempting (and failing quite spectacularly) to make its ways out of the room.

"Oh no you don't Ares! I'm not the only one going down for this!" She flicked her hand towards him, and the owl abruptly abandoned its pursuit of the god of the seas and promptly descended on the god of war instead.

"Damn you all, get this blasted thing off me before I stick my sword through its smug face!" Ares screeched as he was pushed up against the large globe, causing a massive earthquake somewhere in the vicinity of Peru.

"Did someone say damned?" Hades asked from the cloud of smoke that billowed up from where he appeared. Hermes rubbed a hand over his face.

"Nope, sorry about that Hades. Greece just officially fell, and Ares is being an idiot."

"Huh, so that's why I've had so many guests recently." Hades shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well." The ground opened up beneath him, and he sunk back down to the underworld.

"Oh, I wish he wouldn't do that. The tiles in this room are so beautiful," Aphrodite mournfully intoned.

"Who gives a shit about the tile!" Dionysus shouted, spilling his own goblet of wine. "Greece is gone, and now we'll have no one to believe in us. We'll be as weak as those Minoan losers who are camped out at the gulf."

"Not me! I'm taking my winged ass out of here." Hermes began flittering away before spotting the prone form wrapped up in a blanket hidden behind several of the thrones that sat in a circle around the room. "Oh, for the love of gods, was no one going to wake up Hypnos?! Damn fool slept through the end of our civilization." Hermes nudged him with his foot. "Hey stupid, wake up."

"What?" Hypnos asked, sleepily rubbing his eyes. "What'd I miss?"

"Greece has officially fallen," Athena shouted stroking her owl that she had once again called to her side.

"Oh, is that all? I'm going back to sleep then." Hypnos pulled the blanket up over his head and rolled closer to the wall. Hermes threw his hands in the air again.

"Why aren't you all panicking!?" he screamed exasperated.

Ares shrugged. "What can I say, I love a good battle."

"Well, I'm going to leave before we get kicked out by whatever gods are going to replace us. Good luck to you all and good riddance!" With that, he soared out the open window and down into the valley below. The other gods looked at each other warily.

"So," Ares asked, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, "anyone fancy a game of arm wrestling?"


About the author

Robin Laurinec

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